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Mr. President, There’s No Excuse for Yeti Pubes

When the salacious details of President Trump’s nether regions, as described in adult film actress Stormy Daniels’ memoir, became a matter of public record, the focus was largely on his dick. The adult film actress likened this “smaller than average” member to Toad, “the mushroom character in Mario Kart.” This opened the door to a universe of Nintendo jokes, as well as debate regarding broader mushroom-penis resemblances. Still, everyone seemed to have a pretty good idea of what she was talking about.

But another phrase from that same passage has attracted slighter attention, while remaining a bit more obscure. Daniels writes that Trump, apart from his unusual unit, was sporting “Yeti pubes.” This caused some disgusted and confused speculation. It felt evocative without being all that specific, and people, understandably, had questions.

https://twitter.com/TSullivanBrown/status/1042062651168313344

I choose to follow my own interpretation here: Yeti pubes are, given the nature of the Yeti, an ape-like cryptid said to roam the Himalayan mountain range, by definition unkempt, untrimmed, maybe tangled or densely matted, and likely foul-smelling. Since Daniels opted for “Yeti pubes” over “Sasquatch pubes,” I’m also going to assume she also meant to indicate their color — Bigfoot/Sasquatch is traditionally depicted as dark brown, while the Yeti, or Abominable Snowman, is usually thought to be white, to blend in with his frosty environment. Trump turned 60 the year he’s alleged to have slept with Daniels, and that’s old enough, I presume, to have graying (if not blizzard-white) pubes. There’s always a chance she just found “Yeti” more poetic, but let’s not get sidetracked.

Knowing all this, I now address the president directly: Sir, you have embarrassed yourself and your country in exposing such a vile pubic bush to a woman you paid to keep quiet about your adulterous tryst in order to keep the affair from the media ahead of a national election. Unlike your freakish salami, the pube situation can be rectified. Are you telling me that someone as vain and wealthy as you doesn’t have access to the grooming devices men and women alike use to maintain the hair down there? C’mon.

Length, aside, Mr. President — are you washing your pubes? Because it sounds like they could use a scrub. I know, you probably have a weird phobia of body wash and think it’s gay to lather up the ol’ crotch nest, but this is really low, even for you. For a narcissist, you don’t have much self-respect. As for the carpet not matching the drapes… I don’t think any of us could have predicted that. With a golden-orange coiff so notoriously overmanaged and clearly dyed, the relative inattention to pubic style is truly sloppy. This was a porn star 30 years younger than you, dipshit! Guessing you didn’t brush the crumbs off your wiry fur-patch from eating chips naked in bed beforehand, either.

Look, man. I’m not asking you to reverse your garbage policies or take a basic literacy course. It’s way too late for any improvement on those fronts. I’m only saying, with all the private “executive time” carved out of your schedule, the pubes are something that could be taken care of. Even while you tweet! Hey, maybe Stephen Miller can help out — he’s highly motivated to do whatever it takes. If you want to simplify matters, just have him shave the area completely. I’m sure you demand no less from women.