After a breakup, you want to hide from the world. Sleep 14 hours a day. Eat an entire package of Oreos in a sitting while you binge Season Three of The Sopranos, again. Click through an endless slideshow of adoptable kittens without once mustering the energy to visit the shelter. You donât have to be the dumped party to feel this way after a split â itâs likely both people would rather process the change in private. Later, you can rejoin the rude clamor of society.
But celebrities donât have that option. Image is everything, and the incentive to appear the âwinnerâ in any conscious uncoupling is, of course, quite strong. Still, itâs not like you can gloat. Itâs a fine balance: show the world youâre moving on and thriving, just donât turn it into a victory lap.
These considerations, I believe, are why stars have embraced a social media branding maneuver Iâll call the Nature Breakup. This week, Miley Cyrus gifted us with prime examples. Having called it quits with Aussie actor Liam Hemsworth (after what I guess were an illuminating eight months of marriage), the singer shared photos of herself in the Dolomites, a mountain range of northeastern Italy. âDonât fight evolution,â she warned, as part of an elaborate geological metaphor, adding that âchange is inevitable.â An athleisure outfit completed the vibe.
Compare this profundity with the images of Cyrusâ vacation that didnât make it to her feeds, even as they conveniently spun a tabloid narrative of a possible love affair with Kaitlynn Carter, from MTVâs The Hills: They basically tell the story of a horny boat party. While the rugged mountain shots drew headlines with words like âempoweringâ and âinspiring,â the reality of her post-breakup recreation was closer to the idle luxury we associate with fame and fortune. That dissonance indicates, to me, that celebs are now acutely aware of the internetâs hyper-capitalist, ultimately destructive ârise and grindâ aesthetic, which fetishizes constant work and challenge over anything remotely like rest and reflection. Miley sounds, in her Instagram captions, as if sheâs doing some serious soul-searching, yet the photos say: Iâm untouchable, moving on, conquering wilderness, never in doubt. They sell her as a guru of eternal ascendance.
And sheâs hardly alone in this strategy. Days before the news of their separation broke, Hemsworth shared his own nature pic â a sparkling beach â with the caption âRise and shine.â
Likewise, Brody Jenner, son of Caitlyn Jenner, and until recently, Kaitlynn Carterâs husband, offered an Instagram shot of himself on a cliff in Malibu, along with motivational poster wisdom: âDonât let yesterday take up too much of today,â he advised, to a slew of supportive comments.    Â
Honestly, I understand why youâd seek to turn your heartache into a glow-up. And itâs clear that a celeb, more than anyone, needs to frame their personal journey as a sequence of triumphs instead of the usual ups and downs. But whoâs really buying this? Hemsworth can keep his tone upbeat all he likes, but that wonât stop TMZ from reporting that he looked âsadâ while grocery shopping.
Speaking for myself, I can only describe him as âChris Hemsworthâs brother,â so itâs not as if he has to maintain some particularly heightened status. Whereas, had he posted a photo of himself crying in a bathtub full of Flaminâ Hot Cheetos with the caption âmy wife left me,â heâd be an overnight viral sensation â plus, way more relatable. I refuse to accept a world where any halfway recognizable public figure has to perform the optimistic take on romantic disillusionment (and never acknowledge hurt), always through the saturating filter of an app. In terms of emotional transparency, a Nature Breakup is about as authentic as a Notes Apology.
Whatâs worse is that these influential figures have set one more unrealistic standard for the normies who revere them. Sure, who wouldnât want to gallivant around the globe in the aftermath of a wrecked union, going full Eat, Pray, Love to figure out what truly matters? Problem is, most of us in the same boat are scrounging for $400 to file the divorce paperwork.
Iâm wasting my breath complaining that celebs pander to fans with utterly phony sentiment â again, lol at Miley finding the parallels between her quickie marriage and millions of years of continental drift â though in 2019, with civilization on fire, itâs wild how many remain allergic to saying theyâre depressed, scared, lonely or uncertain. Câmon, gang, weâre in deep shit together; you donât have to hide behind big rocks and dazzling blue waves when life doesnât go as planned. Nobodyâs here for this âhigh roadâ approach. Cut loose and give Mother Nature a break.
Or add her to the PR team payroll. Whichever.