Like anybody suffering broken-brain syndrome from being too online, I think about @dril a lot. The incomprehensibly funny Twitter account that defined and, let’s be honest, outlasted the rest of what we once called “Weird Twitter” has — through inhuman output, avant-garde insight and sheer longevity — become the platform’s reigning prophet. Just as Donald Trump can do or say almost nothing without being undermined by one of his old tweets, @dril’s pre-2016 archive is like a blueprint of all the horrors due to follow.
He knew in 2014, for example, that Ted Cruz would “like” a porn tweet on 9/11 in 2017.
In 2013, he envisioned the fallout from having one’s dick likened to an animated character. Recently, we learned that the president’s dick looks like Toad from Mario.
There is a widespread campaign of fear being devised and perpetuated against me just because my dick looks like a cartoon character
— wint (@dril) November 4, 2013
In 2012, he foresaw the downfall of far-right pedophile apologist Milo Yiannopoulos.
WHAT ABOut MY FREE SPEECH *a bunch of child porn spills outof mouth* IM AS HUMAN AS THE REST OF U *Dick Flies Out Of Pants And Spins Around*
— wint (@dril) February 13, 2012
It’s telling that @dril — who is almost certainly a dude, though I prefer to allow “him” a little mystery — has long reveled in male humiliation and collapse. It’s as if he knew, when he first began the account, that men were coming due for a reckoning; that an old ideal of masculinity was on the way out. Even his avatar, a smugly smoking Jack Nicholson, has degraded into blurrier versions over the years, gradually effaced by time. The pixelation mirrors the actor’s own arc from silver screen heartthrob to idle slob.
Has anyone else noticed that dril's avatar has been getting very subtly blurrier over the years? pic.twitter.com/07uF2CTmaZ
— Dan Ozzi (@danozzi) May 16, 2016
I was bored and on the internet archive and did you realise that Dril has been getting blurrier and blurrier over time? pic.twitter.com/vqrcAsQ4Dk
— Kalium! ^_^ (@kalium_puceon) February 28, 2018
If @dril foretells the future, then, it is a future of men’s unraveling. You see it everywhere in his work. One thread, analyzed by Sean T. Collins for the Huffington Post, concerns a group of mythical “boys” to which @dril belongs, e.g., “me and the boys.” As an ideological entity, the boys can be unpredictable, Collins notes, though they circle a definite boyishness, whether that’s the rambunctious energy of the “large adult son” or the exclusivity of fraternal orders. Of course, he undercuts whatever elite prestige the boys may claim by bragging about it, like in this inspired bit on a secret Arby’s menu:
(browsing the secret arbys menu that only boys can look at) ah., lets see, ill take one Spicy Onion Concerto with a dollop of SmartCorn™
— wint (@dril) March 26, 2016
This pathetic grasping for proof of male superiority is endemic in today’s social landscape, where guys demand that women debate them with logic while chiding them for embracing “victimhood” in the #MeToo movement. It informs the misogynist backlash to women-centered films and credible allegations of sexual assault. Through it all, the Toxic American Man promises that he will never log off, and never, ever stop posting.
DOCTOR: you cant keep doing this to yourself. being The Last True Good Boy online will destroy you. you must stop posting with honor
ME: No,— wint (@dril) January 7, 2016
This commitment to archaic notions of dudely stoicism is beautifully deconstructed in a section of @dril’s new book, Dril Official “Mr. Ten Years” Anniversary Collection. Devoted solely to “Tough Guys,” these tweets hammer home the character’s inability to confess weakness, shame or error. To the contrary, any evidence of @dril’s idiocy propels him to a loftier form of rhetoric that in no way matches the context of his ruin.
"I love the name of honor, more than I fear death." -me to my boss after he found a picture of me with a big shit stain on my sweatpants
— wint (@dril) February 23, 2015
Meanwhile, he continues to indulge in one of the classic male privileges: Being an asshole in the name of “controversy” and becoming more reactionary at any pushback. No matter how vile his beliefs, a cocoon of denial and indifference protects him.
