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What Your ‘Mario Kart 64’ Character Choice Says About Your Penis

Because a sane editorial response to the current news cycle would be what, exactly?

We all know the news: Adult film veteran Stormy Daniels claims Donald Trump — the president of the United States!!! — has a penis that resembles a small mushroom. Specifically, says Daniels, Toad from Mario Kart.

In order to stop my screaming, I’ve devised this list of what your choice of Mario Kart 64 character probably says about your cock. Enjoy, I guess?

Mario

The average cock. It’s precisely 5.16 inches long and 4.59 inches around when erect, 3.61 inches long and 3.66 inches around when flaccid. It is utterly, completely forgettable.

If this cock was a Mario Kart 64 weapon, it would be: Single green shell — perfectly adequate when used with skill, a waste of everyone’s time when not.

Ideal track: Luigi Raceway — no frills, no major challenges, no reason to play again.

Peach

The massive, hairy, veiny, throbbing monster-cock. Any man who chooses to play as Princess Peach is a man who has no time for such fripperies as “insecurity” and “fragile masculinity.” As a lightweight character, Peach has the highest acceleration and highest top speed, so expect Peach-cock to jackhammer you right through a Goddamn wall, then another wall for good measure.

If this cock was a Mario Kart 64 weapon, it would be: Spiny shell — whatever position it fires from, it will devastate anyone who’s about to come first (and the two people either side of them for good measure).

Ideal track: Toad’s Turnpike — you, too, will know what it’s like to have a semi-truck repeatedly smash into you from behind.

Wario

The never-quite-totally-erect cock. Even when fully engorged, it remains weirdly soft and pliable, like a permanent semi-on. Despite this, is still seems surprisingly capable of getting the job done. A true mystery.

If this cock was a Mario Kart 64 weapon, it would be: Banana bunch — a squishy, dangly affair, but when used right can still cause you to lose all control at the finish line.

Ideal track: Yoshi Valley — a confusing, multiple-choice guessing game of whether or not you’re even going the right way with this thing.

Yoshi

The stubby cock. As a lightweight character, Yoshi is prone to spinning out when coming into contact with heavier characters, meaning that you can expect this short fella to keep popping out at inopportune moments when the going gets physical.

If this cock was a Mario Kart 64 weapon, it would be: Super mushroom — just… keep… jolting… forward… repeatedly… to… stay… in… the… game…

Ideal track: Sherbet Land — scream in frustration as you slip right off the edge for the 12th time in a row.

Bowser

The relentlessly hard cock. As a heavyweight character, Bowser’s initial acceleration is slow, but once he hits his stride, he experiences an intense burst in speed. In short: Bowser-cock will go — and go all night without needing much of a break.

If this cock was a Mario Kart 64 weapon, it would be: Three red shells, with another three red shells stored — Boom! Gotcha. Boom! Gotcha again. Boom! OH DID YOU THINK WE WERE DONE HERE BOOM BOOM BOOOOOOM

Ideal track: Rainbow Road — a gruelling endurance test that stops being fun halfway through the second, interminable lap.

Toad

The tiny cock whose owner can only get off on abusive dirty talk. “Yeah! Yeah! You like that, you fucking bitch? Huh? You want more of this, you filthy slut?” he screams, his sad little nubbin still doing little more than wiping its feet on the doormat. Like its namesake, this cock is prone to beating you to the finish line with no warning whatsoever while its owner obnoxiously congratulates himself on his awesome performance.

If this cock was a Mario Kart 64 weapon, it would be: Single mushroom — wanted by nobody, burned off as fast as possible in order to make room for other, better cocks.

Ideal track: Banshee Boardwalk — needlessly aggressive, no-fun track that mostly exists to make you hate life.

Luigi

The average length, but extra-wide cock. As a middleweight character, Luigi loses more speed when turning than other characters, so don’t expect to change positions too quickly. For straight ahead, lumbering but generally pretty satisfying progress, though, this is your boy.

If this cock was a Mario Kart 64 weapon, it would be: Fake item box — tough to get it to go where you want it every time, but blows spectacularly when it does.

Ideal track: Kalamari Desert — generally smooth going but with a side order of getting slapped in the face by a fat steam locomotive.

Donkey Kong

The communal shower-scarer cock. Is it the hair? The size? The shape? The birthmark in the shape of famous round-the-world explorer Ferdinand Magellan? Whatever it is, the entire locker room wants nothing to do with it, even as they can’t keep their eyes off it.

If this cock was a Mario Kart 64 weapon, it would be: Lightning bolt — immediately shrinks every other cock in the vicinity just by appearing.

Ideal track: Bowser’s Castle — a new, weird, unnecessary horror lurking round every corner.