Article Thumbnail

‘Asshole’ Is Officially Passé: Let’s Bring Back These Old-Timey Insults Instead

‘May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits’

In recent decades, humans have largely resorted to four-letter words to slander one another, which is too bad when you consider the much more thoughtful insults of yesteryear — at least that seems to be the opinion of the many redditors who’ve commented on this thread asking which old-timey insults deserve a comeback.

Because it’s Monday, and we can all use another stinger in our quivers, here are some of our favorite ancient put-downs from the thread (sic, obviously, throughout):

  1. I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
  2. You’re not the dumbest guy in the room, but you’d better hope he doesn’t die.”
  3. You may be slow as hell, but at least everything you do is wrong.”
  4. I’d be surprised if you can count to 20 with your shoes on.”
  5. I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap out a more intelligent answer.”
  6. How’s your wife and my kids?”
  7. If your brain was gunpowder, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose.”
  8. You’re not pretty enough to be that stupid.”
  9. It’s not much, but you deserve it.”
  10. Sit your $5 ass down before I make change.”
  11. If I had a dog as ugly as you, I’d shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.”
  12. I’d challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you’re unarmed.”
  13. Oxygen thief.”
  14. You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”
  15. You look like 10 pounds of shit in a five-pound sack.”
  16. Go play in traffic.”
  17. Go take a long walk off a short pier.”
  18. I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire.”
  19. You fight like a dairy farmer.”
  20. I didn’t know you could stack shit that high.”
  21. Is your family tree a circle?”
  22. You’re ugly, and your mother dresses you funny.”
  23. I don’t have the time or crayons to explain it to you.”
  24. Does your ass get jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?”
  25. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.”
  26. You’ll never be the man your mother is!”
  27. Jabroni!”
  28. I bite my thumb at you!”
  29. You nincompoop.”
  30. You sir are not gentleman.”

Fuck you just doesn’t have the same ring anymore, does it?