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Heavy Breathing, Why You Shouldn’t Puff-Puff-Pass on Weed After Dinner and Beating Off at Home for the Holidays

The best of MEL from the Week That Was

Just a few more days until we can all un-cinch our belts and engorge ourselves on the greatest of American holidays, Thanksgiving. I’m making cornbread-andouille stuffing, Brussels sprouts and mashed cauliflower — hmu if you want the recipes.

But before we get there, let’s engorge ourselves on the best content from last week:

For tears: Don’t cry for the failing Victoria’s Secret brand, guy who probably used to intercept his mom’s mail-order catalog. There are reasons why this is a very good thing — particularly for you. Do cry, however, for these formerly-deaf folks who, thanks to technology, are hearing things for the first time.

For lols: You’ll laugh at the “Slav squat” meme, but the history of where it originates is what will make you stop and think.

For help: Become a better flake. Learn how to deal with a partner who has completely different eating habits than you do. Pick a less cliché put-down than “asshole.”  Compare your endurance against the average number of thrusts during the average bout of sex.

Or don’t read any of that, and pick your favorite from the rest of the Week That Was…

Must Reads

“The ASMR Guys Who Get Off on Customer Service Calls”
By now you’ve likely heard of ASMR — that feeling of deep relaxation or tingling people get from listening to specific sounds — which, thanks YouTube, has exploded in popularity. And some of the people who love it, really love it. Like, spending two hours calling hotels just to get off listening to the sounds on the other end of the customer-service line, love it. It only gets weirder from there. READ MORE

“‘Trashfire Daddy’ and Other Names You’ve Been Given in Your Exes’ Phones”
Did you ever ghost, send “u up?” texts at 3 a.m. or otherwise act like a jerk to an ex? If so, odds are your previous designation of “baby ?” “lovah,” or just, like, your actual name, has been replaced in their phones with monikers far less pleasant. Editor and serial dater Alana Hope Levinson details her and her social groups’ experiences with renaming their exes in their phones, and the reason why they’re doing it, imho, might be the best way to put the kibosh on a shitty relationship. READ MORE

“An Oral History of ‘Taxicab Confessions’”
HBO’s Taxicab Confessions, quite possibly the first reality program in the history of TV and every 1990s kid’s first guilty pleasure, wasn’t originally supposed to be people spilling their darkest secrets — and/or fucking — in the back of an NYC cab. It wasn’t even going to have cabs in it. But thanks to some skeptical HBO execs and Travis Bickle, Taxicab Confessions is what we got. Features writer C. Brian Smith spoke to Harry and Joe Gantz, the show’s executive producers, and Sheila Nevins, former president of HBO Documentary Films, about the creation of the iconic series and its legacy in a TV landscape awash in reality programming. READ MORE

“Scenes from the Parking Lot of Dennis Hof’s Casino Memorial”
Zaron Burnett traveled to Carson City, Nevada, to attend the memorial for America’s first mack-daddy politician, Dennis Hof — owner and operator of The Moonlite Bunny Ranch, and until his death last month, candidate for the Nevada Assembly’s 36th District. There were pimps, there were prostitutes, there were politicians. There were kind words for the deceased, and anger toward the media. What there was not, however, was any discussion about the many accusations of sexual assault against Hof. READ MORE

Five Things We Learned This Week

  1. Fernet is a wonderful digestif for after-dinner stomach settling, but weed might be better. That’s because weed has terpenes and cannabinoids in it, two wonder ingredients that aid in everything from leaky gut to irritable bowel syndrome.
  2. Donating to a GoFundMe can be a leap of faith, but there are things you can do to separate the honest campaigns from the bullshit ones. And it’s as easy as reverse-searching images on Google, among other simple ways to do your due diligence.
  3. If you’re not paying attention to what Korean filmmaker Park Chan-Wook is doing, you’re missing out. Park, known for his violent thrillers, was recently tapped to take on AMC’s adaptation of John Le Carré’s spy novel, The Little Drummer Girl. At first glance, it might seem like an odd pick to helm the miniseries. But Park’s body of work reveals some reasons why he’s an inspired choice.
  4. The era of specialized, professional and sex-as-fantasy porn is dying. That’s because, in an era where anyone can shoot, record and transmit their own nudes or videos, more and more people are searching for porn that reflects their actual sex lives.
  5. If anyone on Twitter is ever dropping into your mentions with “debate me, bro,” don’t accept — it’s a lose-lose proposition. Honestly, you really think the offer is for a serious exchange of ideas? You think they haven’t already decided they’ve won? As Miles Klee argues, “‘debate me’ isn’t the prelude to a debate — it is the debate.”

Quotes of the Week

Why wouldn’t you beat off in your childhood home next week? Think about it: All the first-time nostalgia, the familiar comfort of your bed and surroundings, the risk of getting caught. C. Brian Smith talked to a bunch of different guys about their home-for-the-holidays masturbation routine, and why it just feels right.

Sometimes you gotta say “What the fuck?” and make your move. And these three guys, who each left their jobs in a blaze of glory, did exactly that. After you read this, however, we take no responsibility if you are so amped up, you walk into your boss’ office on Monday and take a shit on his desk. Please don’t sue us. Speaking of shits…

Taking a satisfying shit is one of life’s greatest pleasures. So you can only imagine what it’s like to feel the rush from your morning drag on your preferred vaping device while taking that satisfying shit. Quinn Myers spoke to vapers about the “voop,” or vape poop, and what it is about inhaling vapor that makes dropping a heater so euphoric.

Guys don’t get nekkid like they used to. Spend enough time in a men’s locker room and you’ll notice few men under the age of 50 are strutting around with their dongs out. It might be easy to pass off this phenomenon as dick insecurity, or fear of the dreaded “male gaze.” But the reasons younger generations don’t do public nudity arent nearly as cut-and-dry as they seem.

The Weekend Binge

Who says that only Frank Sinatra and George Clooney can put together a good heist? Certainly not Steve McQueen and Viola Davis, the director and star of this week’s Widows. The same goes for all the other women who donned ski masks and attempted to knock off a bank/armored car/etc. in this episode of The Weekend Binge.