What’s broke? Getting into fights with guys to prove your love for your girlfriend.
What’s woke? Expressing your love for your girlfriend by giving her a box of chocolates molded from your asshole.
Allow me to explain: This week, Eddie Kim explored the embarrassing history of men fighting with other men over women, even if the women in question don’t want them to. Meanwhile, C. Brian Smith went across the pond to visit London-based anus artist Magnus Irvin and get a custom mold of his asshole made, which he then turned into a box of asshole-shaped chocolates. Personally, I think little chocolate assholes sound lovely, and highly preferential to my boyfriend potentially getting assault charges in a bar brawl. FYI, women are big horny perverts, too: So an edible version of your anus might be what she’s always wanted but has been too afraid to ask for.
The Week in Features
The Cut of Your Butt
If you were in middle school in the 1990s, chances are, you and probably a dozen of your classmates rocked the “Butt Cut,” a hairstyle that looks a bit like a bowl cut parted down the middle. The Butt Cut was the look back then, as Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Rider Strong could attest, but it’s made a pop-culture comeback since being featured prominently on the Hulu middle-school comedy Pen15. In honor of the show bringing it back, Quinn Myers investigated how the haircut became so popular in the first place.
A ‘Like’ Ain’t What It Used to Be…
Instagram “likes” used to serve a purpose. Specifically, it was the simplest way to separate the wheat — i.e., a high-quality post — from the chaff — another grainy, washed-out picture of someone’s dinner. Today’s teens, however, mash likes on literally every post in their feed, not because they actually “like it,” but because it’s simply what you do. And that’s freaking out brands who rely on likes to gauge consumer interest.
FIRE-d Up for Retirement
Most people’s retirement plans involve socking away money in a 401(k), and waiting until they turn 65 to cash it in. But if you really want to retire by age 40, like the guys who practice FIRE, or Financial Independence and Early Retirement, it means taking a completely different tack: no dinners out, vacations or Netflix subscriptions; using the same towel at least 10 times and showering once every three days to save on water; and eating “containers of pure olive oil” to keep food costs low.
Friends in Fast Places
Porsche 911 Carrera S. Ferrari 488. Mercedes SLS convertible. For the members of the Canyon Carvers, a men’s driving club in Southern California, exotic sports cars are nothing without friends to break the speed limit with. Andrew Fiouzi joined the Carvers’ high-priced caravan for a morning of S-curves through the rolling Malibu hillside, and found a group of men bonded over one thing above all else: Their love of traveling the open road as fast as they can.
Three Reasons to Throw Your Phone Directly in the Trash
There are days when I feel permanently attached to my phone, almost as if it’s a part of me, and I, a part of it. Thankfully, half the shit I read on MEL reminds me that, actually, our phones are the devil. For example:
- Robocalls will soon claim your sanity, the sanity of your loved ones and destroy society as a whole. Finally, something the Right and Left can agree on!
- Your phone is probably a disease-ridden mess anyway, considering all the viruses it’s likely contracted from the porn you watch on it.
- The fact that cell phones make it super easy to booty call your ass all over town has given rise to a killer new diss: “The Groupon peen.” Thus, toss the phone, or risk becoming the sexual equivalent of a 15-percent off coupon for an oil change.
MEL Slacks, Completely Out-of-Context