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The Best-Worst Erotic Fan Fiction About Toad

‘toad. come-a here to me-a. i want-a you to touch-a my peen.’

Many fans of the beloved(?) Nintendo character Toad were thrilled to discover that their favorite mushroom-headed helper was trending yesterday morning… until they realized why. In an excerpt from her upcoming book, adult film star Stormy Daniels likens the president’s dick to “the mushroom character in Mario Kart.”

But while much of the internet has spent the last 24 hours attempting to protect Toad’s reputation — because how dare an innocent mushroom-creature be compared to whatever hangs between Donald Trump’s thighs — the rest of the web has continued to sexualize him, as it has been for years. Here are a few of our favorite passages from Toad-starring erotic fan fiction that we dug up with depressingly little effort.

All typos, punctuation and grammatical errors presented as is. But really, that’s so far from being the biggest problem here that it’s barely worth mentioning.

This Scene Where Toad Gets Crushed to Death in an Ass

In a moment from the spectacular Wario and Waluigi: An Erotic Life, Toad attempts to shoot fellow Nintendo character Waluigi for no apparent reason. Waluigi responds by pushing Toad into Wario’s anus, where the mushroom-headed fellow is promptly crushed to death:

‘What are you going to do no?’ Walouigi asked.

‘I’m going… to kill you!’ Toad screamed. He then pulled out a gun and shoot Waluigi in the leg. Because he’s short.

‘Ah what tah fuck!?’ Waluigi grabbe his bleeding leg. Toad then shot again but it messed and hit the stove in the back, make it explode.

‘Holy sheet!’ Wario was so scarred he pooped all over his pastns. Everyone was screaming as the restaaurent caught on fire.

‘I’m not done yet!’ Toad said. He pull the tigger agian, but he had no bullet left. Then, Wario had a nother idea: he was going to shove tis Toad up his butt.

‘Waluigi, grab him!’ Wario said as he droped his pants. Walugi hhold toad and shove him kicking and screming up War’s butt. Finally, Toad was back in Wario’s smelly ass.

‘He’ll be dead, Right?’

‘Yeh,’ Wario.

Toad could feel his body ggget crushed by the iner walls of Wario’s anus, killing him. Wario picked hjis nose and eight it.

‘Wahaha!’

This Scene Where Toad Has a Threesome with Mario and Luigi

In Plumber’s Love, Toad gets turned on when Luigi bares his ass while fixing a leaky pipe. Meanwhile, Mario can’t help but join in on the action:

‘Luigi, mio fratello, can-a you fix-a your overalls? Your-a ass is-a distracting me-a.’ mario questioned. luigi blushed intensely at mario’s comment and quickly turned around to hide his cheeks. he had bit of a crush on the red-wearing man and was embarrassed that he saw him like that.

‘M-mario! do not-a say that-a! He said, flushed. toad watched from afar and could feel the tingle of a growing erection. his first thought was to hide it, but realized that he was so horny that he needed to act upon it instead. luigi looked over to toad for help but turned even redder when he saw his boner. he felt one growing himself, and started to sweat.

‘mama mia.’ mario said under his breath. the lumps in their pants made his dick grow too. soon they were all just standing there with boners out, nothing to hide. luigi took off his hat to wipe the sweat off of his forehead, which turned on mario and toad even more.

‘luigi. turn-a back around-a. i want to see-a your ass again-a’ mario demanded. his voice was harsher than usual and that made toad moan a bit to himself. luigi, being the submissive he is, did what he was told. his hard dick stretched the denim to the front, making his ass look even better than before. mario gasped a bit, and toad touched his dick.

‘toad. come-a here to me-a. i want-a you to touch-a my peen.’ said mario to toad. toad ran over to mario and slowly poked his rock hard dick. the sound of unbuttoning overalls could be hears from luigi’s direction as his clothes fell to the ground. luigi started to rub his penis, as he couldn’t take it anymore. mario took his clothes off as well and toad started to jerk him off.

This (Incredibly Uncomfortable) Scene Where Toad Loses His Virginity

After Toad receives a tender blowjob from Toadette in Mushroom Seclusion, the awkward couple reaches home base for the first time ever in what may very well be the most disquieting passage I’ve ever read:

‘Hey, Toadette? I think I’m ready.’ Toad blushed a little as Toadette smiled and nodded cutely. She kept laying there, which confused him.’

