3… squeeze… 4… squeeze… 5… squeeze… and fin. Not sure about you guys, but if someone told me I could have mind-blowing orgasms just by squeezing my ass cheeks together a few times a day, I’m going to give it a shot. In fact, I’ll make it super easy for you by providing my Top 3 best times to practice your kegels (3 sets of five):
- In the car on the way to work (if on bus or train, use best judgment).
- During your first meeting of the day (swap to last meeting of the day if presenting to coworkers).
- While watching Jeopardy! (what is why guys do kegels? — see below).
You’re now on your way to advanced-level sexual prowess. Thank me later.
Must Read
“The Oft-Dismissed Polygraph Test Is Finding New Life in the Age of #MeToo”
The polygraph, or lie detector, as it’s known, records blood pressure, heart rate, breathing and skin conductivity in an attempt to measure deception through physiological tells — tells that come with a margin of error too substantial for use in civil or criminal court. But in the era of #MeToo, the polygraph is being leveraged more and more by accused predators in a bid to prove their innocence when presented with accusations of sexual harassment and assault. Eddie Kim examines the origins of the polygraph and how it has simultaneously been dismissed by the scientific community and lauded by its biggest advocates. READ MORE
An Entertainment Critic On… ‘Fosse/Verdon’
On what it is: “The FX series’ central thesis is that Bob Fosse (Sam Rockwell) was a genius choreographer and director who won Tonys, Emmys and an Oscar — but, you see, he couldn’t have risen to such heights without his wife’s (Michelle Williams as the titular Gwen Verdon) patient, unwavering, nurturing support, guidance and sharp eye.”
On Bob Fosse being a real man’s man: “Fosse was a real asshole — a womanizer, an addict, a tormented soul who took out unresolved childhood trauma on those around him.”
On Verdon being a real guy’s gal: “Don’t feel bad for his wife — she was her own woman, and complicit in the whole thing. Although Verdon wasn’t nearly as abusive as Fosse was, she was hardly an innocent.”
On a new twist to the ‘horrible people make great art’ trope: “In the bad old days, genius male artists were celebrated/lamented for their inexhaustible entitlement. In a nod to our Time’s Up moment, the FX series revises that cultural truism by positioning both Fosse and Verdon as ambitious, driven artists looking out for themselves.”
On why revealing the full picture behind a show business power dynamic isn’t always a good thing: “I’m not sure how much more comforting it is to know that plenty of Hollywood couples contained two monsters, not just one.”
On the final word: “Sometimes it’s hard to know what makes a couple tick. With these two narcissists, though, maybe we’re better off not knowing.”
Read more from Tim Grierson’s review of Fosse/Verdon here — including a look at which film might be Michelle Williams’ best; a rumination on the final scene of the Fosse masterpiece, Cabaret; and Grierson’s appreciation for Sam Rockwell’s dancing ability.
What’s in a Name?
Give credit where credit’s due: Donald Trump is great at creating rude nicknames for his political opponents, and making them stick. Case in point: “Lyin’ Ted Cruz,” “Pocahontas” and our personal favorite from the last election, “Low Energy Jeb.” But recently, Trump has been falling down on the job — at least where the Democrats vying to challenge him in 2020 are concerned. And that’s left his supporters on the right to attempt their own clever-nickname magic. Unfortunately, based on the names in the running, what we’re dealing with so far appears to be the very definition of “low energy.”
Beta O’Cuck
— trialbyfriar (@the_priory) April 8, 2019
Candid Camera
The definition of insanity, the saying goes, is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. If that’s true, then most arguments couples have are totally insane, because we’re often so emotionally wrapped up in them that it’s extremely difficult to learn anything. Well here’s a novel, if not batshit, idea: Record your fights on camera like an athlete’s game film and then watch them to see where you can improve.
Weed Hangover Gotchu Like
Ever eat a bit too much weed food and then catch a wicked hangover the next day? Weed hangovers are indeed a real thing, but unlike the alcohol variety, little has been written about getting rid of them. Ian Lecklitner, no stranger to weed himself, spoke to a few cannabis experts about how they right the ship.
Embiggen Your Brain
New research shows that, besides making you swole af, lifting weights can also bring about significant cognitive gains, and the more you exercise, the smarter you become. Get those brains, bro!
IT’S TAINT-SQUEEZIN’ TIME
Kegel exercises: They’re not just for ladies on a mission for total control over their pelvic floor. Some men are clenching their PC muscles, too. Only, control over their pelvic floor isn’t about a tighter vagina — it’s about superhuman sex powers like enhanced boner flexing, orgasm control and even multiple orgasms.
the true purpose of the male kegel muscle group is to strengthen them until you can blow so hard at your own face in order to break your own neck, therefore ending your existence. #medicalfacts pic.twitter.com/JTauNOdCTB
— Heck Media (@HeckMedia) February 13, 2019
Liquid Gold
Don’t look now but, for your entire life, you’ve been pissing away money. No, seriously, you’ve literally been pissing it away, because all this time your urine has been worth a small fortune (okay, five bucks a cup) to anyone desperate to pass a drug test.
Jeff Gross
Jeff Gross is MEL’s senior editor for social media and content marketing. His daily ICYMI column, which chronicles all things meta on the site, is the quickest way to catch up on MEL, and the funniest thing you’ll read all day. Follow him on Twitter.
