Forget education, quality of life, lifespan or equality — what really matters is which country produces the biggest dicks.
At least, that’s what these rankings that seemingly come out every few months would have you believe. With frightening regularity, tabloids publish studies on which country’s average dick size reigns supreme, usually placing the U.S. in an unimpressive spot. This week, the male-centric online pharmacy From Mars published data they’d aggregated from Google in which America came in 59th place. Not great. It’s a bigger win, of course, for the countries that finished in the top five: Ecuador, Cameroon, Bolivia, Sudan and Haiti, which ranged from 6.9 inches to 6.3 inches on average.
What do all of these countries have in common? Collectively, not a ton — but they’re all relatively hot. Rarely do any of them see days below 70 degrees Fahrenheit. Is it possible, then, that they’re experiencing year-round summer penis?
As former MEL writer Tracy Moore wrote when she coined the term three years ago, summer penis refers to the phenomenon in which your dick is bigger during the summer. It all has to do with the warm weather — as a urologist told her, heat causes the veins in a penis to expand, accommodating more blood. All this lends to a slightly wider, slightly longer dick, though it’s unclear how noticeable of a change this is.
It stands to reason, then, that people who live in warmer climates get to enjoy these benefits year round. And they probably do! But for better or worse, the data doesn’t suggest that’s the only reason why these five countries have bigger schlongs. At the very bottom of the rankings were Taiwan and Cambodia, with average penises of 4.2 inches and 3.9 inches respectively. While Taiwan experiences a couple dips in temperature throughout the year, both countries generally stay well above 70 degrees. Similarly, other studies have placed Hungary and Czech Republic in the Top 10 Big-Dick Countries, and those aren’t exactly known as tropical paradises.
All of which is to say, maybe the warm weather puts Ecuador, Cameroon, Bolivia, Sudan and Haiti at a slight penile-length advantage, but it definitely isn’t the sole defining factor for their success in this metric. As for what is that defining factor, we just don’t know. Undoubtedly, if their secrets are ever revealed, we’ll be hearing about it just as often as we do these dick rankings.