Even before the pandemic, we have, for decades, been on a steady path toward peak bodily moisture. Nowadays, with all the sanitizer and soap we’re swimming in, even the most ardent anti-moisture enthusiasts (myself) have been forced to succumb to the forces of Big Lotion (I rubbed a quarter-sized dollop of Nivea into my hands just before typing this article).
All of which is to say, it was only a matter of time before the moisture levels spread to other, not oft-considered bodily surfaces, i.e., the ridged edge of your asshole.
This need for extra asshole moisture may surprise you, but it shouldn’t. As we reported two years ago, Americans in particular are so bad at wiping their asses, doctors have coined a term for it — PAS, or “polished anus syndrome.” This is the result of our uniquely American reluctance to clean our buttholes the way civilized people do, i.e., with bidets, instead scrubbing away with dry toilet paper until they bleed.
Still, at least those folks are trying. Amongst the people whose butthole is burning and potentially even bleeding for one reason or another are arguably the most violent assailants of anus malpractice — the men who don’t clean their ass at all. “The issue of boyfriends with dirty butts peaked in 2017 when @KeithCalder posted this now-deleted tweet, which detailed a man who felt his masculinity threatened if his fingers came anywhere near his butt,” writes my colleague Quinn Myers.
Though this is hopefully an extreme example, it does help further explain why the butthole has reached such Sahara-level crusts of dryness: For one reason or another, men are just not treating their bungholes right.
Before getting into the how of moisturizing an asshole, we should first discuss whether your butthole actually needs that extra moisture to begin with. Certainly, poor hygiene is sure to irritate your butthole’s skin, as my other colleague Brian VanHooker has reported, in particular if you’ve recently had diarrhea. At the other end of the spectrum, VanHooker writes that for those a bit obsessed with a squeaky clean butthole, PAS can also lead to an itchy, irritated brown eye.
Alas, even the driest asshole in the room doesn’t really require moisturizing lotion. In fact, applying the creamy stuff may cause your anus further issues, since that part of your body is probably already plenty moist. As dermatologist Lisa Chipps explained to another reporter, putting moisturizer where the sun don’t shine, “can create a nice environment for a fungus, like jock itch, to grow.”
But what, then, to do about the frequent issue of an occasionally itchy butthole that plagues even the most competent wiper? Rather than rub a bunch of your girlfriend’s expensive facial moisturizer where the dryness beckons, it’s recommended that you opt for “over-the-counter creams, ointments or gels with hydrocortisone or zinc oxide, made to soothe anal itching,” according to MedLinePlus.gov.
Of course, none of that has stopped a certain sect of dry butthole enthusiasts from lubing up their sphincter with coconut oil, cocoa butter or vitamin E oil. Their claim, as per one redditor: “Your sphincter will not only retain its supple baby-softness, you will see a significant increase in speedy one-wipe log drops.”
Now this, truly, is peak, peak moisture.