Updated 7/1/2022
Upon turning 35 years old, many people take strides to better their overall health. They might start running, eating healthier, or in the case of (recently suspended) redditor u/VoyeurOfBliss — “VoB” for short — learning how to fire out a good clean poop without having to wipe more than once. In short, he wanted to become a one-wipe wonder, the exclusive club of humans whose fiber-rich diets allow them a healthy poop every time and excessive wiping is a thing of the past.
“I decided that I was going to take major steps to take care of my body better, and improve myself physically to better reflect what I was genetically capable of,” VoB tells me. The first step, VoB says, was to better regulate his diet, wherein he discovered a higher, more-calculated way to manage his hunger, and achieve the elusive clean poop.
How to Poop Without Wiping
VoB tried everything, all the “types and formats of fiber supplements” you can imagine, but finally settled on psyllium husk products, which is ground up Plantago ovata seeds and pretty much pure, unadulterated fiber. Truly the highest caliber fiber one could ever need for a healthy, clean poop. Eventually he was near WebMD’s recommended daily dosage of 37g of fiber spread throughout the day.
“The first week was filled with gas trouble as I adjusted, but there was an incredible benefit, consistency and ease of my poops. Gone was the fudge factory, and soft pellet production began. A week later was the first shock: a streak-free, one-square wipe. It was a clean poop. I thought it was a fluke, so I tried again… clean TP. This would eventually become normal to me.”
Now, you can find VoB in the comments of various Reddit threads preaching the ways of the single-wipe lifestyle. “The rule I tell people,” he explains to another commenter in a recent r/AskMen thread that of course turned to poop talk, “if it takes more than one square 3 out ten times, you need fiber. It will change your life.”
In a Reddit message, he expands on this thought: “Diet for most of us varies, so being perfectly regular isn’t something I tell people to expect. I try to generalize it with the comparison that over 10 times you’ve sat down to poop, at least seven of those times should be a simple and clean experience, with three squares or less of TP.”
He adds, “If you are having more trouble than that, such as a mess almost every time, you should take a hard look at your nutrition or possibly talk to your doctor! The last time I talked to my doctor, she was also on a fiber supplement plan almost exactly the same as I was.”
So I followed VoB’s advice and asked a doctor — theoretically, could one judge his health based on how many wipes it takes to get a clean butthole?
“Uhhhhh… no,” Dr. Marc Leavey responds. While the consistency of your stool does depend on “what you have eaten, particularly the fiber content, how much fluid you have consumed, and, perhaps most importantly, your own bowel function,” he says, “various changes in your state of health, such as viruses or other infections, can also change the nature of your stool.”
For example, Leavey says that though soft stool taken through fiber might seem easier to clean, “a firm, compact stool may be evacuated with little residue as well.” So, in short, “just as stool consistency is variable, so is the ease, or difficulty, of post-defecation cleansing.”
The doctor adds that the most important thing “is to clean thoroughly, without irritating the perianal tissues,” so the One-Square Wonders and Two-Square Crusaders aren’t totally off base — it is a good thing to get properly clean using fewer wipes. But a clean poop isn’t necessarily the marker of great health they might think.
I’m not necessarily one with a polished ass, nor do I think it’s “gay” to wipe my ass, but the thought to purposefully adjust my fiber intake so as to perfect my pooping-and-wiping routine has never occured to me. To find out more about how to poop without having to wipe so much, I asked some guys who bumped up their fiber intake and haven’t looked back since.
Meet the One-Wipe Wonders
An Ass You Can Eat Off
VoyeurOfBliss, 35: Today, my routine is usually having a fruit smoothie every other day that has a tablespoon of off brand psyllium husk product mixed in, though I often branch out from my normal diet [to something like] Mexican cuisine. Once in a while it will be a treat, and my body is not always accustomed to what I consume. This can make for a cycle of faster or messier poops, but as long as the fiber supplements remain, they are manageable.
If I poop so much I’m getting sore or have to wipe and clean enough for the process to be bothersome, it usually is a sign of a stomach bug or poor diet.
