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A Line-by-Line Analysis of ‘Welcome to the Cum Zone,’ a Horny Techno-Metal Masterpiece

‘Accidentally fucked my own ass’ is the most moving lyric I’ve ever heard

If you thought “WAP” was salacious, YouTube’s “Welcome to the Cum Zone,” a sort of techno Rammstein-sounding saturnalia of splooge, is unquestionably worthy of private browsing and noise-canceling headphones.

The load-loaded lyrics, poetically spoken atop the instrumental “Flamingo” by electronica duo Infected Mushroom (who ignored my request for comment), are the reason my neighbors no longer look me in the eyes. And with each repeated listen, my emotional tenacity grows stronger.

But I can’t explain why. I’ve been searching high and low for the significance of “Welcome to the Cum Zone.” What does it mean? Where did it come from? Why does it make me feel so special, and yet, confused?

OblivionFall, the mysterious YouTuber who uploaded the anthem, was unfortunately uncontactable, secluded in the depths of the internet. “It’s just too fucked up,” one source told me, refusing to speak any further. Maybe — just maybe — it’s a celebration of hypersexualized lyrics “marketed toward weird internet guys,” says Matt Saincome, co-founder and CEO of satirical punk website The Hard Times. Or perhaps, as one of my underground musical comrades explained, “It’s not even music, but just an auditory meme. The best songs have a memeable element, like a sick riff or Dio screaming.”

Without much else to go on, I decided to analyze the lyrics myself. Here they are, in all their glory (and questionability), accompanied by my impassioned examination.

Welcome to the cum zone

So glad to be here.

Only cum in anime girls

Or any consenting adult, really.

Quivering clit

One of the best ways to achieve a quivering clit is to do less mashing and more gentle massaging — or simply inquiring about what said clit enjoys.

Double-jointed pussy

There’s actually no such thing as being double-jointed, and especially not a double-jointed pussy. We often confuse double-jointedness for hypermobility, or joints that are able to bend beyond the normal range.

Fresh balls

They’re important to maintain whenever possible.

Elegant ejaculation

For more tips on accomplishing an elegant — and quite large — ejaculation, click here.

First the kiss… Then the cum

While not always true, it’s generally believed to be good manners to at least give someone a small kiss before cumming. However, you may want to skip straight to cumming while the coronavirus is afoot.

My dick is in love with pain

Have you considered a chastity cage?

Co-op cock torture

You can totally pay someone for that.

Stuff my dick into a furnace 

A furnace can burn at up to 170 degrees Fahrenheit, which could absolutely turn your cock into a more than slightly well-done kielbasa. Not recommended.

Stitch my cock shut

Then you’d be barred from the Cum Zone.

Pressure-cook my greasy balls

Deep-frying or pan-frying are more traditional ways to cook balls.

Cumblast me

Edging is a great way to increase the oomph behind your blast, so gimme a second, okay?

And make it snappy

Don’t I get a kiss first?

Cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum

Cum again?

What’s all the cummotion?

Oh, nothing. Just listening to “Welcome to the Cum Zone.”

My dad fell into a cum shaft

Baby wipes make a great cum-cleanup tool.

My dad glazed my face with cum

This is illegal in all states except Rhode Island and New Jersey, where incest between consenting adults is not a criminal offense.

Fertilize a baby with hunk spunk

Impossible and perverse.

Cum spunk in my trunk

The “trunk” of a human is generally defined as the torso area, so your best bet here is probably the belly button.

Cum craving toddler

I don’t like this song anymore.

Cum drippin’ cunt

If you want to avoid this, a condom helps.

Cummy Rae Jepsen

Is that the “Call Me Maybe” singer?

Cum me maybe

It is!

Cummy bottom boy

If you want a cummy bottom, this workout is a good start.

Night of the living cum

The movie we never knew we needed.

Nefarious cum mastermind

Who told you my college nickname?

Cum makes me fearless

There’s some research that suggests cum can act as an antidepressant, so that actually makes sense.

Cum crammer

Yes?

Cock slammer

There’s a train of thought that says slamming your cock is a good way to get rid of an unwanted boner.

Cum slammed ya mum

How dare you.

Mail your mums pieces of my dick

Did you send it priority, or what?

Bazinga!

Like from the Big Bang Theory?

Chug the cum

While semen is for the most part safe to ingest, you’d have to chug gallons to see any real dietary health benefits. Just an FYI.

Fug ya mum

Last time that happened, I had to be born.

Fuck my asshole full of cum

The anus is only approximately two to three inches long, so it wouldn’t be that hard to fuck it full of cum if you save up for a while.

Three little words… Get. Fucked. Nerd.

Okay.

Cum stuffer

I thought I was a cum crammer?

Jenkem huffer

Jenkem, a drug believed to be derived from the fumes of raw sewage or human feces, is thought to be more of a myth than reality.

Fuck my cum puddle

How deep is it?

Bottom stuffer

Just make sure to use lube.

Semen huffer

Smells like Elmer’s.

Would love a gator to fuck me

Alligators have permanently erect, hook-like penises. You sure?

Undercooked baby pig penises

Sounds chewy.

Help my dog get a huge boner

Dogs display their red rockets for all sorts of reasons, rarely because of anything sexual.

Water bong full of cat cum

I didn’t try that one during my chaotic hunt for the tastiest bong liquid.

Accidentally fucked my own ass

Not as uncommon (or as accidental) as you might think.

I barely had any dicks inside me

Sorry to hear that, bro.

Who ate all my cum? A mystery

Wasn’t me.

Cum detective hot on the trail

Oh god, oh god, oh god.

Bees make honey

They also go extinct if we keep fucking up the earth.

I make cummy

And that ends our analysis of “Welcome to the Cum Zone.” Wow, what a journey that was.

Next up: “Heir to the Cum Throne” and “Your Cum Won’t Last.”

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