Reader, forgive us, for we have failed. The Great Jeff Bezos Dick Pic Extortion Scandal is one of the most MEL news stories to come across our desks in months. (Maybe, in fact, since our ball-to-ball coverage of the presidential penis.) Seriously, this thing has it all — billionaires, millionaires, affairs, the National Enquirer, Amazon, sexy cargo shorts, semi-erections and guys named Pecker. Yet sadly, everything we brought to the table in yesterday’s pitch meeting was promptly shut down. For good reason, too: We’d already run it all.
That, however, didn’t keep things from getting heated. At one point, our editor-in-chief slammed his desk like J. Jonah Jameson, flew to New York from L.A., shook me upside-down — pencils and reporting notebooks spilling comically from my tarnished newsboy satchel — and said, in his thundering newsroom voice, “BRING ME FRESH PENIS CONTENT, YOU CHILD!”
But alas, even “a colossally stupid prick” (his words, not mine) such as myself had nothing. Well, that’s not quite right. I basically only had retread ideas of the 400 or so dick stories we’ve already done (perfected?) in our short history.
And sadly, nothing has changed in the 24 hours since. That is, we’re still scratching our heads for what to say about Bezos’ stolen package. To our credit, though, at least we’ve got these to offer…
On Dick Pic Security:
On Bezos’ Sexy Cargo Shorts:
On Dick Pic Innovation:
On the Brilliant Peckers of History:
On What Makes a Really Good Dick Pic:
Why Men Are Paying Women for Accurate Critiques of Their Dicks
On the Great Mind Studying the Dick Pic Phenomenon:
On Calling It a “Complexifier” (or Anything Else)
On Pube Grooming as a Mood Booster:
On When Your Body Tells You She’s the One:
On the Ideal Dick:
On That Alleged Half-Chub:
Meet the Softies: The Men Who Celebrate Flaccidity and Send ‘Soft Dick Pics’
And so, I’m certain of at least one thing: You can’t say that we don’t know dick.
Cooper Fleishman
Cooper Fleishman is MEL’s director of news and audience, overseeing the Daily desk, social media, traffic growth and editorial product/engineering. He came from Mic, where he launched The Future Is Now, a channel about tech and digital culture, and Multiplayer, a gaming vertical focused on diversity and representation in geek culture. In a previous life, he was New York bureau chief at the Daily Dot, a copy editor for Us Weekly, a dog food salesman, a T-shirt silk-screener and an ’80s cover band drummer. He spent 21 years in Ohio, which explains a lot.
