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Why Can’t We Stop Talking About Rasputin’s Giant Dick?

The myths have formed a self-perpetuating cycle of penis curiosity, but TikTok might also have something to do with it

It’s been nearly 125 years since he died, and yet the legend of Rasputin’s absolutely massive penis lives on. At this particular moment, it’s perhaps as popular as ever: It ranks third in penis-related searches on Google over the last 12 months, and saw significant spikes in traffic over the last two months.

Of course, since its beginning, Rasputin’s penis has been an object of much yearning, desire and curiosity — first as Rasputin’s own appendage, later as a mythic lost object and now as an internet oddity. But why exactly does it still plague us so?

@boneym.official

He was big and strong. #rasputin #rasputindance #rasputindancechallenge #zurückzurmusik

♬ Rasputin (7″ Version) – Boney M.

The main answer is indeed that it’s simply gigantic. Like, it’s not just a “big dick” by muddy cultural standards: If both the stories and photos of it are true, Rasputin’s penis is/was 12 inches long, potentially while flaccid. (The subject of its flaccidity is complicated, as his penis is currently housed in a jar in the Museum of Erotica in St. Petersburg, Russia. Those pickling juices may do some inflating, but this only bolsters the allure of the penis further — of course we’re all curious about a massive dick in a jar.)

But again, it’s not just any big dick, it’s Rasputin’s. The basics of his story as a peasant-born mystic and spiritual guide to the Romanovs, later assassinated by poison, gunshot and drowning (likely just gunshot, but what kind of mystic is only killed by one gunshot?) is alluring on its own. More than just an occult guru, though, Rasputin was said to be one of Russia’s best lays. There are many unsourced anecdotes to bolster this, such as that one woman fainted from the intensity of the orgasm he bestowed, or that women internationally spoke of his penis’ fertility-giving abilities.

His penis’ notoriety was such that after his death, it was removed from his body, preserved and hidden for years, swapped around by fanatics before ending up in the hands of Rasputin’s daughter, who later sold it herself in the 1970s. In 2000, its current owner, Dr. Igor Knyazkin, purchased it from antique dealers for $8,000.

Again, this is all just a story — Rasputin’s penis could very well still be attached to his body in the ground, of perfectly average size. The fact that these theories exist, though, only pushes the myth further. We wouldn’t be talking about Rasputin’s penis if these myths didn’t encourage us to. These myths wouldn’t encourage us to if we weren’t talking about Rasputin’s penis. Thus, his dick becomes a phallic oroborus.

@merayad_

just tried this trend

♬ Rasputin (7″ Version) – Boney M.

In the current moment, however, there does seem to be a new development in the Rasputin penis discourse. On TikTok, the 1978 disco hit “Rasputin” by Boney M. has become the source of a viral trend. It’s a truly bizarre banger, entirely devoted to “Russia’s greatest love machine.” The 1.1 million videos using the song make it feel suspiciously modern — while some use the song to perform an exhausting-looking dance, most use it exclusively to thirst trap.

It’s almost as if, through the song, the legend of Rasputin continues to be a locus of excessive sexual mystery and horniness. More likely, though, people are searching for the song after seeing it on TikTok, learning of Rasputin’s penis and perpetuating the cycle forward.

Either way, Rasputin’s dick always seems to be on our minds. Perhaps that’s evidence alone of its mystical quality.

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