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A Heartfelt Public Apology to My House Pants for Not Knowing How to Launder You Properly Until Today

I’m so, so sorry for the hurt I’ve caused you, and I hope my love for you outweighs my ignorance

Call an ambulance if you catch me wearing anything other than House Pants at home, because that means something has gone terribly wrong. My House Pants — a pair of hand-cropped gray joggers — have become a vital part of my being, and I wear them, without fail, from the moment I get home to the moment I leave.

What can I say? I need the comfort provided by my trusty House Pants. They are me, and I am them. We are one, in perfect, stretchy, warm, gray cotton harmony.

But there’s one problem: Because I wear my one pair of House Pants so often, they can go days (okay, weeks) without being washed. And since I spend much of my time at home smoking weed, playing with my dog and tossing food into my mouth, my poor House Pants quickly gather a collection of ash, pet hair and condiments in between washes. And that’s just the outside of them.

Considering the immense joy and comfort my House Pants give me, I feel like they deserve better, so I asked laundry expert Mary Marlowe Leverette for advice. “If you’re referring to flannel sleep pants [I’m not, but maybe you are, reader], they should be washed in warm water with similar colors, then tumbled dry on medium-high heat,” Leverette explains. “One thing you should avoid is washing them with towels or other fabrics that shed a great deal of lint — the flannel will pick up the lint and hold on tight, which can cause pilling.”

But my House Pants are sweatpants! So how should I wash them? “Sweatpants would be washed exactly the same way,” Leverette says. “If you only wear House Pants for a couple hours each day, they can be washed once a week, unless they become stained with food or you perspire heavily.”

Sooo… say, not so hypothetically, that all of these things are true, but you also wear them every single moment that you spend at home, not just a couple hours a day — should you be washing them more often? “If your House Pants are worn to sleep in, they should be washed after two or three wears — the body excretes oils and perspiration during sleep that should be removed regularly,” Leverette emphasizes.

In other words, I’ve been washing my House Pants approximately 900 percent less often than I should be. House Pants, if you’re reading this — and I know, as my most trusted confidante and loyal supporter, you are — I sincerely apologize for skimping on washing you, and I promise to launder you every… three… days…

You know what? That already really sounds like a lot. How d’you feel about Febreze?