We often say that we’ve learned more about our dicks by working for this site than any accredited physician. Or better put, we use this site — and our various neuroses about what’s going on below the belt (e.g., could dick cheese actually be good for you?) — to seek out accredited physicians to talk to them about all manners of dick (e.g., what happens when you fall asleep with a condom on?).
Our ignorance isn’t totally our fault, though. While women go to the doctor once a year for their sexual and genital health, men (stupidly, of course) only go to the doctor for major emergencies. So unless that major emergency is dick-related, we’re not really in the habit of talking to doctors about our dicks. So two things:
- You should definitely go to the doctor more (and not just for your dick).
- Until then, we’re more than happy to serve as the middle man for all of your dick-related queries.
I mean, this year alone we covered your dick like a condom that’s three sizes too small — super tight and with an unrelenting fervor. For instance…
Our Ball-to-Ball Coverage of the First Dick
Our newsroom never hummed like it did the day that Stormy Daniels revealed that Donald Trump, our 45th president, has a “dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.” The news inspired no less than 15 posts related to Toad (the aforementioned Mario Kart character), mushrooms and/or Toad-like mushroom dicks. A quick sampling:
- “It’s Okay to Dick Shame the President”
- “There’s A Trump Tweet For Everything — Except His Mushroom Penis”
- “The Legend of Toad”
- “The Best-Worst Erotic Fan Fiction About Toad”
- “What Your Mario Kart 64 Character Choice Says About Your Penis”
- “What All of Your Girlfriend’s Friends Know About Your Dick”
- “Literal Mushroom Cock: All the Different Fungus That Can Grow on Your Penis”
- “What Do Pornhub Commenters Have to Say About Mushroom Cocks?”
- “There’s A Surprising Amount of Mushroom-Shaped Sex Toys”
- “Semen Displacement Theory Explains A Mushroom Cock’s Shape”
- “Mr. President, There’s No Excuse for Yeti Pubes”
Our Radiating Average Dick Energy
“Non-sexually, Average Dick Energy manifests as a curious mixture: reasonably self-assured but not entirely assertive. Occasionally charismatic, though just as often awkward. I’ll try to cook a new dish for dinner and forget you have to start rice early, or go to the store to pick up tampons and text my girlfriend to check that I’m buying the right kind. I remember not to swear in front of her parents, but — shit — sometimes I forget. I’m a little defensive about movies I like. If some guys are being obnoxious jerks nearby at a bar, I’ll suggest we ‘move down a couple seats’ rather than confront them. I can at least pretend to know the basics of astrology. I ride my bike aimlessly. After parking my dinged-up 2014 Volkswagen Jetta, I hit the ‘lock’ button on my keys at least three times to be extra sure.”
The Lengths We Went to For A Bigger Dick
For that elusive extra inch, we first turned to YouTube for jelqing tutorials. When that became too perilous — it turns out (surprise, surprise) that continuously stretching your dick like silly putty can lead to nerve damage, scar formation and/or erectile issues — we hired AJ “Big Al” Alfaro, a “Male Enhancement Coach,” or “dick enlargement tutor.” Those gains, however, were temporary. For a permanent solution, we consulted with a pioneer in penis enlargement surgery. But that shit looked like it really hurt. A quick hit of the pain:
“‘All I Ask of You’ from Phantom of the Opera plays, unironically, on a bluetooth speaker as Dr. James J. Elist, a jolly, nearly 70-year-old veteran urologist — who, among other things, was the first physician to link smoking to impotence — cuts a 2-inch incision into the shaved skin where the patient’s pubic hair used to be.
“His fingers curl deep inside the man’s skin, under the fat, searching for the base of the penis inside. ‘This is the key point of the procedure,’ he whispers to me. ‘Check his driver’s license — he’s going for a ride.’ He then pulls the man’s penis out of his body like an inside-out gym sock.”
We basically called the whole thing off after a trip to Barbados, where dudes are inserting beads into their dicks. Admittedly, this is more of a twist on the whole “ribbed for her pleasure” thing than it is pumping up the package. Either way, it’s a one-way ticket to the ER for the type of dick-related major medical emergency we discussed at the start:
“Since many procedures are done outside of a physician’s care, myriad complications can arise, including infection, penile abscess, painful erections, allergic body rejection, erectile dysfunction and even gangrene. Because of this, there are several reports of men seeking emergency medical care for treatment or to have the objects removed.
“One particular case study, published in the International Journal of Emergency Medicine in 2011, presented a case regarding a 19-year-old Florida patient who attempted to perform the procedure on himself while in prison. He made two horizontal incisions on his shaft with a razor blade, and afterward suffered worsening pain, swelling and a significant amount of blood when urinating, suggesting that he may have caused a deep injury to his urethra. As a result of this severe trauma to his penis, he required surgical intervention. The study concluded that, ‘pearling, while intended to increase the sexual pleasure of partners, can cause significant morbidity to individuals themselves during object placement.’”
We Found the Only Man in the World — To the Best of His Knowledge At Least — Who Pisses and Cums at the Same Time
Immediately stop your complaining about the little dribble you can never contain after taking a leak. Because it could be way, way worse. You could have the same rare genetic disorder as Seth, which has left him with an even rarer side effect: Yes, he most definitely pees when he comes. Sex then is obviously a major ordeal:
“The objective is to pee out as much as I can before I start having sex, but since bladders are constantly refilling, it’s hard to get it all out. I can empty it completely if I self-catheterize, but that sucks — it’s painful, it takes a minute to prepare and sterilize and it’s not my favorite activity to keep the romantic momentum going when and if it’s going.
“Communicating with my partners about it is a much better option than self-catheterization. I fill people in on my situation whenever possible — it’s usually better to prepare someone so they know what they’re getting into. However, I’ve also been in situations where things get hot and heavy too fast for me to give them the full run-down. In those cases, they get the abridged version — ‘I come a lot, so let’s lay something down.’ No matter how prepared we are, though, there’s always cleanup involved, but it’s never been like, ‘Oh my God, gross, you peed on me!’
“Condoms, as I’m sure you can imagine, are tricky. They tend to fill up pretty fast and shoot off. That’s partially why I’m quick to go down on my partner, to play the role of the ‘giver.’ Sometimes that’s because I like that role and it’s nice to help someone feel good, but other times, it’s because I don’t want to deal with the mess. I don’t like to always be thinking about my body. It’s usually better just to think about theirs.
“If I do have sex with someone, the shower (or somewhere where it’s easy to rinse off afterwards) is ideal, but not always possible. Either way, I always pull out and come into whatever item is most sanitary and/or nearby. I’ve actually never ejaculated inside someone. I know urine is sterile, but I’ve never fully understood what happens when you let a steady stream go inside someone. So I’ve never really been able to drop my anxiety about that.”
We Introduced the World to “Summer Penis”
No shit, your dick looks bigger in the summer — no jelqing, enlargement tutors, plastic surgery or beads necessary. (As Tracy Moore hilariously wrote, “Maybe he’s born with it. Maybe it’s summer penis.”) It was a discovery that took both us and the internet by storm. No less a cultural arbiter than People magazine decided it was news that needed to be spread far and wide:
The only downside?
By the same logic, “Winter Penis” is a study in shrinkage.
Cue the Christmas jelqing videos.