‘Aren’t you going to get up?’

Aww, Toad, don’t you see it?’

‘See what?’

‘I’m already in a position for you, Toad.’ Toadette giggled, spreading her legs out a little bit, revealing her lower lips, her flower. ‘All you have to do is start the show.’

‘You know, you’re kind of being a coach to me.’

‘That’s exactly what I’m trying to do, Toad.’ Toadette smiled. ‘I wanna make this experience comfortable for you. You know, it being your first time and all.’

‘Are you saying it’s not your first time?’ Toad inquired.

‘No, it is! But I’ve been, you know… doing things the last few weeks. Any idea why your browser history on your computer is wiped every time you wake it up?’

‘Ohh, you set it like that, didn’t you? So you wouldn’t get caught doing those things you know you shouldn’t be doing.’ Toad chuckled. ‘You naughty girl.’

‘Yeah, I’m a naughty Toad. I think I deserve a punishment don’t you?’ she giggled. Toad chuckled.

‘I think you do to…’ He moved in a little closer, leaning over her so that their eyes met. Their midsections touched lightly, so all Toad had to do was lie down and they would be connected.

‘Well, go ahead and punish me, Toad.’ Toadette giggled. ‘You know you want to.’

‘Aww. All right. Time for the naughty girl’s punishment~’ Toad then slowly inserted his mushroom into the folds of her skin, a moan coming from both of them as he did. He kept sliding it in at a relatively slow pace till he found himself bump up against something.

‘Oh? Seems like you’ve got it.’

‘Got what, Toadette?’ Toad asked.

‘Oh, you’ve gotten to my barrier. All women have this before someone takes it away from them. It’s pretty much a wall of a fleshy substance, and it’s there until someone breaks it.’ she explained.

This Scene Where Toad and Toadette Play Truth or Dare

In Toadette’s Fun Time, Toad and Toadette get mildly freaking while playing a game of Truth or Dare:

‘Let’s play a game. But toadette we didn’t bring any boardgame. Don’t worry I got the game to play. What are we playing? Truth or dare toad that what we playing. Ok said toad. I go first, truth or dare toad? I pick truth said toad. Do you love me? Yes said toad. Your turn toad said toadette. Ok truth or dare? I pick dare said toadette. Toad think for her dare until he got one. Show me your swim suit. Uh I think iIpack them in, let me check. After 3 minutes toadette said i can’t find it. Ok IO guess it your turn. Truth or dare toad? I choose dare toadette. Toadette got a good one for toad. I dare you to strip off my clothes im wearing. Uh ok said toad. He began to remove her shose first, her sock, her pants, her underwear, her shirt and her bra. Ok im done taking off your clothes toadette said toad. Shouldn’t you put your clothes back on? After one last dare lick my boobs. I not going to do that toadette. Then you are going to have sex with me toad. Ok ok, I go lick your boob. Toad start licking het boob. That it toad keep going until I say stop. Toad keep licking her boobs for five minutes and then toadette told toad to stop. That was good toad I like it. Now let get some thing to eat toad.’

This Scene Where Toad Gives Mario a Blowjob

After being saved from Bowser in Toad x Mario, Toad sneaks into Mario’s bedroom to repay him with an epic suck sesh:

‘That night, Toad was walking through Peach’s castle, through the halls until he reached Mario’s chamber. He opened the door, and walked in slowly. Mario was sleeping with the covers on. When Toad slowly took them off, he saw what he was getting himself into. A big, swollen, Italian salami, just begging to be serviced. Toad’s mouth was watering. He gave a tentative touch, scared to do more. Should he really do this? Of course he should. Toad gripped Mario’s middle leg and started slow.

Mario awoke to his cock being stroked, at first he thought it was a wet dream, but he looked up, and saw the picture perfect face from the Toad of his fantasies. Mario looked dead into Toad’s sexy eyes, who were gazing intently at his dick. Toad looked up at Mario, and Mario finally spoke, ‘What are you doing?’

At first, Toad seemed to choke on his words a little. ‘I… I wa-wanted to tha-thank you for s-s-saving me yesterday,’

‘I think I need a little more thanking…’ Mario said in a lusty tone. Mario grabbed the back of Toad’s bulbous red and white head, and forced him onto his throbbing erection.

Excuse me while I drink 19 gallons of bleach.