4-23-19

Your Fandom Sucks (Deal with It), The Problem with Guys Named ‘Bret’ and the Jedi Who Fucks

I don’t think we’ll ever get to the bottom of whether Luke Skywalker boned down, and whom he might have boned down with, regardless of what Mark Hamill might say. Canonically speaking, there aren’t a lot of potential mates to choose from. Luke clearly preferred the soft touch of a woman, given his attraction to his sister, Leia, and the lack thereof for his hunk of a best bud, Han. So him, Obi Wan and Lando are out. And Leia, well, she’s his sister — so she’s out, too. I don’t mean to assume Chewbacca’s gender, but I think we can assume Chewy’s into wookies. C-3PO might be fluent in over 6 million forms of communication, but the “language of love” likely isn’t one of them. R2D2 is a trash can. Honestly, your head could spin trying to figure this stuff out.

Personally, I think if Luke did smash, he probably smashed with some nice, local moisture-farm girl on Tatooine who likely assumed that with Uncle Owen’s new droids working out, Luke was to transfer his application to the Academy before the harvest, and wanted to get a piece before he left.

But that’s just my opinion.

Must Read

“In Defense of Hating Popular Things”
People who watch and love Popular Things™️ — this is your month. In the span of four weeks, Game of Thrones, Avengers: Endgame and the trailer for Star Wars Episode IX have all premiered or will premiere shortly. But as Newton’s third(ish) law tells us, for every pissy internet action, there is an equal and opposite pissy internet reaction. It shouldn’t be surprising, then, that a different group of people have taken to the internet to let everyone else know just how little they care about those very popular things, often at the expense of those who do. So why do they feel the urge to shit on all that is holy in pop culture? Because it’s fun. READ MORE

Fuckin’ Bret

In honor of idiot author Bret Easton Ellis’ well-deserved shellacking at the hands of Isaac Chotiner in a recent New Yorker interview for, well, being an idiot, Miles Klee expounds on the phenomenon of dudes named “Bret” being born shitheads.

Brett Favre, Brett Ratner, Bret Baier, Bret Michaels, Bret Stephens — you’re all on notice.

There’s No Such Thing as ‘Cheap’ College

Just ask Tracy Moore. In the wave of (mostly) conservative backlash toward Elizabeth Warren’s bold plan to eliminate almost all student debt — and make college free while she’s at it — Moore is reminded of her own mountain of debt. Debt, that she still carries from loans she took out to attend the cheapest school in her state 20 years ago. Loans that she took out to cover the gaps in her expenses AFTER working over 35 hours a week on top of school. And her story isn’t unique.

Working Both Sides

The adult-industry pay scale is skewed greatly in favor of female performers, which all but makes it a unicorn considering how pay disparity between the sexes usually work. This discrepancy has manifested itself in many male actors — be they straight, bi or gay — crossing over between gay, straight and trans porn depending on where the best-paying job is at any given moment. But crossing over has its downsides, too, and many consider crossover porn stars bad for business — largely because of one dangerous myth.

Basic Bitch Advice: Bong Rips for Fido

What kind of person doesn’t like the occasional joint when the mood strikes them? Unfortunately, if you’re also a pet owner, you might find yourself with a rare pupper desperate to get all up in your mix (as they’re wont to do). But is that even bad? Can a pet get high and/or sick from second-hand weed smoke? We went to a dog behaviorist, a veterinarian association and a guy who frequently smokes weed around his dog for answers.

Early to Rise

There’s no better time than the morning to get shit done: Your fresh, there’s less traffic and you usually can beat the crowd to whatever you need to go. Unfortunately, getting up to do any of that is a struggle. That said, many people are seasoned pros at getting up at ungodly hours; and who better to mine for secrets to waking up early than them…

This Jedi Fucks 👇

Did Skywalker die a virgin? Mark Hamill says no:

So let’s say that’s true — who did he lose his virginity to? We have some theories.