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Why Goats Are So Hot Right Now, Stoned Canadians’ 420 Pornhub Searches and the Meme Resurgence of LimeWire

I never thought I’d say this, but I miss LimeWire: Downloading the P2P network from some shady corner of the internet; not knowing whether I was getting the real thing or some trojan-horse knock-off; attempting to rip a 30-minute porn over the course of three hours, only to find that the vid was just a black screen; having to delete the app because I infected another family computer with a virus.

Those were simpler times, weren’t they?

As Miles Klee writes today, LimeWire is back — well, kinda. Not in the way that’ll brick your computer, but back nonetheless. But before we get to that, here’s everything else you might have missed today…

Must Read

Goats Are All the Rage Right Now
It’s easy to tell when something has reached “fad” status: Like when people are paying exorbitant amounts of money for it — or far, far more than they should. Think folks fighting over Tickle Me Elmos, or Beanie Babies going for thousands of dollars. Officially, we can add, uh, goats to the list. Because people are shelling out $40 to stretch while a goat shits on their back, and $99 per hour to hike with a goat as part of goat fucking therapy. What a time to be alive. READ MORE

420, Jerk It

Congratulations to America’s Hat, i.e., Canada, for managing to do the sensible thing and make weed legal. But since that momentous occasion, the’ve now moved on to cornering the market for weed-related searches on Pornhub. Ya’ll Canucks sure do love your cannabis porn, huh?

The Real America

If you live on a coast — meaning, if you lean left — you likely have ideas about how the other half lives. And those ideas are likely unfair. Which is probably why legendary filmmaker Frederick Wiseman made Monrovia, Indiana, an acclaimed new documentary about a red-state community that’s nothing like how it’s portrayed in the media. Tim Grierson spoke to Wiseman about what drew him to devoting an entire film to a small town, what we get wrong by using terms like “Trump’s America” and why documentarians should be fair — but not impartial.

To Pierce, or Not to Pierce, That is the Question

At what age should you let your child pierce their ears, wear makeup and other things kids want to do as they transition into their teen years? We asked a dermatologist, a professional nurse, a sexuality educator and others for their best “basic dad” advice — here’s what they said.

LimeWire is Back, BayBay

Well, not back back. More like, back in meme-form. Millennials have resurrected everyone’s favorite virus-masquerading-as-a-Dave-Matthews-Band-Mp3 downloader as image macros, often Simpsons-based, and they harken back to a time when everything wasn’t entirely terrible — only slightly terrible.

Tis the Season to Be Ball-y

We’ve gone in-depth into why summer is the best time for your dick, and why winter is less so. But did you stop to think about your balls? New research has found that your sperm quality is seasonal, too, and fall happens to be Peak Sperm Quality Season. So start fucking.

One Toilet to Rule Them All

With all the complaining we do about life in 2018, one of the areas in which we really have no complaints is in the quality and efficacy of our commodes. Think about it: You take a crap, you press a button and *presto change-o* your toilet trout is gone from your life completely. But is 2018 the best pooping-era ever? Not a chance, dear reader — not by a long shot.

Testy, Testy

Here’s something science has confirmed that shouldn’t surprise us at all: When men fight with their spouses, their testosterone surges. But don’t think the fact that you’re a high-T riddled mess should get you off the hook for your aggressive behavior.

Public Service Announcement: Take Your Viagra Only as Directed

Guys, I can’t believe I need to say this, but do not sleep on Viagra. I have to say this because one guy broke the ED-drug’s Three Golden Rules, and now he’s got permanently red-tinged eyes.

The Three Golden Rules of Viagra are as follows:

  • Rule #1: Do not buy and consume Viagra in liquid form — there are no generic liquid forms of Viagra, which means it’s probably been compounded.
  • Rule #2: Do not consume Viagra you purchased over the internet — because, duh. Who knows what you just bought? It could be rat poison.
  • Rule #3: Do follow the label instructions — this is a biggie, and I know you probably want to rip off the cap and take all of it immediately, but control yourself.

See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?

Well, not as hard as the guy with red-tinged eyes.