Robin Williams called his “The Heat Seeking Moisture Missile.” Channing Tatum named his “Gilbert.” Hugh Jackman refers to his as “old James Roger.” But what the hell makes a guy name his dick in the first place? And how do they come up with the names? For answers, we asked three normal dudes of all ages what inspired them to christen their cocks.
“Duke,” 39 years old
Duke, yep. That’s what I went for. When you start thinking of a strong penis name, names like “Caesar” come to mind, but I always thought that the song “Duke of Earl” was a badass song — like, this guy’s talking about how awesome he is, ’cause he’s the Duke of Earl! So I just thought that would reflect nicely on my dong.
Why’d I give my dick a name? I think just being 17 years old and being stupid. I remember watching Varsity Blues: James Van Der Beek named his dick “Pedro” and I thought, yeah, that’s a good dick name. So, The Beek sort of got me down the path of naming dicks.
Even if I wanted to change its name, at this point, it’s not like I could. My wife is aware that my dick is named Duke, so I don’t feel like one night in the bedroom I can be like, “Meet Julius Caesar Augustus, my new dick,” you know? And I don’t think I could strip my dick of a name by this point either. I don’t think you can ever go back. I’d never sit down over dinner with my wife and be like, “I think it’s time to put ol’ Duke down. He’s had his run. We’ll just call it ‘wiener’ from now on.”
Does naming your dick have many practical applications? Not really. I remember in the past coming back from the bathroom, I’d be like, “I almost zipped up old Duke in the zipper there! Gotta be a little more careful.” It’s mostly for comedic applications. I mean, I certainly didn’t name my dick “Duke” to start a Facebook page for it. It’s all in jest.
My dick’s name used to come up all the time in the bedroom, but mostly back when I was younger. Nowadays, it’s like I have to lock the door for five minutes and listen to my three kids bang on it from the other side just so my wife and I can have sex as fast as we can. So it’s not like I can walk around with my pants down and be like, “Duke just rolled into town … he’s ready!”
I first told my wife back when we were about 20 and still dating. I was just like, “By the way, my dick is named Duke.” She thought it was pretty funny. Other than that, my friends from high school know my dick’s name, and one dad who was the type to bro down with us probably knew. I’m quite certain my parents are unaware my dick has a name. But telling my wife my dick’s name sent her and her friends down a rabbit hole to sit around and say things like, “Did your boyfriend name his dick?” “Oh my God.” “Can you believe this shit?” So I’d venture that pretty much every girl that I see when we’re hanging out with my wife’s friends knows my dong’s name.
I don’t think naming your dick is that abnormal, at least in my day. Now that things are so PC, though, I wonder if a kid might shy away from naming his dong. Still, I think it’s a worthwhile enterprise.
“Fred,” 59 years old
In high school, my girlfriend at the time and I were going at it like rabbits. I mean, it was unbelievable how much sex we were having. But by now I can’t remember if we named it jokingly, or if I thought, my dick’s so important to me that I need to give him a name! Either way, she and I just named him “Fred.”
There’s probably a story or significance to the name, because everything that has a name is kind of important, right? Like, you give a street a name. You give your kid a name. So I guess because we were having sex so much we were like, we gotta give him his own zip code! But by now I honestly can’t remember where we got Fred from. Which is kind of weird, because for events that were so frickin’ awesome you’d think you’d never forget all the details.
In any case, it was just something to joke about — both inside and outside the bedroom. I’d say things like, “Fred’s hungry,” or “Fred wants this,” or “Fred wants that.” I’d refer to my dick in the third person. She’d play along.
The thing is, I’ve never mentioned my dick’s name outside of my high school girlfriend. Not to other girlfriends or to my wife. Because I figured they’d immediately ask, “Why did you name it Fred?” and I never felt like answering, “Oh, my high school sweetheart came up with the name.” But if I didn’t tell them where it came from, I think subsequent girlfriends would’ve been down for playing along, absolutely. It just all depends on the context — you can’t be weird, serious or creepy about it. It all depends on how you say it. You’ve gotta come about it jokingly.
If I told my wife, I probably wouldn’t give her the context. First she’d probably laugh at me, but I think she’d go along with it. I’ve only had a couple conversations about this with other guys, but I assumed every guy named his dick at some point. Haven’t they?
“The Captain,” 25 years old
Between high school and college I worked for a summer on a commercial fishing boat off of Alaska. I made a shit ton of money, but the captain was like the drill sergeant from hell: He was insane and everyone hated him. In cramped conditions for months at a time, you get pretty close to your shipmates. One of them would talk about his dick by name. I mean, things like that quickly start to feel normal. I don’t remember the name he had for his penis, but of course, we all hated the captain. He was a huge cock, so when dick names came up in conversation one night, I said, “I’m gonna name mine ‘The Captain.’”
When I immediately thought of it I just thought it was a funny F-U to our captain, but after a second or two, I was like, “Actually, that’s a good name” — at least when you decontextualize it from that a-hole on the fishing boat. So I kept it. I mean, why not name your dick? Who the hell is gonna care that much?
It mostly just came up around my friends when we made childish jokes, but I’ve brought it up to girlfriends, too. There’s a pretty wide mix of reactions! A couple girls have played along more than I expected them to — they actually seem to enjoy the fun of it and think it’s funny. They get more creative about it than I do! I mean, there’s a lot in common between nautical talk and sex innuendos, and it’s always awesome when a girl talks about your dick. But I think you’ve already gotta have some chemistry with a girl before bringing up your dick’s name. And they’ve gotta be into you.
I learned my lesson about all that during a drunken one-night stand. This girl I’d just met earlier in the evening and I were going at it — I said some dumbass thing like, “Here comes The Captain!” I don’t know why it came out, I guess I had meant to say it to myself — not that I even meant to say it in the first place — but instead I said it out loud. She froze for a second and whispered something like, “…what’d you say?” I was like, “Huh? Uhhh…nothing.” I pretended like it never happened, but it killed the vibe. I never saw her again. Not just because of that, but still, I’d never do that as carelessly again.
Another girl I dated just kind of rolled her eyes and treated it like a dumb joke, and that was the end of it. But I mean, giving a dick its own name can’t really be anything but a joke, right? I guess they just don’t think it’s funny, so it’s mostly something I keep to myself, and I don’t take too seriously. But overall, it’s fun in a really stupid sort of way to have a name for your dick, and it makes people laugh in the right situation. Those are good enough reasons to name your dick, I think.
Adam Elder
Adam Elder is a writer in San Diego. He's also written for Esquire and WIRED magazines, VICE, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Guardian, newyorker.com and elsewhere.
