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Body Issues, the GOMAD Dudes Who Quit Drinking Water and the Reason All Men Should Run — Not Walk — to the Urologist

If you’re reading this, that means you’ve decided to catch up on MEL on one of our very best days. What I’m trying to say is, as MEL’s resident meta-man, I approve of everything you’re about to read below.

Today’s feature from Oliver Lee Bateman about the devastating effect his bully of a father had on his body image is heartbreaking. Miles Klee’s deep dive into the subculture making Fiji Water memes long before Fiji Water Girl will make you feel Extremely Online. And the reasons gym bros have decided to chug nothing but milk will have you looking like this:

Just start reading, okay?

Must Read

“No Matter How Hard I Tried, I Could Never Get Big Enough to Protect Myself From My Father”
Oliver Lee Bateman and his brothers were never small — Oliver tipped the scales at a muscular 200 pounds by age 11, and the other Bateman boys were no different. But none of the Batemans were swole enough, strong enough or tough enough to get the upper hand on a dad who used to bite them and hit them with bricks. And it fucked up how they saw themselves, inside and out. In Bateman’s own words, “I was this pathetic shred of a man who couldn’t hold his father’s jock on my best day and the old man’s worst.” READ MORE

Fiji Water’s Meme Status Goes Way Back

It’d be easy to think that the Fiji Water Girl’s Golden-Globes photobombing represents the brand’s first foray into memedom. But if you thought that, you’d be wrong — dead wrong.

Thin as a Rail

These days, when you talk about weight issues, you’re most likely talking about being overweight or even obese, because the only thing Americans love more than being lazy is eating. But there are those among us who suffer from the opposite — the curse of never being able to put on any weight at all, no matter what they do (or devour).

Originality Isn’t Dead

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: Hollywood doesn’t make anything “new” that isn’t an adaptation, sequel or remake. Tim Grierson is here to tell you that isn’t true — in fact, there’s a ton of movies that aren’t based on anything coming out in 2019, and these are the best:

  • Us
  • The Beach Bum
  • High Life
  • Ad Astra
  • Midsommar
  • Knives Out
  • Queen & Slim
  • The Lighthouse
  • Uncut Gems
  • Wendy

Get the low-down on what these original gems are all about, and why you should run to go see them, here.

Das Racist

We tell our kids that there’s nothing more important than family, but what’s a basic dad to do when the family is full of racists? We asked a chief diversity officer, a former racist turned university professor and others for advice, and here’s what they told us.

The Art of the Deal

Want to win a negotiation? Don’t play endless mind games like some chump. Instead, take your opponents out for a Chinese dinner — research shows a family-style meal will have them signing on the dotted line in no time. And that’s just one of our offbeat negotiating tips.

Well, That’s Dumb

Last month we wrote about the GOMAD diet, the bonkers Gallon Of Milk A Day weight gain popular among bodybuilders hoping to bulk up fast. Unsurprisingly, GOMAD has reached its inevitable conclusion: Gym bros drinking nothing but milk. These are their real-life stories.

He Must Be Compensating for Something

It’s a well-worn cliché that dudes that drive exotic cars like blood-red Ferraris, neon-orange Lambos and the like have small penises. Baby dicks, in fact. But do these cars’ owners care? No, probably not — but not for the reason you’d think.

Take Care of Your Prostate

We regret to inform you that it’s not just cancer, erectile dysfunction or STDs you need to watch out for when it comes to the health of your junk. It’s also “reactive oxygen species,” i.e., molecules that have been known to damage sperm in high concentrations. In fact, scientists have found that too many of these little bastards might be as much to blame for the tragedy of miscarriages as anything our partners might be suffering from.