I had a bird once: Popeye. He was a parakeet, and a very good bird. He also was a pretty bird. I know that because he knew that—and mentioned it about 100 times a day.
Popeye went to bird heaven years ago, and now that I’m a large adult son, I wish that Popeye had known some key phrases beyond just “pretty bird.” Things like, “fuck you,” “go fuck yourself,” and of course, “rmgnfirfjnirjglmfaorofl.” After all, if you own a pet that has the ability to speak, what else is there for it to say beyond profanity? Plus, with a potty mouth and his pretty-bird looks, who knows, Popeye might have been huge on YouTube.
For dirty birds that did make the transition to YouTube star, the worst strip-club faux pas according to strippers and the best ways to tell if a mechanic is fucking with you (see how much more fun it is when you swear—now imagine a bird saying it), check out today’s best stories below…
“The NYC Punks Who Built a Support Network for Sexual Assault Survivors When the Justice System Failed Them”
Colin Hagendorf is an alum of Support New York, a survivor support collective that grew out of punk and anarchist communities in NYC in the mid-2000s. Columnist merritt k spoke to Hagendorf about the evolution of the collective, the current discourse around #MeToo and being a man engaged in anti-violence work. READ MORE
Do you trust mechanics? I sure as hell don’t. It seems like every time I go in for an oil change my air filter needs to be replaced, otherwise the car might spontaneously combust. But all things being equal, there is a way to determine if the auto-repair shop you rolled your beater into is reputable. Look for one sign:
That, however, doesn’t guarantee you won’t still get a massive bill. And so, we put together a primer on all the red flags to be aware of when it comes to your jalopy and your wallet.
The story about a Virginia Republican congressional candidate and his secret career as a Bigfoot-erotica author is great and all, but have you ever wanted to pretend to be Godzilla and fuck your partner through a gingerbread house?
Parrots Say the Darndest Things
Anybody catch this story?
What a legend. But staff writer Miles Klee saw the context underlying this high-wire rescue story—that birds have always been fuckin’ legends:
For even more bird hijinks, click here.
The Snozzberries Taste Like Snozzberries
What about gene-editing are we most looking forward to? Bananas shaped like butts, and broccoli that taste like bacon. That’s right — the produce of the near future is going to be wild, yo.
Children of Men
Sperm: It’s in crisis. Infertility affects one in eight couples, and 40 percent of those experiencing fertility problems are male. So how do we reverse this worrisome trend? Like the sperm itself, the answer resides in your balls.
Lay Off the Mayo
Stop hating on mayonnaise you classist jagoffs. Sure, it may be a commoner’s condiment, but that white gold has a rich history.
No Sex in the Champagne Room
Hey, strip-club customers, DON’T DO THIS:
There are unspoken rules at the strip club, and Fiddy, you just broke Rule #1: Don’t take back cash you’ve previously made rain.
There’s more to strip-club tipping etiquette than that, though. Such as:
- Don’t sit around the stage if you’re not going to tip.
- When sitting or standing at the edge of the stage, don’t make a dancer crawl over to you, shake her ass and then throw a single. Instead, throw many singles as you should expect to put down more than a couple of dollars per song.
- Remember that at the end of the night, dancers have to pay the club to dance; bottle girls do not. Your tips help make up the difference.
For even more about the biggest strip club faux pas, according to actual strippers, click here.
Too Long; Didn’t Read
Oh cool, Zayn thought it was a good idea to bring back frosted tips? Personally, I’d rather we leave that look to the 1990s and early 2000s, and never speak of it again. But then again, how can we blame Zayn, when so many frosted daddies came before him?