If you thought “WAP” was salacious, YouTube’s “Welcome to the Cum Zone,” a sort of techno Rammstein-sounding saturnalia of splooge, is unquestionably worthy of private browsing and noise-canceling headphones.
The load-loaded lyrics, poetically spoken atop the instrumental “Flamingo” by electronica duo Infected Mushroom (who ignored my request for comment), are the reason my neighbors no longer look me in the eyes. And with each repeated listen, my emotional tenacity grows stronger.
But I can’t explain why. I’ve been searching high and low for the significance of “Welcome to the Cum Zone.” What does it mean? Where did it come from? Why does it make me feel so special, and yet, confused?
OblivionFall, the mysterious YouTuber who uploaded the anthem, was unfortunately uncontactable, secluded in the depths of the internet. “It’s just too fucked up,” one source told me, refusing to speak any further. Maybe — just maybe — it’s a celebration of hypersexualized lyrics “marketed toward weird internet guys,” says Matt Saincome, co-founder and CEO of satirical punk website The Hard Times. Or perhaps, as one of my underground musical comrades explained, “It’s not even music, but just an auditory meme. The best songs have a memeable element, like a sick riff or Dio screaming.”
Without much else to go on, I decided to analyze the lyrics myself. Here they are, in all their glory (and questionability), accompanied by my impassioned examination.
Welcome to the cum zone
So glad to be here.
Only cum in anime girls
Or any consenting adult, really.
One of the best ways to achieve a quivering clit is to do less mashing and more gentle massaging — or simply inquiring about what said clit enjoys.
There’s actually no such thing as being double-jointed, and especially not a double-jointed pussy. We often confuse double-jointedness for hypermobility, or joints that are able to bend beyond the normal range.
They’re important to maintain whenever possible.
For more tips on accomplishing an elegant — and quite large — ejaculation, click here.
First the kiss… Then the cum
While not always true, it’s generally believed to be good manners to at least give someone a small kiss before cumming. However, you may want to skip straight to cumming while the coronavirus is afoot.
My dick is in love with pain
Have you considered a chastity cage?
Co-op cock torture
You can totally pay someone for that.
Stuff my dick into a furnace
A furnace can burn at up to 170 degrees Fahrenheit, which could absolutely turn your cock into a more than slightly well-done kielbasa. Not recommended.
Stitch my cock shut
Then you’d be barred from the Cum Zone.
Pressure-cook my greasy balls
Deep-frying or pan-frying are more traditional ways to cook balls.
Edging is a great way to increase the oomph behind your blast, so gimme a second, okay?
And make it snappy
Don’t I get a kiss first?
Cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum
What’s all the cummotion?
Oh, nothing. Just listening to “Welcome to the Cum Zone.”
My dad fell into a cum shaft
Baby wipes make a great cum-cleanup tool.
My dad glazed my face with cum
This is illegal in all states except Rhode Island and New Jersey, where incest between consenting adults is not a criminal offense.
Fertilize a baby with hunk spunk
Impossible and perverse.
Cum spunk in my trunk
The “trunk” of a human is generally defined as the torso area, so your best bet here is probably the belly button.
Cum craving toddler
I don’t like this song anymore.
Cum drippin’ cunt
If you want to avoid this, a condom helps.
Cummy Rae Jepsen
Is that the “Call Me Maybe” singer?
Cum me maybe
Cummy bottom boy
If you want a cummy bottom, this workout is a good start.
Night of the living cum
The movie we never knew we needed.
Nefarious cum mastermind
Who told you my college nickname?
Cum makes me fearless
There’s some research that suggests cum can act as an antidepressant, so that actually makes sense.
There’s a train of thought that says slamming your cock is a good way to get rid of an unwanted boner.
Cum slammed ya mum
How dare you.
Mail your mums pieces of my dick
Did you send it priority, or what?
Like from the Big Bang Theory?
Chug the cum
While semen is for the most part safe to ingest, you’d have to chug gallons to see any real dietary health benefits. Just an FYI.
Fug ya mum
Last time that happened, I had to be born.
Fuck my asshole full of cum
The anus is only approximately two to three inches long, so it wouldn’t be that hard to fuck it full of cum if you save up for a while.
Three little words… Get. Fucked. Nerd.
I thought I was a cum crammer?
Jenkem, a drug believed to be derived from the fumes of raw sewage or human feces, is thought to be more of a myth than reality.
Fuck my cum puddle
How deep is it?
Just make sure to use lube.
Smells like Elmer’s.
Would love a gator to fuck me
Alligators have permanently erect, hook-like penises. You sure?
Undercooked baby pig penises
Help my dog get a huge boner
Dogs display their red rockets for all sorts of reasons, rarely because of anything sexual.
Water bong full of cat cum
I didn’t try that one during my chaotic hunt for the tastiest bong liquid.
Accidentally fucked my own ass
Not as uncommon (or as accidental) as you might think.
I barely had any dicks inside me
Sorry to hear that, bro.
Who ate all my cum? A mystery
Cum detective hot on the trail
Oh god, oh god, oh god.
Bees make honey
They also go extinct if we keep fucking up the earth.
I make cummy
And that ends our analysis of “Welcome to the Cum Zone.” Wow, what a journey that was.
Next up: “Heir to the Cum Throne” and “Your Cum Won’t Last.”