Perfecting the Male Butt, Breaking Free of the Juul and Lucid Dreaming for the Hot Lizard Sex

I totally get the allure of lucid dreaming, though I’ll likely never have the patience to teach myself how to do it. Ain’t nobody got time for dream journaling.

But I get it. Who doesn’t want to have so much control over their own dreams that they can decide at a snap of their fingers to like, fly around and shit? Or be Jeff Bezos rich. Or be Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife rich. Or breathe underwater.

What I don’t get, however, is these guys who use their ability to lucid dream to have sex. I mean, maybe there’s a lot of overlap between these guys and the incel community, in which case I say go for it, my dudes. But other than that, if you know the touch of a woman (or man), you know that dream sex will never compare to the real thing.

But I digress. Here’s everything — including the aforementioned dream-fucking — you might have missed today…

Must Read

“My Quest for the Perfect Butt”
As a lifelong top, C. Brian Smith has taken (and sent to his many Craigslist hook-ups) more dick pics than the rest of us might take in our lifetimes. But he’s never really been proud of his butt, which, at his ripe old age of 40, is starting to look a little worse for the wear. The truth is, his ass needs work — and no one knows more about ass-work (I’m mostly talking fitness here) than Instagram star Mister Outdoors, a 39-year-old gay man in L.A. known for his Brobdingnagian bubble butt. READ MORE

You Say ‘Diva’ Like It’s a Bad Thing

Wide receivers have long been referred to as the “divas” of the NFL. Guys like Michael Irvin, Terrell Owens, and these days, Antonio Brown have often made more news for their off-field antics than their on-field performance.

But one man’s diva is another man’s iconoclast, and in a sports landscape where the individual is often highly celebrated (see: the successful, individualistic NBA), perhaps it’s time for the NFL to celebrate these guys instead of denigrating them.

Run the Juuls

You know a brand has reached peak saturation when it goes from proper noun to verb. Google became “googling”; Uber became “ubering”; and now, Juul has become “juuling.” In just one year, the Juul became ubiquitous, which is to say it’s become an extremely popular e-cigarette among teens and adults alike. And now, all those heavy users are starting to figure out that maaaybe they don’t want to be attached at the hip to that extremely expensive, highly addictive device. Ruh-roh!

Big Divorce Energy

If 2018 was the year of Big Dick Energy, Miles Klee argues, Jeff Bezos walking around looking like a man who has been preparing for his divorce since the day he was married has signaled that 2019 is surely going to be the year of Big Divorce Energy.

It has begun.

Corporate Punishment

Most people want to do good in their jobs, but there’s always that one employee who’d rather do the bare minimum — or worse, not much of anything at all. In low-level jobs like in retail or hospitality, sometimes these slackers are punished with more work; in an office, an employee might be put on a work plan and scrutinized more closely. But in both cases, neither is an effective course of action. It may sound harsh, but in reality, the best move an HR department can make with a low-effort employee is to terminate them immediately.

What Isn’t a Dildo at This Point?

For all the jokes about guys using KY and a tube sock to jerk off, women have really cornered the market when it comes to DIY sex toys: Ears of corn, N64 controllers, fuck, even bath bombs?!?!

Tracy Moore goes into great detail describing just how chock-full of homemade dildos your house really is.

You Are the Lizard of My Dreams

Last week, Quinn Myers spoke to a collection of lucid dreamers about the wild and exhilarating experience of controlling one’s dreams. This week he’s back with guys who lucid dream not to fly, or be invisible, or commune with the animals, but to fuuuuuck. That’s right — lucid-dreaming sex tourism is definitely a thing, and when there are no rules, shit gets weird, quick.

Dude-Strology

Do you have a control-freak boss? Does your boss like to lord over meetings, give you a long list of random action items (that he’ll later forget he gave you) and generally make your life a living hell? If so, don’t seek professional help — what are you, a woman? — talk to our Chief Astrology Officer, Erin Taj. She’ll happily give you the skinny on how to handle your shit-head boss, and don’t forget, her DMs are always open.

Binge and Purge

It’s 2019, which means by now you’ve probably watched at least one competitive-eating competition like the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest on TV. Or, perhaps, you’re one of the millions of Americans who subscribe to a gross-out YouTube channel where someone eats massive amounts of calories for the hell of it:

Whatever your mode of conspicuous content-consumption may be, what I’m trying to get at is the fact that, most likely, you’ve seen the business end of competitive eating. What you haven’t seen or read about, however, is the great lengths competitive eaters go to to evacuate all that garbage from their bodies — and how that has doctors who specialize in eating disorders extremely worried.

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Jeff Gross

Jeff Gross is MEL’s senior editor for social media and content marketing. His daily ICYMI column, which chronicles all things meta on the site, is the quickest way to catch up on MEL, and the funniest thing you’ll read all day. Follow him on Twitter.