Enough is enough. The fact that there are products designed to mask the smell of our dirty buttholes for the poor souls we’ve tasked with eating them, not to mention the environmental impact the billions of wads of toilet paper we use have on old-growth forests, is more than enough evidence that our approach to cleaning our asses is, well, ass backwards.
By this time next week I will have bought and installed a bidet.
Must Read
“The Guys Seeking DIY Chemical Castration”
If you’re unfamiliar, chemical castration is a process in which pills and/or injections are provided, but more often forced, upon a person to dramatically lower their libido. It’s been used for more than 70 years on rapists, pedophiles and others deemed “sexual deviants.” And now, a small, but increasingly vocal group of non-offending men who pose no risk to themselves or society are willingly doing everything they can to have it done. Their reason? The belief that they’re not “alpha,” or worthy enough for a libido. READ MORE
She Told Me She Loved Me
Narcissists are highly skilled manipulators who lure in and seduce their prey like psychological puppeteers, tugging at strings every step along the way. Their initial kindness creates a convincing façade that eventually gives way to a chilly interior and a penchant for emotional and psychological violence. Women are often the most conspicuous victims of a narcissistic partner, but that doesn’t mean men aren’t, too. In a piece that is, at times, hard to read, C. Brian Smith spoke to a few of these male victims about their trauma, as well as the doctors, therapists and divorce mediators who owe their careers to the destruction that such an incurable disorder causes.
Woke Wrestling Entertainment
In a long line of questionable decisions — a partnership with Saudi Arabia, friendly relations with the Trump administration and culturally and racially insensitive characters as villains, to name just a few — the WWE recently turned the popular environmentally conscious pro-wrestler Bryan Danielson (ring name: Daniel Bryant) into a heel.
But if the WWE was expecting fans to turn their ire on Danielson, they were all wrong. If anything, the move has backfired on management, and turned the WWE into the real villain.
Arrivederci!
Cooper Fleishman is the grand master at terrible, awkward goodbyes at parties. Credit his Sicilian-Italian family’s habit of saying goodbye to everyone in a room — at least three times. He’s called his always sentimental and uncomfortably drawn-out farewells the “Italian exit” — in a nod to its polar opposite, the “Irish exit” — and it’s an old-fashioned habit he’s tried to shake. But not before understanding the dark psychological forces at work compelling him to Italian exit in the first place.
Cockblocked By Your Dreams
Ever notice you’re about to have some nice sexytime in your dream, and then *poof*, the dream changes completely, or worse, you wake up? Ever notice that happens a lot? “Dream cockblocking” is a common occurrence — so much so that the phrase even has a definition on Urban Dictionary: “When someone or something wakes you up from a dream where you’re about to screw a hot chick.” Ian Lecklitner reached out to a certified clinical sleep educator to explain why our dreams never let us get laid.
I Punch You ‘Cause I Love You
Hurting each other for fun is a dynamic every male-friends group has experienced, whether they wanted to or not, from backyard wrestling to surprise sack-taps. The unspoken agreement to take and dish out friendly abuse is an expression of vulnerability, in a way, one that is primal and describes an assurance that bros will endure a lot of painful shit in the name of friendship. But it’s a behavior that’s fraught with danger, as well — like the resentment and rage that can build up into destruction when “play” gets pushed too far.
Aww, Bless Your Heart
There’s a popular phrase in the South that sounds sweet as molasses pie, but is about as dismissive as a typically genteel Southerner gets: “Bless your heart.” It’s what many call “nice meanness,” and it’s earned that oxymoron. Because it’s certainly the nicest way you’ll ever be called an idiot.
The people of South Carolina are embarrassed by Nikki Haley!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 1, 2016
@realDonaldTrump, Bless your heart.
— Archive: Ambassador Nikki Haley (@AmbNikkiHaley) March 1, 2016
The Freshest Booty Around
No matter how many showers you take, unless you’ve got some lye and a Brillo pad, your booty will never smell what a potential ass-eating partner would refer to as “fresh.” That’s largely a function of the fact that, like a bunch of dumb animals, we Americans love cleaning smearing shit all around our booties with toilet paper, instead of freshening up our bootyholes with water, like much of Europe.
Not anymore.
That’s because, as Ian Leckitner discovered, there’s a product on the market aptly named Booty Fresh specifically designed to make your booty taste, well, fresh. And he used it. And it was an experience.
Jeff Gross
Jeff Gross is MEL’s senior editor for social media and content marketing. His daily ICYMI column, which chronicles all things meta on the site, is the quickest way to catch up on MEL, and the funniest thing you’ll read all day. Follow him on Twitter.
