The Feeling of Having a Dude Cum Inside You, the Rappers of LinkedIn and Everything Else From the Week That Was

Happy Sunday, you guys, and happy first week to our new website! Sure, some of the fixtures might need tightening, and there’s no food in the fridge yet, but dang it if our new house isn’t a lot swankier than the hovel we were in previously. Sayonara, Medium! While you’re perusing the new digs, make sure you check out these great pieces from this last week:

For tears: You will cry… out of your penises and vaginas after reading how these folks describe how it feels when a guy nuts inside you. Seriously, I felt a tingle.

For lols: You’ll laugh when you read about the pledge of solidarity we made with American cheese. And if you can hold back a laugh reading some of these tweets from people who are horny for Venom, you’re a stronger human than I am.

For help: Unsure at what age to leave you kid home alone? We got you covered. And if you’ve been feeling like a failure recently, don’t—because it’s actually really good for you.

But if none of the above is doing anything for you, here’s the best of the rest from The Week That Was…

MUST READS

“He’s a Real Thumbsucker”
Somewhere between 3 and 7 percent of the U.S. adult population still sucks their thumbs. For men unable to shake a habit most people leave behind once they graduate from toddlerdom, the ramifications are both physical—like jaw problems—and societal—like trying to explain why you’re sucking your thumb at work. C. Brian Smith examines the stigma of being an adult thumbsucker, as well as speaks to the men who suck nonetheless and the psychologists who treat them. READ MORE

“Inside the Guts of the World’s Strongest Men”
When you lift big, you gotta eat big. For the world’s strongest men, that means 12,000-plus calories a day, split into meals every hour. You know, something like this:

And that’s just breakfast.

But as explained in Newton’s Third Law, for every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. And the opposite of eating big is shitting big. That’s probably why strongmen often have hemorrhoids, chronic IBS and anal tampons on hand at all times. READ MORE

“How Dril Foretold the Collapse of Man”
Nostradamus was a 16th century French doctor who could reportedly prophesy terrible future events. @dril is an absurdist Twitter account and arguably the platform’s most famous torchbearer for “Weird Twitter” who has prophetic qualities of its own—namely those of the “holy shit, the world as we know it is in the shitter” variety. Case in point:

See what he did there?!? He clearly foretold Ted Cruz’s “like” of a porn tweet on 9/11 in 2017. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, because @dril’s pre-2016 tweets are like a blueprint for the horrors that would soon follow. READ MORE

“Meet the Rappers of LinkedIn”
LinkedIn isn’t exactly the site you think of when you think of music. Quite the opposite, actually, considering it’s a glorified job board mixed haphazardly with social media, and about as buttoned up as it gets. And yet, artists have begun migrating to the site as a response to traditional outlets—Soundcloud, Twitter and Instagram—becoming saturated with every Tom, Dick and Sally who thinks they can rap. Surprisingly, the strategy is working. READ MORE

Five Things We Learned This Week

1. You can ask an airline pilot about your ETA, expected turbulence and what the plane’s cruising speed will be—just don’t ask them what to do with your kid’s diaper after you’ve changed it. We asked one pilot that question kinda like a child might ask their bus driver where to dispose of a lolly wrapper, but instead of usable instructions, all we heard back was “no clue.” Our bad, Mr. Pilot. Luckily, flight attendants have myriad helpful in-flight, kiddie-changing tips, such as bringing a toy to keep your babe from touching literally anything else in an airplane bathroom. Get the rest here.
2. The ongoing “what’s a better burger?” hostilities between Five Guys’ cheeseburger and In-N-Out’s Double Double will likely never see a victor. But in the battle for your arteries, the Double Double is clearly the winner—it has a third less calories than Five Guys’ offering despite having an extra patty. But neither are the healthiest fast-food burger on the map—relatively speaking. Find out which burgers are the best and worst for you, here.
3. We told you about Summer Penis. But now that summer is gone, you’ve got a new dick to contend with: Winter Penis. Winter Penis is no joke—according to the experts, you’re looking at some serious shrinkage as soon as the weather turns. And that’s not the only aspect of Winter Penis that’s gonna leave you feeling out in the cold.
4. October is the horniest month of the year. Well, mainly because of the portmanteau: Cocktober. But this linguistic magic alone doesn’t quite explain the phenomenon.
5. If you’re still in college, and you love Anthony Bourdain (RIP), consider transferring to Nicholls State University in Louisiana. That’s because, at Nicholls, you can take a literature and film-studies course centered around the late chef-and-author’s legacy in multimedia.

Quotes of the Week

You know what’s nice? Taking a long, hot shower. You know what’s nicer? Sitting—or better yet, lying down—while taking a long, hot shower. Maybe you’ve got kids, and you need some relaxing me-time. Maybe you’d simply like relief from the weight, pain and anxiety of life. Whatever the reason, a sit in the shower can feel like a next-level, galaxy-brain method of bathing relaxation—nine out of ten doctors will tell you the same thing.

In weird Instagram trend news, dudes are going all Rocky for the #RawEggChallenge. And, evidently, they have reasons? Being smart doesn’t sound like one of them, though.

Gay dads are forced to contend with all manners of uncomfortable encounters on a day-to-day basis—homophobic grandparents, concerned mothers and insulting questions, like the one above. And that presents them with an additional hurdle: “Incidental activism.” That is, the responsibility of seizing upon teachable moments and educating ignorant passers-by on the realities of a modern American family.

From the Back Catalog

Having trouble taking a wee in front of other people; wondering why some dudes would sooner urinate in the sink than in the toilet; or simply concerned about your piss in general? When it comes to articles about pee, our stream is strong:

Can’t out-piss a pisser.

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Jeff Gross

Jeff Gross is MEL’s senior editor for social media and content marketing. His daily ICYMI column, which chronicles all things meta on the site, is the quickest way to catch up on MEL, and the funniest thing you’ll read all day. Follow him on Twitter.