Some may say iim considered, the Bad Boy of controversy
— wint (@dril) September 11, 2014
go ahead. keep screaming "Shut The Fuck Up " at me. it only makes my opinions Worse
— wint (@dril) March 10, 2018
my favorite feature of this site is absolutely no consequences for my opinions sucking ffucking ass and me being 100% wrong about everything
— wint (@dril) August 18, 2017
Just recreating the macho bluster that poisons much of the internet, however — talking up your martial arts skills and gaming stats and powers of Socratic reasoning — wouldn’t satisfy @dril’s larger satirical project. It’s not quite enough that he shits his pants as he cites a medieval code of chivalry; he also has to demonstrate how men evince their fragility at the very moments they assert it. His tweets on fatherhood hint at the ways that trauma informs adherence to damaging clichés of virility. Despite his alleged clout and confidence, his “wife” is always getting the better of him. And “the boys” are so wracked by homophobia that they clean their asses with dishwashing soap. At every turn, men are feeble in thought, cowardly in their defiance. They are falling to pieces.
my father banned me from taking shits after 8:00pm until i was 19 and this instilled within me a sense of morality and honor and respect
— wint (@dril) March 22, 2013
Blocking my wife's account, at the advice of my therapist, "TekkenChauncey"
— wint (@dril) April 22, 2017
me and the boys have decided that the least gay way of wiping your ass is to dump a quarter bottle of Palmolive Spring Sensations back there
— wint (@dril) September 17, 2016
But @dril is at his most vulnerable, perhaps, when directly addressing gender and the body. In these moments, he occasionally reveals an overzealous attempt to become a woke ally — see the infamous “This Whole Thing Smacks Of Gender” tweet — or a dysmorphic confusion at his revolting male anatomy. Virtually any mention of “my dick” is guaranteed to portray it as unwanted and inadequate, more a curse than a cock.
how d o i subtly let my hairdresser know that i want her to cut my dick off instead of my hair
— wint (@dril) June 16, 2012
kneading my dick and nuts like a wad of dough on a bench at pay less shoe store. i do not appear to be enjoying myself. im frowning actually
— wint (@dril) May 28, 2016
My dick is wearing a neck brace
— wint (@dril) November 9, 2017
What can we take from @dril’s gospel, seeing how well it aligns with the male paroxysms of rage that meet any suggestion that their grip on the world is loosening? That, contrary to the culture they once knew, consequences mightlie ahead? For one thing, his posts convey the spastic, scattershot quality of this meltdown. The @dril voice can spit violent words at any target, take offense at any supposed provocation, because a man’s inclination is to lash out and buy into the “victimhood” they wrongly imagine serves as a shield against criticism. It’s no accident that @dril sees himself endlessly persecuted by a surprising array of enemies while male politicians and pundits amplify the canard that “it’s a dangerous time for men,” arguing that a false accusation of sexual misconduct or assault could come from anywhere, at any time, for any reason at all. The hysteria @dril exercises is a portent of how desperately these same men will bellow and rant in a bid to save their status, devolving into a sideshow of puerile tantrums.
i finally worked up enough courage to cry in front of the pregnant woman who frequents my gym
— wint (@dril) September 4, 2013
Beneath it all, naturally, @dril is still a guy who dreams of “a gun that is also a boomerang” and does headstands to “let the cum from my balls flow directly to my brain and make me more intelligent.” He is a closed circuit of masculine fantasy, hostile to whatever threatens that system…yet also oblivious to how he participates in its slow destruction. And as crucial as it is to see women shouting at senators for failing basic tests of courage and empathy, it matters as much that that those men and men like them, the corporate goons and incel gamers and climate deniers and fascist cops, are constantly snitching on themselves, boasting of their worst behavior. If @dril gives us any hope, it is that the worst of humanity will paint a target on their foreheads. We hardly need to ferret them out — they already post their bullshit wherever they can.