Article Thumbnail

The Best Fuckin’ Movie Fucks Like, Fuckin’ Ever

As in the word, you sick perverts

Recently, much has been made of the sheer number of times the word “fuck” is uttered in the new movie Uncut Gems. But as we well know, quantity doesn’t always equal quality (though it’s a damn fine movie). As such, we gathered together to debate the most memorable “fucks” in movie history (as in the word, not the act, you pervert). Obviously, if you have any problems with our selections, you can fuck off. 

“Nobody fucks with the Jesus!”

Brian VanHooker, The Big Lebowski: The Big Lebowski’s F-bombs are second to none. Not only are they numerous (at 260) and hilarious (“Shomer Fucking Shabbos!”), but they also feature the melodic rhythms of a Coen Brothers screenplay:

  • “That’s fucking interesting, man! That’s fucking interesting!”
  • “Where’s my fucking money, shithead!?!?” 
  • “They peed on your fucking rug!” 
  • “Fucking dog has fucking papers!” 
  • “Nobody fucks with the Jesus!” 
  • “Eh, fuck it dude, let’s go bowling!” 
  • “Fucking amateurs!” 
  • “I hate the fucking Eagles!”

And, most memorably, “You see what happens Larry? You see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!”

Ah, it’s like sweet music.

“Try getting a reservation at Dorsia now you fucking stupid bastard!”

Miles Klee, American Psycho: I’ve watched Mary Harron’s American Psycho — a tight, perfect adaptation of an arresting but imperfect novel — far more often than anyone might consider healthy. I think it’s the exquisite tension between the gleaming decadence and chic minimalism of the 1980s that really does it for me, this pressure to do the most and the least all at once. One point of catharsis, of course, is Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) donning a translucent poncho to axe-murder his rival Paul Allen (Jared Leto) while screeching “Try getting a reservation at Dorsia now you fucking stupid bastard!” as Huey Lewis and the News’ “Hip to Be Square” blares on his stereo.

I love the addition of “fucking” here, and Bale’s delivery, because it’s a superfluity on top of what’s already overkill: Allen is dead when the first blow lands, and Bateman is still screaming at him about trendy restaurants, lost in a murderous frenzy that far outstrips his theoretical motive. To me, the best f-bombs will always slip out the second one loses control. 

“You can start by wiping that fucking dumbass smile off your rosy fucking cheeks”

Tim Grierson, Planes, Trains & Automobiles: A lot of swearing is deployed like hand grenades or artillery fire: scattershot, reckless and haphazard, just hoping to hit anything in sight. But my favorite F-bombs are more akin to a blade: precise, subtle and deadly.

Which is to say, I love how Neal (Steve Martin), the weary traveler of Planes, Trains & Automobiles, deploys “fucking” in his clenched-teeth diatribe at an aggressively friendly car-rental employee (Edie McClurg). He wants a fucking car. He wants a fucking Datsun or a fucking Toyota or a fucking Mustang. Whatever, he just wants a fucking car right fucking now. He’s not swearing to be shocking. He’s swearing because it’s the only way for a person of his intelligence to adequately express how fucking angry he is. And he stretches out every single “fucking” that comes out of his mouth, just so its impact can linger a little longer. His “fucking” has about five syllables.

It’s hilarious because Neal never exactly explodes. Instead, he just simmers magnificently, each new “fucking” a hint of how close he is to losing it completely. And the more offended the prim-and-proper car-rental lady gets, the funnier the whole thing becomes. But then she gets the last laugh: He doesn’t have his rental agreement… so he’s fucked. It’s an expert counterpunch, and she’s so pleased with herself that it’s a fucking perfect capper to this fucking scene.

“Don’t! Ever! Stop! FUCKING! Me!”

Brian Smith Jerry Maguire: Cameron Crowe’s 1996 masterpiece Jerry Maguire — imho, the best romantic comedy of all time — includes two perfect F-bombs. In the first, the film smash cuts to introduce Jerry’s disgruntled fiance, Avery Bishop (Kelly Preston) getting smashed by Jerry against a bookshelf while staccato-shouting “Don’t! Ever! Stop! FUCKING! Me!” Needless to say, it’s an epic entrance for a female antagonist. 

Equally memorable (if far more innocent) is the second F-bomb. Drunk Jerry spills his guts to Ray — his impossibly cute future stepson — lamenting the predatory existence that’s made him a non-entity: “My whole life I’ve been trying to talk — I mean, really talk — but no one wants to listen to me.” Meanwhile, Ray just wants to go to the zoo and interrupts Jerry repeatedly to let him know of this fact. Finally, with a half-crazed smile exhibited in every Tom Cruise film ever, Jerry throws up his arms and says, “The fucking zoo’s closed.” 

“You said fuck!” a stunned Ray replies. 

Indeed he did, Ray. Indeed he did.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

Joseph Longo, Bridesmaids: The first great comedy of the 2010s, Bridesmaids still holds up at the end of the decade. Quotes like “I’m glad he’s single, ‘cause I’m gonna climb that like a tree” and “I feel bad for your face” are now solidly part of gay and sorority girl vernacular. 

Yet I’ll always remember the film for bringing new life to a ubiquitous phrase. Sadsack Annie (Kristen Wiig) finally snaps after her perfect maid-of-honor competitor Helen (Rose Byrne) surprises bride Lillian (Maya Rudolph) with a trip to Paris moments after Annie gifted Lillian a box full of cheap childhood memorabilia. 

