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The Imperfect Science of Using Household Goods to Show Off Your Dick Size

Simple dick pics sans everyday items are always better, but if you absolutely must use one to show off, these would work fine

As a general rule, I prefer that dick pics be kept simple. Good lighting, cleanliness and a clutter-free background are really all you need. For some reason, though, some guys love to hold their dick up to other objects to compare the size — any kind of remote control, cans, bottles, what have you. I’ve never understood the appeal — it’s not like I’ve ever seen a dick in person and thought to myself, “This is exactly like my shampoo bottle at home!” It just seems irrelevant. Unless you’ve got a dick the width of a Coke can, I honestly don’t care. Women want nut videos, anyway! 

But if you absolutely must use something around your house to show how you size up, what’s the most appropriate fit? 

Last week, I explored the variety of items that are almost equal in length to the average penis. As most dick-interested people will tell you, though, girth is probably more important than length. Studies on average girth vary, but most cite an average circumference of four and a half to five inches. Which is pretty much exactly the same as…

This Expensive-Ass Hair Product I Was Pressured into Buying at the Salon

First, can I just say, it’s weirdly difficult to hold a tape measure around an object and take a photo of it at the same time. So, please cut me some slack. This Kerastase product is juuust over five inches in girth. That’s close enough to the average that nobody would really be able to tell the difference in a photo unless they were performing some advanced calculus. 

A Little Mini Shot Glass 

This one came out to around four and a half inches around. Still, it’s probably not the best thing to hold up next to your dick for comparison. Most dicks are way bigger than a one-ounce shot glass, so showing yours off this way isn’t exactly impressive. Just lie and say it’s a full-size cup!

The Neck of a Bottle of Kikkoman Soy Sauce

Like the shot glass, the neck of this was around four and a half inches. The problem, of course, is that the body of the bottle is far wider, and the whole thing is around eight inches in length. So, you’d have to have some pretty unique dimensions going on for it to be a good choice for a show-off item. Otherwise, meh.

Medication for Your Silly Little Brain

This pill bottle was just under five inches in width. I think that sounds like a hot way to take a dick picture, posing it next to your SSRIs or whatever other fun medications you’re on. 

A Classic Remote Control

Most remote controls aren’t quite as round as the average dick, but they’re technically around the same girth, at approximately 4.7 inches. Like the Kikkoman bottle, the downside is that it’s about six and a half inches long, or a bit over an inch bigger than the average dick. So, depending on what you’re working with, it might not do you any favors. 

A Soda/Beer Can

A 12-ounce can is exactly the same height as the average penis, making it seem like a perfect choice for dick pics. The thing is, cans are way wider than the average dick in girth. Seems like a fine way to trick someone into thinking you’ve got a thicc dick, but you can’t fool me! Even if you’ve got a thicc dicc, I’m willing to bet it’s nowhere near as plump as a can, so simply showing me a Coke can in a photo won’t impress me much either. If anything, it’ll just make me thirsty. 

Your Forearm or Wrist 

I have no idea how big your forearm is, yet so many of you love to hold your dick up to your forearm or wrist to show it off. Why would I care how your dick compares to your forearm? Maybe you’ve got small arms! I certainly do.

The truth is that you could probably take a reasonable-enough seeming dick picture with any of these objects, even if they aren’t quite a match in size. After all, you’re really just creating an optical illusion — I’m sure if you posed just right, buried the remote into your skin a bit and had the camera angle perfect, you could make a five-and-a-half-inch dick look the same size. But again, there’s really no need. If you’re super desperate to show off the specifics or your partner asks for the details, just bust out the measuring tape for yourself. 

Good luck actually holding the tape and getting the photo, though.