Feeling Down? Try Trimming Your Pubes

Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines “pubes” as the hair that appears on…just kidding, you know what pubes are. Unless you haven’t gotten them yet, in which case I think you’re a bit too young to be reading this website. Go play Minecraft or something.

Everyone else — yeah, this is about pubes. There are lots of theories as to why we have them: for pheromone distribution, for warmer genitals, or to guard against foreign particles. Maybe pubic hair is there to catch the crumbs when we’re eating chips naked. No matter its evolutionary basis, this stuff is a fact of life, and your cultural milieu tends to dictate how you manage it. That could mean elaborate styling or shaving it off altogether, but for many Americans in 2018, the basic expectation is that you’ll keep it from getting too long, thick, and shaggy. I’m not talking about the often way-too-extra trends in professional “manscaping,” just a simple trim with grooming scissors to keep the crotch-bramble smooth and appealing. Which brings us to a very important tweet:

If I understand this old chestnut from ’90s Hollywood heartthrob who maybe could’ve taken it down a notch for his Twin Peaks comeback performance Matthew Lillard here, trimming one’s pubes may be a game-changing lifehack. Take the time to snip it short, Lillard suggests, and you will go from “feeling down” to “dominate,” or, as I’m guessing he meant to type, “dominant.” It’s a fairly counterintuitive idea on first blush, since this aspect of personal hygiene can be both stressful (a sharp implement near your sensitive organs) and awkwardly tedious (the angles present a bedeviling challenge), and is usually handled, like laundry, when one can no longer put off the dreaded responsibility.

With a depressive mood, too, comes the disinclination to do anything — a “why bother” outlook that keeps us in bed with sweatpants on and all but forbids attention to appearances. Particularly if the malaise is compounded by a general lack of sex, the motivation to carefully sculpt our pubic region is tough to summon. We assume that without an intimate partner or plans for a date, there is no reason not to leave one’s pubes unkempt. We shouldn’t! Even in the absence of erotic encounters, we can take pride in accomplishing the task and looking our best below the waist. As if by magic, a length of dick emerges from the thicket. No, it won’t actually make your dick larger — yet as any bird who puffs out his plumage to attract a mate will tell you, illusions matter. Also, do you have any idea what some women go through to meet straight dudes’ insane ideals? Waxed assholes! Razor-burned labia! You’re doing the bare minimum.

Moreover, pube maintenance can be a gift to yourself, not just someone else. Don’t you feel fresh and free afterward? Almost like a new person? Sometimes I swear my underwear fits better. Walking around in public in the days following, nobody knows why I seem to have a spring in my step. For all the inconvenience of the act itself, the results extend well beyond the pleasing aesthetic of a well-landscaped bush, into the intangible realm of spiritual health. You deserve this! Matthew Lillard said so! Just think of how much more confident you’ll be in that job interview, or when someone cute chats you up at the coffee shop. Pubes and self-esteem have, I firmly believe, a mysterious but irrefutable connection — they give shape to a hidden shame or unspoken strength.

Besides, a trim isn’t so much work. You could do it in 10 minutes while procrastinating on another chore. Later that night, when you’re falling asleep, kicking yourself for once again getting nothing done in your spare time, you can think: At least I took care of my pubes. That deserves a big check mark. That is a win.

As Reinhold Niebuhr’s famous Serenity Prayer goes: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” Pubes can be changed. In a sense they are there to be changed. Perhaps that was their true purpose all along — to give us a small, private measure of control. If we master them, we master our destiny. OK, I’m overselling this, but come on, try it! I bet you’re already noticing the itch, the intuition that your moment has arrived. Go boldly now into that bathroom.

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Miles Klee

Miles Klee is MEL’s resident tank-top dirtbag, shitposter and meme expert. He’s also the author of the novel ‘Ivyland’ and a story collection, ‘True False.’