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Semen Displacement Theory Explains A Mushroom Cock’s Shape

We know, we know: President Trump has a mushroom dick. Depending on your corner of the internet, this is outrageously funny and terrifying news, or nothing to fuss about, because penises are supposed to be shaped like that.

Sorry to step on your mushroom, but both of these things are correct. It’s outrageously funny to know this about a sitting president, or any president. But it’s not really so remarkable in general, because all penises are shaped like mushrooms.

Here’s the deal: There’s the bulbous glans (the head), the shaft and “the coronal ridge that forms a sort of umbrella-lip between these two parts,” Jesse Bering writes in his book Why Is the Penis Shaped Like That… And Other Reflections on Being Human.

Slam it together and you’ve got the human phallus. “Only the human species has such a distinctive mushroom-capped glans, which is connected to the shaft by a thin tissue of frenulum (the delicate tab of skin just beneath the urethra),” Bering explains.

It’s not just Trump’s dick. It’s all the dicks. That combo of the mushroom head and the umbrella lip may seem counterintuitive, but it makes perfect sense, according to evolutionary theories. Per Bering:

Magnetic imaging studies of heterosexual couples having sex reveal that during coitus, the typical penis completely expands and occupies the vaginal tract and with full penetration can even reach the woman’s cervix and lift her uterus. This, combined with the fact that human ejaculate is expelled with great force and over considerable distance (up to two feet if not contained), suggests that men are designed to release sperm into the uppermost portion of the vagina possible.

This, he explains, is meant to, in theory, “aid and abet the displacement of semen left by other males as a means of maximizing the likelihood of paternity.”

It’s called semen displacement theory, and the idea here is that basically, any time a man’s penis gets up in a woman’s vagina, it’s basically aggressively clearing the room of evidence of any other dude. The penis is a plunger that pushes other jizz out of the way in case there was any other jizz up there (sperm can survive for a few days inside cervical mucus).

In this view, the mushroom dick is a kind of insurance policy of paternity. Like a T-shirt cannon, except filled with jizz, the coronal ridge clears the deck first. And in the case of the ridge, size really does matter. Studies recreating this plunger sweeper situation have been conducted, and in one of them, the bigger ridges, aka, mushroom dicks, could plunge out 91 percent of a cornstarch mix out of a vagina in a single thrust, whereas the smaller ridges (lil’ shrooms) could only plunge out 35 percent.

So in this case, the more the mushroom, the merrier. Now, that doesn’t mean Trump’s mushroom head isn’t like, weirdly bulbous. And there are dicks with such extra pronounced mushroom qualities that it comprises an entire porn category.

To be clear, we’re not saying Trump has any kind of special good dick by any metric. Far from it. Stormy Daniels made clear that it was small, though not freakishly so. She also said he “knows he has an unusual penis,” which implies his penis is so mushroomy and/or weird that it’s been commented on (though it’s possible he demanded a personal review of his penis from every partner).

Basically, he probably has an average sized, slightly more mushroomy headed dick than usual from the point-of-view of a sex worker, who would know. Which means he’s probably profoundly average in that department. In other words, his dick is likely the least interesting thing about him.