When Tom, a 32-year-old chef instructor in Indiana, first laid eyes on the Charmin Forever Roll, he was sure it was a prank. It was April Fools’ Day after all, and who would need such an obscene amount of toilet paper in 2019?
“I closed the window to my computer and went on with my day, but I couldn’t shake the image from my head,” he tells me. The following day he searched for it online again, and there it was — 1,700 two-ply sheets wrapped into a 2-pound, 12-inch roll — staring right back at him once more. “I live alone with a 3.5-year-old pitbull mix, but I thought to myself, You have to get this, even if it’s just for the memes,’” Tom recalls.
With a few clicks, Charmin’s multi-user Forever Roll family pack — specialized wall-mount included — was on its way to him. “If anything, I thought it’d just make for some hilarious reactions when I had guests over,” he says. “But now, time will really tell if this moment changed my life.”
Those three Forever Rolls, which he ordered on April 2, 2019, lasted through January 2020, and everything went according to plan. “Guests would go into my bathroom, and all I’d hear from outside is, ‘HOLY SHIT!’” he laughs. “Or if it was someone who came over a lot, I’d have the giant roll on the first time they came over, then a regular-sized roll on when they came over a few days later to see how they’d react, knowing that I’m the only one living here utilizing it.”
But now, beyond the practical jokes, with an apparent toilet-paper shortage upon us, he’s also never felt smarter. “Some people would argue that it’s a marketing scheme, or that it’s actually not a good deal and say, ‘Why would you buy this just for a stupid joke?’” Tom explains. “Well, guess who’s laughing now? The single guy who didn’t even begin to panic when the fear of ‘Charmageddon’ became a reality.”
Bobby, a 29-year-old in Nebraska, has a similar story. He saw Facebook Ads for the Charmin Forever Roll eight months ago and was immediately intrigued. “I went to the website and saw a smokin’ deal that they had on these things. Two of these honkin’ ass rolls would last a month for a family of four, and you got the holder for $30? Who could say no?”
When Bobby’s “blessed box” showed up, he was blown away. “I was amazed at the size of these absolute units! I had my wife take pictures of me while I posed with them; I had my wife hold them while I took pictures of her with them; and I even took pics of them by themselves,” he giddily tells me.
Moreover, he adds, “I was looking for softness, durability, and of course, the cleaning factor. And I was blown away! These things are like wiping with a fresh microfiber cloth. It’s honestly the most comfortable TP that’s ever gracefully swept across my cheeks. They totally passed the durability test, too!”
Jennifer Brown, 31, bought 12 Charmin Forever Rolls back in February, and similarly hasn’t looked back: “I thought to myself, Wouldn’t it be great to not buy TP for the whole year? Sometimes, I forget to buy toilet paper when I’m out, so I pulled the trigger on 12 Forever Rolls in order to avoid the anxiety about forgetting to buy toilet paper. Plus, if you buy 12 rolls, Charmin takes the price down from $8.99 to $5.99 a roll. So that’s $5.99 for a whole month of TP. It’s a deal that I’ll never regret — especially now.”
She goes as far as to describe opening a new roll as “euphoric.” “It’s a reminder that Past-Jennifer was looking out for Future-Jennifer,” she reasons. “I think of my 12 rolls as an investment in myself.”
“This shit is 200 IQ-level thinking,” Tom adds. “Not only are people impressed by the size of my roll, but financially-speaking, I buy toilet paper essentially once a year. And don’t get me started on the glorious feeling of accomplishment that comes with finishing a roll.”
Like many pioneers before them, though, Tom, Bobby and Brown were originally misunderstood (“Small rolls, small brains is what I say,” Tom jokes). But today, as everyone else scrambles and fights for the last scraps of TP on store shelves, these three Chamin Forever Roll loyalists sit back in lavatory luxury, without a wipe-less worry in the world.
“I got myself a nice backstock of two more full Forever Rolls, with about two-thirds of another,” Tom says. “So yeah, I should be good for a long while.”