Every day, porn star and University of Southern California journalism grad student Tasha Reign wakes up to a curious string of emails from her fans, a devoted group of men and women she lovingly refers to as “Reigndeer.” Said Reigndeer ask her questions — so many questions — about her perspectives on sex, love, relationships and life itself, and as someone who’s had more firsthand experience in these areas than four adult women combined, she’s become uniquely up to the task of answering them. Every couple of weeks then, Tasha will select a few of these questions and provide her insight, advice and expert wisdom in the hopes that she can help you fuck and love better, too.
I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for about a year, and we’ve never said “I love you.” He’s asked me to move in with him and does incredibly sweet things for me all the time so I’m not concerned he dislikes me or anything. But I am insecure enough about it that I’m scared to say “I love you” to him. Am I freaking out about nothing? Should I just assume he loves me based on how he acts? Is it even something that needs to be said?
Yes, “I love you” is absolutely something that needs to be said in a stable, healthy and long-term relationship. That said, I can’t explain to you how often I hear a girlfriend of mine tell me that it’s been a year or more and no one has said those vulnerable words to them.
In other words: You are not alone!
If you’re already at the point in your relationship where you’re considering moving in together, I highly suggest you say “I love you” first. I completely understand being scared about saying those three little words — it’s a lot of pressure and nerves, and no one wants to be the person who is “too into” their partner. But honestly, none of us are mind readers, and if your partner has the security of knowing they can say it back to you, it might be really rewarding.
The last time I was in a relationship, I had to say “I love you” first. I was too cowardly to say the words out loud though, so I wrote them down in a pretty and delicate card that I gave to my ex-boyfriend during a special moment (we were making out and having a romantic night on a mountaintop in L.A.). So that’s always an option, too — if you can’t say it, write it!
When I gave him the card, he read it and responded with the actual words “I love you.” What a relief that was! I still resented him a little for not doing it first, but I was grateful that I’d worked up the courage and didn’t chicken out.
I suggest that you make the same leap — it’s better to know than to continue in this limbo of uncertainty. I can also strongly predict he’ll reciprocate the words because he’s shown so many actions that match what a person does when they feel that they love someone. Suggesting moving in, sweet and kind gestures — these are all great signs of a man who loves his partner!
Do women like short guys? I’m pretty small for a guy — 5-foot-5 and slim — and I’ve always been really insecure about it (even though I actually have a big-ish dick). I would really appreciate an honest answer for once. Also, anything I can do to make up for it?
Okay, so here’s the deal: I’m personally attracted to tall men, especially if I’m swiping on a dating app. But if I meet somebody in person and they have a great personality, we have good chemistry, they have a good job and if all of their other basic traits are in order, I can completely overlook the fact that he isn’t tall. I myself am only 5-foot-4 — who am I to desire somebody that’s a whole foot or two taller than me?
I’m not sure what the scientific reasoning behind women’s preference for tall men is, but yes, they do often make me and other women feel feminine and protected. One of my main desires in a relationship and one of my main needs in a man is to feel safe and guarded, so maybe there’s a correlation with height and security. But just because somebody’s tall does not mean they’ll keep you safe, and it’s not rational to think that they would. I think it’s just the illusion that they’re big, you’re little, and therefore, you’re safe.
There’s definitely hope for guys like you, though. Many women not only appreciate and worship a short man but absolutely want to be with one, too. I know this, because growing up, my best friend’s dad was a big Hollywood movie director, and he had all of the most beautiful girlfriends (sometimes even a few at once). Some were Playboy Playmates or fashion models, and he couldn’t have been taller than 5-foot-5. It worked for him because he was attractive in other ways — he was extremely successful and confident, two traits that totally canceled out his small frame.
So, if you can hone in on a quality other than height to attract people — humor, intelligence, stability, loyalty, creativity, great head — that’s going to be the key to your success and I promise you she won’t care that you’re not Shaq. I’m not saying that you have to be a big Hollywood movie producer or anything; I’m just saying that height is a superficial trait that many women including myself are attracted to, and if you can focus on another trait, that might be your best bet in fighting the prejudice against short men in America.
I’ve been seeing a new girl who’s really kinky, like a total freak. She’s into everything and wants to try it with me, but I’m just not into that stuff. I’m a normal guy who likes boobs and missionary; I don’t get off on any of the kinky, BDSM-y stuff that she does. We get along great and I’m really into her, but I’m worried I won’t be enough for her. Can these kinds of relationships ever work out?
This is something I’ve personally experienced in my own dating life. My last boyfriend was really into boobs and missionary, and his absolute kinkiest desire was an FFM threesome with two girls and himself. This wasn’t enough for me. I’d try to implement kinky things in the bedroom, but alas, he felt pressured and wasn’t interested.
Unfortunately, that was a big part of why we broke up. Sexual wellness and sexual health are huge priorities for me, and it sounds like they might be for your partner, too. I understand that you’re not naturally into kink or BDSM, but if you want to keep the relationship thriving and healthy, meet her halfway with some half-kinky, half-vanilla sex.
My couples’ therapist told me that compromise is necessary in order for a relationship to succeed when there are deal-breakers like this involved. Maybe your partner will meet you halfway and become vanilla when you just want some romantic missionary, and maybe you’ll compromise by letting her tie you up the next day. Talk about which aspects of kink she can’t live without and try your best to humor her, because I promise you, she’s humoring you by pretending to be more vanilla than she actually is. As long as what she’s asking for isn’t hurting you emotionally or physically, think of having kinky sex with her as the work you put into your relationship to keep it strong. As a fellow kinkster myself, I absolutely think that pushing your limits in the bedroom in a safe way isn’t only fun and relaxing but educational and progressive.
That’s why I will never again date somebody who isn’t progressive and kinky in the boudoir again!