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The Ugly Truth About the Epstein Conspiracies, The Rise of the Celebrity ‘Nature Breakup’ and Pooping for the Planet

Man, Barstool founder and “Debate Me” guy Dave Portnoy’s anti-union bullshit, as well as weird-sitter Donald Trump Jr.’s retweeting of Portnoy’s bullshit, got us riled up today. But then we settled down considerably when we remembered that time Portnoy filled his diaper to the absolute brim after getting cucked by his girlfriend’s SoulCycle instructor, and everyone laughed at him for it.

Personally, I think Eddie Kim summed up our sentiments about today’s events nicely:

Must Read

“The Truth About Jeffrey Epstein Is Far Uglier Than the Conspiracy Theories Surrounding Him”
When news about the suicide of Jeffrey Epstein broke, memes, conspiracy theories and Twitter punchlines spread like a dry-brush wildfire across the internet. It was as predictable as it was alarming, because unlike other times in the Trump era, the Left and the Right were equally bought in to the theory that Epstein had been whacked. But the rampant speculation about what really happened to Epstein obscures the real truth: That our broken prison system allowed this mess to occur in the first place. READ MORE

Back to Nature

You know what you never see? A celebrity ‘gramming about their break-up from a darkened bedroom, crying over their favorite depression meal. Sadly, celebs are not like the rest of us; for them, image is everything, or at least, more directly tied to their bottom line than it is for you and me. Which is probably why stars have embraced a social media branding maneuver Miles Klee has dubbed the “Nature Breakup”:

After all, celebs, more than anyone, need to frame their personal journey as a sequence of triumphs instead of the usual ups and downs. But who’s really buying this crap?

Trapped in the Closet

Given where we’re at with being LGBTQ+ in 2019, you might assume it’s as easy as it’s ever been to come out. But for closeted Boomer dads who believe they have to fit into “the man box,” maintaining the illusion of straightness for their sons is paramount — even well after their kids become hip to the lie.

A Special Day For Your Special Boi

When you throw a birthday party for your dog, do they know the celebration is for them? That’s a real question we asked a dog psychologist, an animal behaviorist and several seasoned birthday-party-throwing animal lovers, and unsurprisingly, they’re all pretty sure the answer is no. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t party it up, and here’s why.

Europe’s Most Famous Cold Case

On September 18, 1961, U.N. Secretary-General Dag Hammarskjöld’s plane crashed near Ndola, now part of Zambia, killing him and 15 others. In the years since, the “accident” has become an obsession for conspiracy theorists convinced Hammarskjöld was murdered for his commitment to helping African nations find their independence after years of colonial rule. Now, more than 50 years later, documentary filmmaker Mads Brügger is trying to unravel this long-running conspiracy theory with his new doc, Cold Case Hammarskjöld.

Escape Plan

Obviously, you can’t tell someone “Please, for the love of God, shut the fuck up” when you’re locked in uncomfortable conversation with a particularly verbose individual. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t equally effective (yet infinitely more polite) ways to cut things short.

$12,000?!?!

When news broke that the “most searched porn star in the world,” Mia Khalifa, made just $12,000 over the course of her short-lived but incredibly high-profile career, many jaws were dropped. But porn legend Tasha Reign explains, based on her own vast experience in porn-o-nomics, why that number really shouldn’t surprise anyone.

Saving the Planet, One Poop at a Time

Should you hold your poop in to save the planet? Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro thinks you should. Sure, that sounds crazy, and Bolsonaro’s sociopathic tendencies are well-documented, but does that mean we can’t trust his opinions on how often to go plop-plops? Let’s find out.