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What All Your Girlfriend’s Friends Know About Your Dick

News that Stormy Daniels has told all about her relationship with President Trump, right down to his dick deets, may seem like an extreme case of regurgitation. While Daniels’ story is a particularly high-profile dick shame most civilian women won’t have the pleasure of experiencing, it’s long been one of the few ways women can leverage power against men more powerful than them.

But it’s also just normal chitchat among female friends with no higher agenda. In spite of the exceptionally public scope of that tit-for-tat, what struck me the most when reading her account of Trump’s shroom dick was how easily her description could’ve matched any woman’s story of a less-than-thrilling sexual interaction: “I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart. It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.”

Take out the Yeti and the Mario Kart — hell, leave it in — and you’ve got any woman’s story of a random hookup on a Saturday night in college. Or her 20s. Or her 30s. Or last night.

In other words, Stormy Daniels is an Everywoman, because what woman hasn’t laid there annoyed she was getting fucked by a guy with weird pubes and a weird dick, who, worst of all, clearly thought the sex was great, when it so clearly, painfully, awkwardly, hilariously wasn’t?

I know this because women have been sharing details about their sexual partners’ dicks and sex moves with other women for a very long time. Sometimes it’s in earnest, sometimes it’s for a laugh, sometimes it’s with a shudder, but it’s always with great detail.

Here’s the sort of thing women reveal when they dish on the dick:

Dick Size

Let’s get this one out of the way. Yes, women talk about your dick size, but not as if it’s being Yelped by the inch, except when that’s the most notable thing about it. As I’ve written about before, I can barely remember most of the dicks I’ve seen or experienced. But that’s because most dicks are totally unmemorable, as is most sex. What stands out about dicks is the same thing that stands out about anything: Really big, really small, really great, really terrible or really weird.

Giant schlongs are noted for their pain-inducing abilities, their girth or their ability to get all the way hard (aka, malleable dick). Also noted: When you’re the guy with a really big dick who doesn’t think you have to be a good lay, as if the dick-pump itself is all it takes (hey, sometimes it’s true).

Men with really small dicks are chat-worthy because they either draw a lot of attention to it in advance, end up being exceptional in bed because they think they have to be or have a small dick and are also bad in bed.

The exception to all of this is, of course, boyfriend dick, which gets a bonus mention in the rare instance it arrives in a woman’s life.

Dick Hygiene or Other Aesthetics

If it smelled weird, we know. If it tasted amazing, we know. If you’re the guy with the super clean dick and balls who always grooms, we know. If you have weird flakes in your pubes, we know. As above, it’s the outliers that stand out the most, which means we know about the cum, the curves, the anglers and the danglers, the perennially soft and the perpetually semi-chubbed.

Moves

If you’re an awkward fingerbanger, she told us. Sloppy kisser? Noted. If you push too hard or rough when you get a beej, we know. If you treat sex like an endurance sport, she told us. If you cried beforehand, she said something. If you cried afterward, ditto. If you’re the guy who lifted her up and sat her on the dryer before you fucked her, she told us, because that was the hottest thing any dude ever did to her.

If you go down for 45 minutes, and it’s the best orgasm she’s ever had, she told us. If you never go down on her and she’s dying inside, she told us.

One woman told us about her “neck-breaker,” which was a guy who, when he came, always did this move with his hands where it was almost as if he was breaking her neck. Like, not really, it was more like faux choking but not really, sort of twisting or gripping her neck without actually applying real force. It was almost to suggest he could do so, but it also seemed reflexive, like he couldn’t help it. She loved it. She told us.

Maybe you bruised her cervix and she still can’t walk straight. Maybe you never do it rough and she wishes you would. Either way, she told us.

Cum Style

Kind of like your very special own off-menu order at the In-N-Out Burger, every man also has a cum style women have thoroughly observed and discussed. Do you whimper when you come? She told us. Do you grunt? Noted and discussed. Do you always announce that you’re going to blow your load? Pant heavily? Talk dirty a lot, never or too much, including saying unintentionally hilarious things while doing oral? (Hint: “Om nom nom.”) All warrant discussion later.

To be clear, women aren’t doing this to brag in a sexist or objectifying way. It isn’t typically gross and reductive, although it can be. Rather, it’s how women discuss and evaluate their sexual partners, bond and navigate life with far less power. The stories are told just as often with pride and to incite jealousy for being lucky enough to find the rare dude who cares about giving you tailor-made pleasure, as they are horror stories to swap from life in the woman trenches.

If it makes it seem like there’s nothing private between a man and a woman when they bone, that’s not exactly accurate. But what is true is that there’s almost nothing women won’t tell their girlfriends when it comes to sex, which should be incentive to do your best. If nothing else, wouldn’t you rather be the guy she’s beaming about instead of cringing over?