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A Visual Guide to Everything That’s as Long as the Average Penis

Inspired by men’s endless obsession with the average penis size, I measured everything in my house to find out which everyday items best approximate its length

As a person who often writes about dicks, I’m accustomed to answering a variety of questions about their many forms, functions and peculiar ailments. Still, I’m haunted by a singular inquiry: What’s the average penis size? 

Maybe you’re curious about whether your childhood diet played a role in your dick size. Maybe you want to know if you inherited it from your mom or dad. Or maybe you just want to know whether it’s possible to inject your hog with girth-enhancing cosmetic fillers. It doesn’t matter what the foil is — you guys simply won’t stop pestering me about what constitutes an average cock. All of this boils down to a generalized anxiety about dick size and what’s “normal” that confronts me at every turn. 

More annoying than the repetition of the question (and the fact that honestly, it doesn’t even matter) is that you should know the answer by now. But since you’re here, I’ll remind you: In the U.S., the typical erect penis is between 5.1 and 5.5 inches long. The median length between those two figures is 5.3 inches, so, there you go. That’s your answer. 

“BuT MaGdA, hOw BiG iS tHaT, eXaCtlY?!” 

Do I have to do fucking everything around here? 

Fine, I’ll get out a tape measure and show you. Here are some things that are roughly the same size as the average penis, plus a bonus round so you can get that 5.3-inch figure through your thick, beautiful skull. 

A 12-Ounce Can of LaCroix 

Traditional 12-ounce cans are just slightly shorter than 5.3 inches, making them a decent comparative tool for the average penis. Unfortunately, their girth will probably outshine yours, though — most cans are 8 inches around, compared to the standard 4.6 for penises.

An iPhone 7

An iPhone 7 comes in right at five and a half inches, making it a close match in size to the average dick. Later iPhone models are about half an inch larger or more. 

A Bottle of Tums

A dear friend of mine. Nearly a twin in height! 

My Hand

I have freakishly small hands, though. My hand is slightly bigger than 5.3 inches long, too. Presumably, this means most adult women have hands that are significantly bigger than the average penis. Sorry!

This Hippie ~Natural~ Deodorant I Bought At My Favorite Store, TJ Maxx 

I think this is comparable to the standard deodorant size, particularly those marketed toward women. For some reason, deodorant companies definitely seem to adhere to that line of thinking where stuff for men needs to be bigger, because otherwise we won’t know they’re for MEN. So, your mileage may vary.

The Length Between the Space Bar and the Option Key

Another nearly perfect match. Lay your dick down on your keyboard and try it for yourself!

The Width of My Face (Visually, Anyway)

I don’t think my face is actually only 5.3 inches wide, but when I hold the measuring tape up to it, it looks pretty accurate! I imagine this information and the accompanying photo could really take someone with a creative mind far. 

What Some of You Think Is Comparable In Size 

I posted a picture of myself and my measuring tape to Instagram, asking my followers to guess what they thought it was a measurement of. Plenty of them guessed accurately, which is good. I think we should abolish prisons, but the one guy who responded “nipple” needs to be imprisoned for life. 

Anyway, what did surprise me in this quest to measure 5.3 inches is the fact that most objects are bigger than you expect. A remote control seems like it would probably be about the same size as a dick, right? Wrong! At least with my remote, dicks are about an inch smaller. And that is perfectly FINE! Unless you’re having sex with a pile of miscellanoeus objects around you, it really doesn’t matter at all how yours compares to, say, a bottle of Tums. 

In any case, you now always have a proper frame of reference. Do not ask me how big the average dick is ever again.

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