12-19

Real-Life Grinches, Erotic Hypnotism and the One Stove-Top Burner to Rule Them All

Of course there’s a best burner — anyone who’s ever boiled water, made eggs hungover or burned popcorn knows that. And clearly, indisputably, it’s the front right.

Sorry, lefties, life isn’t fair.

I didn’t even know there was an argument about this. But evidently, there are different uses for different burners, so a burner good for making the aforementioned boiled water might not be good for, say, heating up a can of Campbell’s tomato soup.

Personally, I’m going to stick with what works — front right. After all, I’m not a professional chef; I don’t intend to do much simmering, saucing or poaching. Just give me those BTUs, baby.

Must Read

“The Men Who Hate Christmas so Much They Want to Destroy It”
Christmas is 🎵 the most, 🎵 wonderful time, 🎵 of the year. At least for most of us. For others, it’s less than wonderful, and for an even smaller amount of people, it’s so awful they resort to taking their hate for the holidays out on everyone around them. These folks, you see, are the Grinches and Scrooges of our time. And their legacy of being Yuletide buzzkills goes back to the 17th century. READ MORE

You Are Feeling Very Sexy

Some fantasies can be hard to pull of in real life. Shame, a less-than-willing partner or the lack of a Lego cityscape for smashing might prevent you from living out your dream of being a sexual Godzilla, for example. But even in cases such as these, not all hope is lost. Isabelle Kohn spoke to a hypnotist whose job it is to help people experience the deepest breadth of their fantasies through the power of consensual mind control.

Geared-Up Gym Bros

🚨 Gym Beef Alert 🚨: Gym bros are freaking out about the ever-increasing amount of gear — things like knee sleeves, heavy-duty bench shirts and lifting straps — other gym bros are bringing into the weight room. Are they used for support? Are they cheating? No one knows for sure! Whatever your opinion might be, Oliver Lee Bateman argues that weightlifting gear is only an issue if the people you lift with take the time to give a shit.

Tumblr Gonna Tumblr

You know what sucks? Tumblr restricting all erotica on its site, including the sex-positive stuff, because it’s too lazy to do any real policing of its content. But do you know what’s way worse than that? The fact that Tumblr users spent years reporting the types of child porn that got the site into trouble in the first place, and the social platform straight-up ignored them.

Let’s Talk About Bacon. Again.

The Great Bacon Meme War of 2009 was bad enough to put some folks off of bacon for good. But if you managed to hold out long enough to watch your favorite smoked-pork product return to its former glory, we’ve got bad news for you: The bacon memes are back to ruin breakfast forever — and this time, it’s political.

Playing Doctor

Sorry, Pat: Medication is not a last resort just because meditation happened to work for you. Tracy Moore writes that approaching mental health with this type of attitude not only stigmatizes people for whom meds are the only thing that works, but also that it condescendingly implies that people with lifelong depression are too lazy or too dumb to have given a change in lifestyle a try in the first place.

Power Burner FTW

If you use your stove at all, you may not realize it, but you’ve got a favorite burner, i.e., the one your pot or pan always seems to gravitate toward. But “favorite” does not equal “best,” my friends. And to help settle once and for all which stove-top burner is king, Quinn Myers consulted the kinds of people who would know — like pro chefs, cooking-show hosts and even a nuclear physicist.

Did You Know?

There’s a scarce caterpillar fungus nicknamed “Himalayan Viagra” that has people in China and Nepal killing each other. In fact, it’s becoming three times more expensive than gold there, and it’s going extinct.

No Give-Backs

Talk to a heavily-tattooed person and they’ll tell you: One of the most common questions they get is, “Do you think you’ll regret your tattoos when you’re older?” Which, for the heavily-tattooed person, is fucking annoying. Not only because they have to answer the same stupid question over and over. But also because people just assume there will be regret. Ian Lecklitner, a man who is heavily-tattooed himself, spoke to three middle-aged people with tattoos about why everyone else underestimates the long-lasting power of the ink.

From the Archives

Twenty years ago today, President Bill Clinton was impeached for lying to a grand jury and obstruction of justice. Which… heh. Hahaha. Ugh.

Ask most people, however, and they’ll probably tell you that Clinton was impeached for getting one very famous, possibly coerced blowjob in the Oval Office. And, as we wrote about a year ago, it’s a blowjob so famous that for the children of the 1990s, it’s how we discovered fellatio in the first place.