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Which Belt Hole Should I Be Using?

And does that change if I have a plump man-ass?

The last thing anyone wants to deal with after gathering the strength to put on real pants during the coronavirus is figuring out which damn belt hole to use. Use the first one, and you have a monster floppy. Use the last one, and you have a stumpy chode

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

If you frequently have trouble finding the right belt hole, you may have the wrong sized belt. “The general rule for belt size using a traditional heel bar buckle with a tongue that fits into a hole is to determine the pant size in inches, and add three inches,” explains Ed Quillman of Mybeltmaker.com. He says belts with trophy-style belt buckles, meanwhile, should be the same size as your pants.

Once you get your belt size right, personal stylist Rayne Parvis says, “Use the middle hole.” That way, you can neatly tuck the reasonable excess into the next belt loop to avoid having a monster floppy or stumpy chode. Therefore, the middle belt hole (or third hole, since most belts have five holes) is the ideal belt hole to use.

That said, belts have multiple holes for a reason: If you wear high-waisted pants, you may need to tighten your belt, and thus, switch holes. If you sag your pants, you may need to loosen your belt, and thus, switch holes. You may gain or lose weight, both of which could prompt a switching of holes. You may squat your way to an epic ass, which could induce an epic hole switching.

Hell, you may even decide to create a new hole if you really like a belt that no longer fits correctly. “I use a belt hole puncher,” Parvis says. “But if you’re not into DIY, take it to a cobbler, especially if you have a quality designer belt.” If you do it yourself, you may end up with some extra slack, but just do your best to tuck that floppiness into your belt loops.

And if you want to avoid this hole nonsense altogether, you can always opt for a no-hole belt. “I personally love no-hole belts, like Ansons, because you can get a better custom fit,” Parvis says. “Most belts have about one inch in between holes, whereas a no-hole belt has one-quarter of an inch. A belt with no holes also looks cleaner. In my opinion, the less a man needs to worry about which hole to put his prong in, the better.”

Seriously, though, if I have to screw around with these holes any longer, I’m cancelling pants.

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