“Some men have hair transplants or belly tucks,” 38-year-old mechanic William O’Connor told The Guardian last year about his decision to surgically increase his penis’ girth by two inches. “I wanted a truncheon in my pants. My whole life I’ve enjoyed impressing women; this was just an extension of that. You could call it a gentlemanly thing to do.”
It might very well be a gentlemanly, if unnecessary, thing to do, but is there a gentlemanly way to let a woman know you’ve got a truncheon in your pants? And in a world where dicks are nearly always measured, discussed, mocked and boasted about in numbers describing length, not width, what if your particular truncheon is hefty across, and not down, as it were? That would mean the girth of your dick exceeds the average, which is 4.8 inches around when erect, or like a tube of toothpaste.
For those unawares, a truncheon is a police baton or nightstick. Or perhaps you know it as a billy club — here’s one measuring 5 and 3/8 inches in girth at its widest point. Though using the term truncheon will certainly get it done if you’re conveying you’ve got a big girth-y snake to contend with; it technically doesn’t mean it’s wider than it is long, because it mostly sounds like you’re saying it’s both. (And hats off to you, sir, in that case.)
The average penis is six inches long and five inches around. The widespread increase in girth-enhancements implies men aren’t happy with this, even though they should be. (Another man told The Guardian he wanted his penis to “be like a milk bottle”). Mostly, the men “want something eye-opening down there,” the kind of man a woman might describe as having a penis “like a baseball bat.” Which, yikes. A baseball bat’s circumference is over 8 inches, and again, an average penis circumference is 4.8 inches.
So in this case, it’s arguably important to make the distinction as accurately as possible. Especially given that some women actually care more about girth.
Consider, for instance, that plenty of female porn stars who have worked with many a dick type prefer girth over length (for vaginal sex, not anal, mind you). In an interview with some of them, they described it this way:
- “I like a chode. Like a little soup can.”
- “Thick. I like thick cocks.”
- “You just gotta be able to put your hand around it and be like, yeah.”
A chode, or choad, technically, is a penis that’s wider than it is long. It’s considered anatomically rare, so the term is more often used as simply a dick whose pleasure comes from its “rotund” width more than its length. But in slang usage, calling someone a chode or choad is a clear insult, making it not the best go-to for a man attempting a boast about his own pleasuring perks.
To be clear, a lot of what women prefer when it comes to dicks has to do with their anatomy as well — women with a shorter vaginal canal don’t need a lot of length to get the job done, and in general, some women just like feeling stretched, not cervically pounded.
Next, we can compare all this with how men themselves talk about packing girth. I asked friends and acquaintances online how men conveyed girth in their experience, for better or worse, and they gave me these examples:
- “As a formerly slutty gay, [I’d] say ‘fat.’”
- “To quote the great Jimmy Pop [of the Bloodhound Gang], ‘My dick don’t hit the bottom, but I fuck the sides up.’”
- “I overheard some jerk hitting on a girl at my old work referring to his junk as Tuna Can because it was that big around. … She was pretty grossed out.”
- “I’m thick.”
- “Borat said he was ‘big like can of Pepsi’ if that helps.”
- “‘Cause I’m long and I’m strong and I’m down to get the friction on,’ as written by the great poet laureate Sir Mix-A-Lot. One can surmise that his use of ‘strong’ may have been eluding to girth.”
- “I’ve been told, ‘I’m more bratwurst than hotdog.’ This was said by a guy I barely knew, and I didn’t respond. But it was an interesting visual because I immediately pictured both in my brain. Then I wondered if he was trying to say that he was curved like some bratwurst are too?”
Then there are the references we’ve all heard: The Red Bull. The Pringles can. A large aerosol can. One man took the girth of his penis via surgery from a store-bought pepper shaker to a bottle of Lea & Perrins Worcestershire sauce. Meanwhile, a woman on Twitter told me a guy once did this:
There’s also, I should mention, a gay adult film actor called Girth Brooks (who, sadly, could not be reached for comment), whose name alone is rife for opportunities at hinting around at girth-y proportions.
A few years ago, researchers at UCLA and the University of New Mexico drilled down to what a big girth actually is in lay terms to the average woman. (For the record, even men with big dicks get very confused about what girth measurements are and needlessly obsess over distinctions that are largely irrelevant and whether, in fact, any man truly can be the size of a soda can.) The researchers asked 75 women to select an ideal penis from baskets filled with 33 different plastic 3-D-printed dicks — rigid, not flaccid, which is novel in the research on penis size preference. The only caveat was they were asked to pick two different dicks for two different scenarios: a dick befitting a boyfriend, and a dick only right for tonight.
In order to make extra sure women actually thought this through, they even tested them on their ability to remember a random penis they’d shown them prior to the experiment. They were surprised to find that it was width they remembered with the greatest precision. This isn’t surprising to hetero women I wouldn’t think: What’s the memorable experience of a dick if not how much it fills you up, or how fully it fits in the hand, mouth or other orifice?
That said, women wanted bigger girth dicks for a one-night stand to the tune of 6.4 inches long and 5 inches around. For boyfriends? They chose 6.3 inches long and only 4.8 inches around. Recall, again, that the average penis is 6 inches long, and 5 inches around.
So the boyfriend dick has less girth than the one women want for casual sex. But not by much. And neither is exceptionally different than the average anyway. So would-be boyfriend applicants need not advertise big dicks at all. This is only for men hunting temporary game, where women would be stoked to find out you were smuggling a Jimmy Dean sausage roll.
If you follow my driftwood here, it means that in casual hookup scenarios, talking a little dirty about what’s on the menu may be welcome, if the woman is hoping for girth enhancement in the first place. So all the more reason to do so, provided it doesn’t scare off the prospect and that it’s a mutually consensual discussion. Or you can shout it to the rooftops in online dating profiles and see where it gets you.
Still, we’re hitting up against a certain cervical truth here. Or what you might call the Fight Club rule of big dicks: First rule of having a big dick is not talking about having a big dick. Whether true or not, women tend to perceive men who brag about their big dicks as insecure, or that it’s merely all you’ve got going for you (which, hey, may be true, and may also be fine with you — and her).
But there’s a third type of guy who wouldn’t be bragging, yet doesn’t have the confidence to exude Big Dick Energy: Men who don’t look “hung” or vibe hung, but are hung, and can’t convey it with their general demeanor. Like the skinny small guy who has a surprisingly girth-y member. The more likely that the “big” in your dick refers to girth, and not length, the more this is likely to be your problem. You don’t want to mislead, after all.
Unfortunately, there’s no good answer here. Some men advise to make jokes about how small your dick is to imply you clearly have a big dick. The logic being that you’d never say that unless you obviously were being humble. The risk, though, is that if she actually takes you seriously, as one man put it, “then I’d NEVER get the chance to prove it wrong.”
Which leads us, finally, to the real question: Is it ever appropriate to mention to a woman that you have a wide load?
Unless she asks, you probably shouldn’t broach it, because you shouldn’t need to. You can always stick with the tried-and-true gentleman’s response: “I’ve never had any complaints.”
But if you must unearth the girth, tread the line of charming and suggestive carefully depending on your audience: “Just call me Girth Brooks.” Or: “I’ve got a truncheon in my pants, if by truncheon I mean a can of soda.” Or: “My dick don’t hit the bottom, but I fuck the sides up.”
The fact that she’s asking means she’s interested, so have fun with it.
Just don’t scare her off with your baseball bat.