5-13-19

The Butt Testing the World’s Most Popular Prostate Toys, Mickey Mantle’s Most Valuable Underwear and the Dudes Taking ‘Joker’ Cosplay Too Far

I’m not going to call “bullshit” on this piece about the realistic number of times (I won’t ruin it for you) a man can jerk off in one 24-hour period — but I have it on good authority that the number in question is way off. I know this, because of an old water polo teammate of mine, who we’ll call “Phil.” He once claimed to have charmed the one-eyed snake 26 times in one day (much more than the aforementioned realistic limit; the theoretical limit is too mind-boggling to contemplate) — a claim that if you knew Phil, you would’ve agreed is entirely possible. I mean, the guy voluntarily drove an Isuzu VehiCROSS, is that enough “weird” for you?

What’s this? You scoff at the idea that a man can jerk off 26 times in one day? By all means, then, let’s do the math:

  • 24 hours in a day – 8 hours for sleep – 1 hour for meals = 15 hours masturbation time
  • 15 hours x 60 min = 900 minutes
  • 35 minutes per JO session (5 min for jerking, 30-minute recovery time)
  • Ergo, 900 ÷ 35 = 25.71 JO’s possible

Round up (assume he was quick out of the gates), and mathematically, it’s doable, if not superhuman. Personally, I choose to believe.

Must Read

“The Behind Behind the World’s Most Popular Prostate Toy”
Great prostate toys don’t just get conjured up out of thin air; they require butts, or in the case of sex-toy company Aneros — makers of some of the most beloved prostate massagers in the world — a single butt, as final arbiter of good-orgasm taste. And that butt belongs to Forrest Andrews, the man who single-handedly tests and approves each prostate toy before it hits the market. This, then, is the story of how that butt found its calling to change not only the way millions of men around the world experience pleasure, but the way our culture views male sexuality. READ MORE

*Sniff Sniff* Smells Like Winning

“Mark” is a 36-year-old father of two in Connecticut, and an avid baseball collector. He’s got a little bit of everything: A ball signed by Babe Ruth, a wall of signed Yankees jerseys and more bats and posters than you can shake an, um, autographed bat at. But as cool as all of that memorabilia is, the ultimate prize wasn’t a ball, or a jersey, it was a 3-inch x 5-inch swatch of underwear — Mickey Mantle’s underwear.

A Film Critic On… ‘Pokémon Detective Pikachu’

On what it is: “Tim (Justice Smith) goes looking for his missing detective father, joined by his dad’s partner Pikachu (Ryan Reynolds), who conveniently has amnesia and can’t remember a thing.”

On the problem with live-action anime world-building: “Despite some bold visual touches and Reynolds’ smart-ass presence as the voice of Pikachu, the movie feels too much like every other franchise-starting origin film.”

On Reynolds needing to be more discerning with his choice of roles:Detective Pikachu needs Reynolds far more than he needs this movie.”

On why the title of ‘Detective Pikachu’ is a little confusing: “No matter what your expectations are for a Detective Pikachu movie, detecting is this film’s least-interesting element.”

On plot devices: “Clues are mostly excuses for big action set pieces, overblown holographic flashback sequences and strained comedy.”

On filmmaking lessons that no one will ever learn: “It’s almost as if movies based on video games end up being pretty terrible story-wise.”

On two words that sum up this movie: “Terribly mediocre.”

Read more of Tim Grierson’s review of Pokémon Detective Pikachu, here — including the surprising Easter egg that Detective Pikachu was filmed on 35mm (a rarity these days); the depressing behind-the-scene stories behind some of Pokémon’s original songs; and a very funny video of people dressed up as Pikachu dancing to N.W.A.

Soylent Isn’t People (It’s Isomaltooligosaccharide)

Soylent, the meal-replacement drink that somehow took the internet by storm a few years back despite being just the Silicon Valley version of SlimFast, markets itself as everything the body needs to sustain peak performance in a convenient-to-drink form. Which, of course, makes its ingredient list of paramount importance:

Okay, so, maybe isomaltooligosaccharide isn’t THE ingredient of note here, given the fact that it’s all the way down at #10 on the list. It still sounds the coolest (weirdest? scariest?), right? Sadly, all it really does is add some prebiotic fiber, and not, you know, turn you into the Hulk. That honor falls to some of Soylent’s other ingredients. Find out which, here.

A Suggestion You Can Take to the Bank

You know those too-big-to-fail institutions you’ve placed your life savings in only to find out it’ll cost you an arm-and-a-leg to (A) get it out again; or (B) use in any useful fashion? You know, banks? Yeah, they’re doing you dirty, but here’s a suggestion: Take out said life savings from your crooked Big Bank, and put it in a small, alternative, online bank instead. Because not only do most indie banks offer more attractive perks than the big boys ever could, but they won’t cost you a small fortune to use.

Toilet Paper: You’re Doing It Wrong… Again

Here I am, 35 years young, finding out on the reg that everything I know about wiping my ass is wrong. First it was the news that toilet paper is more likely to give you hemorrhoids than actually clean your ass; then it was scientists telling me my wiping strategy is all jacked up; now, it seems, not only have I been smearing chemicals on my ass thanks to the totally-not-organic name-brand TP I’ve been buying, but I’ve been screwing up the environment in the process. Fack.

Why. So. Serious?

Dudes, we know you’re big Joker fans, and we also know cosplay is a thing, but that doesn’t mean you have to dress up as the Clown Prince of Crime all day, err day.

Anyways, Miles Klee has some very funny thoughts about “Joker Guy” taking his clown obsession way too seriously.

Jerkin’ to the Limit

As I mentioned in the open, my buddy “Phil” claimed to have jerked off 26 times in one day. But researchers on the topic (lol) claim he was actually kinda slacking — theoretically speaking at least. Read this, and then you decide who’s right.