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There’s a Trump Tweet for Everything — Except His Mushroom Penis

An axiom that has endured these past 18 months is that “there’s a Trump tweet for everything.” The idea is this: Our diaper-clad president, before assuming office, spent years shitposting on Twitter with so little self-awareness or comprehension of the world that now, no matter the issue or White House scandal of the day, one can dig up an old tweet which conflicts with his current talking points. The Trump of 2013 wants the U.S. out of Afghanistan; President Trump wants to send more troops there. Civilian Trump was outraged at how the federal government handled hurricanes; President Trump denies the staggering death toll from Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico. Trump, way back when, thinks Obama plays too much golf; President Trump… well, I’m sure you know. The phenomenon has even spawned a subreddit called “Trump Criticizes Trump.”

Watching as people share the relevant Trump tweet for any given fuck-up elicits an uneasy mix of emotions: amusement, sadness, disbelief, and ultimately, frustration. Each of these moments remind us that his hypocrisy means nothing in the grander scheme. He will never be held to account for any of these reversals or contradictions. All we can do is wonder what kind of time-travel wormhole has created this dynamic. Until, of course, the day comes when there isn’t a Trump tweet for whatever sordid occasion we’re presently neck-deep in. And folks, that day has arrived at last. Stormy Daniels, in her tell-all memoir Full Disclosure, described Trump’s dick as “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small,” and, more memorably, “like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.” Trump’s weirdly prescient Twitter feed, amazingly, did not anticipate that.

Luckily, Weird Twitter godfather and uncanny prophet @dril had us covered.

I spent my morning searching for any Trump tweet that might have functioned as commentary on the Toad-schlong revelation. Nothing. He’s never tweeted about Nintendo, Mario Kart or mushrooms. (I’m sure such a finicky eater has no use for them.) He’s never tweeted about dicks, or penises, and the sole reference to “cock” is a manual retweet of him trying to dunk on a guy who called him that. There are no Trump tweets about Toad, nor toads, the animal. He did once complain that “video game violence” is “creating monsters,” but it’d be a stretch to connect that to the Toad thing. He has, here and there, accused the country or a magazine or industry of being in “bad shape” — again, not much to go on. And while Trump infamously said in a Republican primary debate that there was “no problem” with his dongle, reacting to a crude insinuation from rival Marco Rubio, that was neither a tweet nor a denial of Toad-shape.

What could it mean that there’s no Trump tweet for this news — that a seemingly inviolable rule of the internet has been broken? On the one hand, it speaks to Stormy Daniels’ brilliance, her ability to push the conversation into garish new territory. Trump would never in a trillion years have thought to preemptively deny having a dick that looks like the mushroom character from Mario Kart, because he has no goddamn idea what any of that means, which probably has him in a rage right now and several aides struggling to explain why he can’t nuke Nintendo headquarters.

Yet the absence of an appropriate Trump tweet also marks the end of an age. We’re so deep into this national nightmare that we’ve outstripped the past. The future that follows this flashpoint can no longer be predicted by the previous grumpy tweets of a wealthy shitlord who became president out of spite. That runway can stretch no further.

The history books will divide Trump’s tenure into B.T. and P.T. epochs — Before Toad and After Toad. There’s no blueprint for the latter.

Welcome to a different kind of unreality.