The Debate Around ‘Spit Hoods,’ The Powerlessness of Robert Mueller and How to Go Fuck Yourself

I would have been so much happier this morning if Robert Mueller had simply walked up to the podium, ripped off his jacket to reveal a doomsday weapon and pressed a big red button. Just put us out of our misery, please.

I’m ready for a nap.

Must Reads

“Spit Hoods Are Adding Fuel to the Fire in America’s Police Brutality Dispute”
Last week, the Sacramento Police Department became the subject of outrage when a recent video of the arrest of a 12-year-old black boy went viral after the officers who were detaining him placed what is known as a “spit hood” over his head. Spit hoods have, in recent years, become popular among police, hospital workers and prison guards for their ability to protect against the transmission of infectious diseases. But their lynching-like appearance — and officers’ willingness to use them outside their intended use  — indicates something much darker. READ MORE

Mueller: *Crickets*

For basically, well, everyone, the news that Special Counsel Robert Mueller would hold a press conference this morning was greeted mostly by hope. On one side, hope that Mueller would fill in the remaining gaps in logic as to why President Trump had not been charged with a crime; and on the other, hope that Mueller would admit there was no crime to begin with. But when the press conference was over, that hope was gone. Because Mueller didn’t say anything of note, really. In fact, his reticence to say anything resembling a confirmation one way or another reveals he’s just as helpless to do anything as we are.

Mommy and Daddy Were Just ‘Wrestling’

Have you ever thought about your parents getting their fuck on? Few things can send a shiver down your spine like that mental image. Ironic, given the fact that we live in an age where we can watch any number of taboo porn scenes without blinking an eye. So why does thinking about our parents doing sex stuff make us want to vomit? Psychologists weigh in.

‘Kyle’ Versus the Drywall

There are no shortage of online archetypes: The Chads, the Stacys, the Online Wives and the Reply Guys, to name a few. And just as the internet gets tired of one, it adds another  — which is why we now have “Kyle.”

Miles Klee charts the rise of the Kyle meme and its relationship to white male rage.

Supporting Abortion Rights in Five Easy Steps

A lot of dudes are quick to pay lip service to being pro-choice in an age where abortion rights are being eroded at an alarming rate. But that’s just talk. It’s time to start doing, my bros, and getting involved comes with a surprisingly easy first step: Giving a shit.

Attack of the Twitter Stan ‘Bots’

It’s quite possible to love something so much — and post about that love online so much — that some people might think you’re in too deep. Thankfully, as some stans of the K-pop supergroup BTS found out, Twitter is here to save us from our obsessive fandoms. Well, technically speaking, there’s actually no altruism at work here. Twitter simply saw them posting about the boy band enough that it assumed they were bots. Hussein Kesvani spoke to a number of Twitter users who were cut off by the messaging service for the crime of stanning too hard.

Rub Some Dirt on It

Pierced or not, if you don’t clean your belly button out with soap and hot water, you run the risk of developing a nasty infection. Magdalene Taylor’s boyfriend, Zane, unfortunately found that out the hard way. As a three-mile-a-day runner with a hairy bod and a penchant for cold showers, he discovered his navel cavity had become the perfect home for a bacterial jamboree. This is his story.

Go Fuck Yourself

No, really — go fuck yourself. According to the community of men who literally fuck themselves on a regular basis, the process is actually quite simple:

1. Keep your dick flaccid.
2. Grab the helmet of your penis and wrap it toward your back.
3. With your free hand, stretch it out until it sits slightly past your anus.
4. “Cup” your fingers, point the helmet directly toward your hole and put it in.

Then, and only then, should you inspire an erection.

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Jeff Gross

Jeff Gross is MEL’s senior editor for social media and content marketing. His daily ICYMI column, which chronicles all things meta on the site, is the quickest way to catch up on MEL, and the funniest thing you’ll read all day. Follow him on Twitter.