2-12-19

The Christian Teens Exploiting ‘God’s Loophole’ to Keep their Virginity, Exorcising an Ex and the New and Improved Emoji Sext Game

I could have sworn that teens doing anal in a misguided effort to maintain their chastity was a myth. But, it turns out, it really does happen.

What I want to know is, how does it, like, go down? That conversation is hard enough between two experienced adults, so how do a couple of pimple-faced 10th graders get there? Is it like, “Hey, do you want to play Fortnite later? Oh, and btw, Jesus says it’s okay if we do it in the butt”? Or: Is the desire for penetrative sex so strong that it overwhelms any need for conversation?

Thankfully, Eddie Kim gets answers to all these questions in what is a truly (brown) eye-opening addition to our ongoing Ass Week lineup.

Must Read

“Do Christian Teens Really Have Butt Sex to Avoid Losing Their ‘Virginity’?”
It’s not “sex” if you do it in the butt, right? That’s the mythical concept behind “God’s Loophole,” a.k.a. the Christian teen get-out-of-virgin-jail-free card. But I’m here to tell you that it’s anything but mythical. Well, actually, Eddie Kim is here to tell you that. He spoke to numerous real-life teens taking a strict letter-of-the-law approach to their “technical virginity.” And the how and why of it all is just as incredible as the fact that deeply religious high schoolers are having anal sex in the first place. READ MORE

Bottom’s Up

If you’re hetero, you’ve likely never probed the gaping depths of “bottom culture,” i.e., the online world of memes and in-jokes loosely based on the role of receiver in penetrative sex. But this being Ass Week and all, we thought it prudent to allow Miles Klee to bring this important work to your attention because, like astrology, the implications of bottom culture are far reaching for everyone.

Guy Who Gets Dumped in Rom-Coms, We Salute You

Valentine’s Day is upon us, which, as sure as you’re alive, means you’re about to see a shitload of reposted “best romantic comedies of all time” listicles clogging up your feeds. But instead of celebrating the “guy gets girl” trope these rom-coms are famous for, we thought we’d do something a little different — namely, pay homage to some of the most infamous “guys who get dumped by girl who gets with the other guy” in cinematic history.

Bed of Roses

The MEL staff had a spirited debate on Slack yesterday about the go-to Valentine’s Day move of guys filling their significant others’ bedrooms with roses. Some on the team appreciated the basic romanticism of it; others called it a cliché. What was agreed upon, however, was that if you’re gonna do it, you gotta do it right.

The Power of HGTV Compels You

One of the worst parts of a breakup is, if you shared a place, one of you will stay and one of you will have to go. At first blush, keeping your spot seems like the better end of the deal. But doing so comes with something far worse: The ghosts. And that’s the premise of a new HGTV show called Unspouse My House, hosted by “breakup expert” Orlando Soria, which pitches redecoration as the means of exorcising an ex.

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YOU GUYS I LITERALLY JUST ARRIVED BACK FROM EUROPE TO THE WILDEST NEWS IN HISTORY. I HAVE MY OWN TV SHOW!!! (I’ve actually known this for three months and the secret has been eating me from within because I am zero percent capable of keeping things to myself). As many of you know, I’d been developing a TV show much of 2017-2018, working with @jenrettig11 and @51minds to come up with a solid, fresh design series filled with humor, heart, and houses. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE @hgtv’s “UNSPOUSE MY HOUSE” (the brilliant name was the brainchild of our HGTV Executive Producer @lorenruch), a half-hour design series in which I help a recently single homeowner renovate their house and MOVE ON FROM THEIR STUPID BORING OLD RELATIONSHIP. It’s kind of like my Instagram come to life and turned into an extremely exciting show filled with relationship drama, eye popping home makeovers, and renovation freak outs. AND IT’S HOSTED BY ME ACTING LIKE A COMPLETE PSYCHOPATH. If you’ve been following along, you know this is a super personal project for me based on my own painful breakups. I’ve had a rough few years, and was seeking a way to make my experience into something that would help people feel less alone. That’s what this show is. It’s all about building people up and helping them heal. Whilst laughing a lot and reminding them how fun life can be. This is a genuine, real show that comes from a very genuine, real place and that’s why it works so well. I’M 100% CERTAIN YOU WILL LOVE IT. PS: If you know any recent singles who live in Southern California and might want to do some post-breakup renovation, email Unspoused@wyldsidemedia.com OK BYE. #unspousemyhouse #hgtv #showlando

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Strike a Pose

If you grew up watching the WWF during the 1980s, you likely remember the part of pro wrestling that didn’t involve piledrivers, clotheslines or atomic leg drops. I’m referring, of course, to the posedown, during which wrestlers would stand in the ring and strike bodybuilding poses, often to the boos of a restless crowd. Over the last couple of decades, however, the posedown has all but disappeared. Oliver Lee Bateman charts its rise and fall, and the correlation between its demise and our changing tastes from the hypertrophied physiques of wrestling’s Golden Age.

Dangerously Hard

Whether it’s brands of energy drink, candy or gas station sex pills, if it says it’s “herbal” and it promises to get your dick hard, you can be pretty sure it has Viagra in it. And that’s not a good thing, because boner medicine is prescription-only for a reason — a reason often ignored by the manufacturers of these products to the detriment of your health and in violation of the law.

Step Your Emoji Sext Game Up

It’s that time of year when the emoji powers-that-be deliver unto us a fresh batch of absolutely 🔥 emojis. And like clockwork, it’s up to us to figure out how to use them sext-ually.

This year, however, the hard work of converting emojis into sexts has done for you by our very own Isabelle Kohn. And all I can say is, if you’re not peach + snorkel + watch-ing, you’re doing it wrong.