Thanks to Stormy Daniels, we all know by now — whether we wanted to or not — that the president’s dick resembles “the mushroom character in Mario Kart” (ahem, his name is Toad). While we’re very familiar with all the shapes and sizes of the fleshy sex organ hanging betwixt our legs, the idea of fungus sprouting on the dick hasn’t stopped ricocheting around our collective brains since waking up yesterday to vivid descriptions of the president’s pants-mushroom. With that in mind, here’s all the fungus that can grow on your dick…
Candidiasis Fungus
The most common fungus that you’ll find growing on your peen, this naturally-occurring fungus tends to multiply uncontrollably in warm, moist areas. When it does, it’ll give you “penile thrush,” which is basically a yeast infection. Early signs will boast a red rash and sometimes white, shiny patches on the penis. Eventually, according to urologist James Elist’s website, a “white cottage cheese like covering on the penis” may form before it proceeds to spread to your anus, armpits and fingers.
While a penile yeast infection is most definitely contagious, you can combat it with over-the-counter oral and topical antibiotics, or according to YeastInfection.Org, by spreading yogurt all over your junk. Yum!
Balanoposthitis
If that penile yeast infection goes untreated, the next evolution of the fungal forest forming on your dick will be balanoposthitis, characterized by burning, itching and inflammation of the penis and foreskin. If you manage to ignore that, it’ll lead to other complicated conditions such as persistent phimosis and erysipelatous inflammation — basically, the foreskin becoming bonded to the penis skin, getting stuck there and requiring surgical intervention. Woo!
Trichophyton Rubrum Fungus
This fun little fungus grows in (say it with me) warm, moist areas of the body and causes both tinea cruris, aka jock itch, and dermatophytosis, aka ringworm.
This itchy, red rash is caused by merely touching something that has it: An animal, another human, a shower, Yoshi’s saddle — whatever has the hint of this highly-contagious fungus, if you touch it and then touch your dick, you should expect a hot, itchy rash to form down there and anywhere else you touched, like the King Midas of fungus. The good news is, unlike King Midas, there’s an easy cure, which is simply over-the-counter antifungal cream, or if it’s really bad, antifungal pills.
Malassezia Furfur
This fungus is naturally occurring, but doesn’t typically grow around the penis. When it does, you’re looking at Pityriasis versicolor: A rare infection, Pityriasis versicolor isn’t contagious and typically appears in humid climates around people’s arms and backs (and, yes, in some cases, the penis).
All in all, unlike good(?), healthy(??) and tasty (???) dick cheese, fungal infections can cause a multitude of problems down below. From smelly discharges to pain during urination and sex — not to mention your dick looking like it got dipped in seven-layer bean dip — a true mushroom cock is really something you want to avoid whenever possible.
Quinn Myers
Quinn Myers is a staff writer at MEL. He reports on internet culture, technology, health, masculinity and the communities that flourish within.
