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We Have Nothing More to Add About the Jeff Bezos Dick Pics

At this point, I think we've covered the dong shot from every conceivable angle

Reader, forgive us, for we have failed. The Great Jeff Bezos Dick Pic Extortion Scandal is one of the most MEL news stories to come across our desks in months. (Maybe, in fact, since our ball-to-ball coverage of the presidential penis.) Seriously, this thing has it all — billionaires, millionaires, affairs, the National Enquirer, Amazon, sexy cargo shorts, semi-erections and guys named Pecker. Yet sadly, everything we brought to the table in yesterday’s pitch meeting was promptly shut down. For good reason, too: We’d already run it all.

That, however, didn’t keep things from getting heated. At one point, our editor-in-chief slammed his desk like J. Jonah Jameson, flew to New York from L.A., shook me upside-down — pencils and reporting notebooks spilling comically from my tarnished newsboy satchel — and said, in his thundering newsroom voice, “BRING ME FRESH PENIS CONTENT, YOU CHILD!”

But alas, even “a colossally stupid prick” (his words, not mine) such as myself had nothing. Well, that’s not quite right. I basically only had retread ideas of the 400 or so dick stories we’ve already done (perfected?) in our short history.

And sadly, nothing has changed in the 24 hours since. That is, we’re still scratching our heads for what to say about Bezos’ stolen package. To our credit, though, at least we’ve got these to offer…

On Dick Pic Security:

Hiding Your Old Junk: How to Securely Store Your Nudes

On Bezos’ Sexy Cargo Shorts:

11 Defenses of Cargo Shorts, Ranked

On Dick Pic Innovation:

The Guy Who’s Trying to Reinvent the Dick Pic

On the Brilliant Peckers of History:

History’s Most Notorious Penises

On What Makes a Really Good Dick Pic:

Why Men Are Paying Women for Accurate Critiques of Their Dicks

On the Great Mind Studying the Dick Pic Phenomenon:

The World’s First Dick-Pic Researcher

On Calling It a “Complexifier” (or Anything Else)

Three Men Who Named Their Dicks (and Why They Did It)

What Men Want You to Call Their Penis

On Pube Grooming as a Mood Booster:

Feeling Down? Try Trimming Your Pubes

On When Your Body Tells You She’s the One:

What Exactly Is a ‘Love Erection’?

On the Ideal Dick:

The Ideal Dick Is the ‘Boyfriend Dick’

On That Alleged Half-Chub:

Everything You Ever Needed to Know About ‘The Chub’

Meet the Softies: The Men Who Celebrate Flaccidity and Send ‘Soft Dick Pics’

And so, I’m certain of at least one thing: You can’t say that we don’t know dick.