Did you wake up horny, have groggy morning sex, then realize you have 15 minutes to be out the door for work? Did you hook up with your secret office fling in the supply closet right before a board meeting? Did you cheat on your partner in the bathroom at a dinner party, and now have to go back downstairs to make polite small talk with everyone over soufflé?
If the answer is yes, you’re going to need some help putting yourself together, so first up, here’s advice from clinical sexologist and certified sex coach Sunny Rodgers:
- Use the Bathroom: “The first step I always suggest for after sex is to pee. This ‘clears the pipes’ and can help dispel any bacteria.”
- Clean Your Thang: “After that, I suggest using a clean washcloth, gentle soap and warm water to quickly wash your sticky nether region. This essential hygienic step will do a lot to keep you comfortable for the rest of your day, and it helps protect against infections.”
- Pick Your Undies: “Next, choose breathable underwear. Cotton is the best for allowing genitals to breathe. Being a natural fiber, cotton is also hypoallergenic, highly absorbent and won’t irritate your most sensitive regions, which are prone to heightened sensitivity and moisture after sex.”
- Drink Some Water: “One last thing before you rush out the door — grab a bottle of water. Drinking a minimum of eight ounces of water after a vigorous morning romp can help you hydrate and keep your energy levels up, since sexual stimulation can definitely deplete strength.”
If you have an extra minute or two to spare, Rodgers also recommends grabbing a healthy snack (especially if you’re planning on going at it again after work). “Chia seeds are known to boost energy and rebuild stamina for men,” she says. “Those may come in handy for round two sex later in the day.”
Now, while this addresses the very important questions of hygiene and health, it doesn’t really help you figure out what to do about looking like you just got humped through a hedge backwards. So without further ado, here’s adult film star Natasha Nice:
Since I only have 15 minutes, I take care of the most important things first. I hop in the shower, clean my girly parts and under my arms, as well as wipe off any — ahem — stuff that may be left on or in me. Then I hop out, wrap a towel around me and pick out my outfit while I dry. I go back to the bathroom, put on my lotions and deodorant, quickly brush my teeth and go back to the bedroom to put on my clothes. As for my hair and makeup, I do it as quickly and lightly as possible. I cover my imperfections, put on gloss and blush in the car and usually put my hair up. If there’s any time left I’ll look for earrings. Sometimes I even set five-minute timers if I have more to do to keep me on track.
Minute 1: Say something nice to your partner, such as, “Thank you for the sex, that was amazing.”
Minute 2: Locate your phone.
Minute 3: Check DMs on Snapchat.
Minute 4: Check DMs on Twitter.
Minute 5: Check DMs on IG.
Minute 6: Shower* (focus on genitals).
Minute 7: Shower (focus on genitals).
Minute 8: Shower (focus on genitals).
Minute 9: Shower (focus on genitals).
Minute 10: Shower (focus on genitals).
Minute 11: Dry off.
Minute 12: Dry off.
Minute 13: Brush teeth.
Minute 14: Brush teeth.
Minute 15: Throw on your clothes, and carpe that fucking diem!
Really, though, the best way to figure out the right approach for you and your unique needs is to simply have loads of sex right before important life events — you’ll quickly learn what works for you, and what doesn’t. And if you get fired or destroy your marriage along the way?
*SIDE NOTE: If showering isn’t an option, spend six to 10 minutes baby-wiping the living shit out of yourself.