I’m thinking of faking my own death soon. I might get away with it, too, so long as nobody actually reads this introduction or checks my recent Amazon searches for books on how to disappear. Because according to P.I.s hired by life insurance companies to investigate mysterious, possibly fake deaths, the key to getting away with it is to leave no digital trace. That means abandoning your credit cards and phone, not repeatedly Googling your name and definitely not using Match.com. It also means somehow dodging these guys, who are on your tail from the moment you “die” and just waiting for you to slip up.
Christ Almighty
As the world has become increasingly digital, even pastors have turned away from chapels and megachurches in favor of virtual-reality chatrooms, where they can preach the word of God to the most “unreceptive corners of the world.”
Lewis & Clark’s Mercury Miracle
On Lewis and Clark’s journey westward, meat was one of the only reliable sources of food, which they needed to dry into jerky to keep things safe and edible. They were then, in a word, constipated — completely, totally and overwhelmingly constipated. Luckily, they brought along with them plenty of strong laxatives in the form of large mercury pills. If anything, the fact that they didn’t die from mercury poisoning is almost as impressive as their expedition itself.
Pants-On Pleasure
Keeping your pants on during sex is usually a matter of practicality. It combines gotta-have-it-now impatience with could-be-caught-any-second riskiness. Nothin’ strange about that. But there are a few men who almost prefer to keep their pants on — and not just because they’re shy. Quinn Myers spoke to these proud pants-on sex havers, one of whom even likes it when the zipper of his fly is tight around his junk. You do you, brother.
‘Natural Born Killers’ at 25
Oliver Stone’s Natural Born Killers was released 25 years ago today amid much hype, controversy and shock. And while it seemed bold and provocative at the time (if frustrating), today the film feels especially shallow. It was supposed to be an examination of our fascination with violence and the tabloid treatment of serial killers, but in light of the very real violence and tragedy the country now deals with on a near-daily basis, Tim Grierson thinks the movie couldn’t have gotten things more wrong.
Waiting for Kissinger to Die
Whenever some evil rich guy dies, the internet only celebrates for a moment before saying, “Hey, it’s great that this bad person is dead, but you know who should croak next? Henry Kissinger.” Because somehow, that war criminal is still kicking at 96 years old. It’s okay, Henry, go toward the light.
Blame Your Neurons
You don’t give up on everything you try because you’re an unmotivated piece of shit. You give up on everything you try because your neurons tell you to. They’re called nociceptin neurons, and now we’re giving up on them, too (which again, they made us do).
Classic French Cooking
It shouldn’t come as a surprise that McDonald’s french fries aren’t good for you. However, you’re forgiven if it’s news to you that out of the “five” listed ingredients, salt comes last.
Surely, salt should come in third, right? Nope. Somehow, there’s more sugar in McDonald’s french fries than salt. Ian Lecklitner explains why.
Peaches, Clowns and Black Holes
Somehow, the world continues to find new ways to sexualize emojis. Case in point: Last week, we were introduced to a new emoji for bottoming:
This is the new emoji for bottoming ?♂️
— Courtney Act (@courtneyact) August 21, 2019
But why stop there? Joe Longo assessed all the possible ways to communicate anal sex through little pictures. IMHO, the black hole is best.
Magdalene Taylor
Magdalene Taylor is a staff writer at MEL. She covers internet culture, sex and the online adult industry. She lives in Brooklyn but is from God's Country, Western Massachusetts.