My family is prone to stomach issues, and most of us know the wonders of fiber supplements. Some actually get fiber from their normal diet, but most of us have to take something. I frequently recommend it to friends with dieting issues and it is not well received because of the stigma that it is a sign of genetic issues or “wimpy-ness.” It does not make sense to me that fiber supplements are not just something that is normally taught and considered even at a young age, since we all have varying diets. You shouldn’t consider nutrition just as you get older, you should be taught it when you’re young, so you never encounter issues at all.
Something that really triggers the “ew” factor when it comes to butt cleanliness is sexual acts that happen down there, men and women. If it seems like an insurmountable task to clean up your butt hole and not worry about staying that way long enough to enjoy a session with your partner, you might want to take steps to improve your health! A nice clean poop and healthy wash should be all it takes to prepare for any activity you might want to try.
Vegetarian and One Wipe Go Hand in Hand
James, 25: I come from an upper-middle-class Australian family of three, and my parents raised all of us vegetarian, despite Australia being pretty meat obsessed. Throughout school I had a handful of observations that I just thought was me being different, but could be associated with having been vegetarian, the first of which was that toilet paper went almost unused, if unnecessary most of the time.
I’ll do a courtesy wipe, but it’s frankly unnecessary a lot of the time because I know it’s a clean poop. There have been wiping jokes like Chris Pratt from Parks and Recreation made, but I never realized people actually have [the problem of wiping more than once] before Reddit, I just thought they were jokes.
When a lot of wiping is necessary, because my diet is so stable, I take it as a sign of poor health for me. Being a vegetarian, toilet smells are barely noticeable, and to this day I do not understand why people need so much time to use a toilet. I grew up in a house where the bathroom didn’t have a fan, there was a window but it was closed during winter to keep the heat in. In other words, a clean poop is pivotal.
It was immediately noticeable when we had guests over, but not a problem for a house of five vegetarians. I didn’t learn what the toilet lid was for until I was well into my teens. Again only a problem when I was in poor health. I’ve seen the jokes about reading the back of shampoo bottles but honestly the entire process for me could be counted in seconds on your hands most of the time.
Going Paperless
Redditor u/VMCLA: I was PLAGUED with hemorrhoids. Pooping became a major dread each and every day. Plus, I had been eating a lot of carbs which means very messy stools. Very messy.
After a couple of minor operations to relieve the hemorrhoids, I met a gastroenterologist who said first thing… Do you know about Metamucil? He was the one who told me about the potential for no paper, ease of passing stools and how with a higher protein diet and fiber, I would become very regular and worry free about pooping. Everything he told me was correct. I have not had a ‘roid in 7 years. Pooping is stress free — I usually only once a day, and as advertised, many days won’t wipe after a check to make sure, [because I] don’t need to. One glass of Metamucil at the same time each day works so well that frequently, I don’t need to wipe. I’d never have believed it either, but that’s how it rolls.
You’ll use paper ‘cause you won’t believe what’s happening even after you see for yourself. It’s human nature to wipe in order to make sure about cleanliness, so you’ll use some paper, think… oh, this could be used as a napkin… this can’t be right. Wipe again. Same result. After a clean poop you will probably leave the bathroom elated, if you’ve experienced your fair share of messy holes. It takes a few days for the system to adjust but once it does, your bathroom torture is over — you’re on the easy poop highway.
Here’s how I think of it: Metamucil organizes my stools. It forms them into one or two impressive pieces that are very well formed and easy poop to pass swiftly. This doesn’t happen overnight as your system has to adjust to all this unexpected fiber.
By the fourth day your system should be producing some of the most beautifully formed turds you can possibly imagine. And on a regular basis, too. For sake of knowing you’re clean, nobody will ever be able to go without using even a single square, but you will go from many rolls of paper a week to one!
Give it a try, you’ve got nothing to lose and a lot to gain if you are a heavy toilet paper user with a ragged hole.
Quinn Myers
Quinn Myers is a staff writer at MEL. He reports on internet culture, technology, health, masculinity and the communities that flourish within.