Amid all the partygoers “oohs and ahhs,” the camera lingers on Annie’s maligned face as she screeches, “Are you fucking kidding me?” Two minutes of perfect physical comedy ensues as Annie destroys the gaudy shower — chocolate fountain, oversized cookie and all.

There’s something incredibly cathartic about seeing Annie break from the pretentious pleasantries of performative adult gatherings. It’s a good reminder that nothing really matters. It’s also so fucking funny. 

“I will take you outside and fuck you in the street!”

Ian Lecklitner, Pineapple Express: Say whatever you want about Pineapple Express, but one scene in particular delivers a swift series of “fucks” that reminds us just how versatile, poetic and occasionally confusing this profane word really is.

Is Ed Begley Jr. going to ruthlessly beat Seth Rogen and James Franco in the street? Or is he going to make sweet, sweet love to them in the street? The message that “fuck” sends is, it could be either — or it could be both. Who knows? But right there, in those four little letters, is all that versatile, confusing poetry I’m talking about. 

“I’m the daddy now! Next time, I’ll fucking kill you!

Nick Leftley, Trainspotting / Scum: As a Brit in America, I’ve noticed that people seem to find the very idea of British people swearing to be funny. It’s an easy comedy equation: The harder the swear and the posher the accent, the funnier it becomes. Think Hugh Grant and his bumbling, upper-class twit friends in Four Weddings and a Funeral, a film in which almost no one says anything other than “fuck” for at least the first minute and a half.

But take the performative comedic aspect out and British people swearing can be utterly terrifying. There is nothing that will make you shit your very bones out like the sound of a large Essex skinhead bellowing “Facking caaahhnnt” at the bar before the inevitable screaming and breaking glass begins. Don’t believe me? Take a look at an impossibly young Ray Winstone in 1979’s Scum, beating two other borstal inmates to within an inch of their lives before delivering the immortal, career-defining phrase, “I’m the daddy now! Next time, I’ll fucking kill you!

Winstone’s accent is cockney, rather than the Estuary English of Essex (the difference being that the former has slightly fewer consonants), but you take my point: Lose the poshness and British swearing isn’t funny at all. Speaking of which, many Americans think that “British” is interchangeable with “English,” a point which a few Scottish and Welsh people might take issue with, perhaps none more so than one Francis Begbie, played with sickening intensity by Robert Carlisle in 1996’s Trainspotting. By the film’s climax — in which he’s freshly ripped off by his junkie friend, then cornered by police, who already have a warrant out for his arrest — he’s barely comprehensible. It’s not clear at times whether he’s screaming “fuck,” “cunt” or “bastard” — in his foaming, room-destroying rage, it’s unlikely even he knows, simply bellowing gutteral, comingled curses at the walls like a rabid animal. 

Now, would you laugh if either of these characters cussed you out in real life? 

Fuck no.

“That’s not a threat, that’s a fact — I’ll fuckin’ kill ya.”

Magdalene Taylor, Good Will Hunting: The “fucks” in Good Will Hunting touch upon a full spectrum of emotion. I find they’re most poignant, though, in their embodiment of a working-class Massachusetts dialect. For me, that makes them wicked fuckin’ relatable. In particular, I constantly think about the scene toward the end of the film when Chuckie (Ben Affleck) tells Will (Matt Damon) what a slap in the face it would be if he didn’t use his big brain to actually move up in the world: “Look, you’re my best friend, so don’t take this the wrong way but, in 20 years, if you’re still livin’ here, comin’ over to my house, watchin’ the Patriots games, workin’ construction, I’ll fuckin’ kill ya. That’s not a threat, that’s a fact — I’ll fuckin’ kill ya.” 

Every time I hear Ben Affleck say “I’ll fuckin’ kill ya,” it gives me the push I need to not go crawling back to Massachusetts myself. 

“Yeah, I know what a fugazi is”

Andrew Fiouzi, Donnie Brasco: In every great gangster movie, the use of “fuck” is plentiful — some might even say too plentiful. But a fan of the genre understands that using it incessantly is just part of the fuckin’ poetry. And yet, there’s only one gangster movie that boasts the holy “F word” trinity — fuck, fuggedaboutit and fugazi — and that’s Donnie Brasco. Sure, most people immediately think of Matthew McConaughey’s character in The Wolf of Wall Street riffing on “fuckin fugazi” when they hear that particular piece of slang, but without Donnie Brasco, that line is nothing more than a fuckin’ fugazi. So, you know, fuggedaboutit.

“Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me”

Isabelle Kohn, The Silence of the Lambs: This movie was the first horror film to ever win Best Picture at the Academy Awards, so it must have been good, but that’s neither here nor there. The only scene I remember — hell, the only scene that matters — is the one where Buffalo Bill, a cross-dressing serial killer played by Ted Levine, tucks his dick and balls behind his legs, beats his face like he’s on Drag Race, raises his arms like a phoenix rising from the ashes of all the bodies he’s burned and coos “Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me” to his own reflection while wearing someone else’s skin. “Goodbye Horses” by Q Lazzarus makes for a psychotic serenade, and I’m pretty sure it held the record for “Most Iconic and Disturbing Item of Film Ever Made, Thank You Very Much” — or at least it did before Cats came out. 

Now I can’t get naked without doing that in the mirror. It’s fucked up.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information