The flag of Wales is just about the coolest flag of any country in the world. It sports a big-ass red dragon, making it instantly infinitely cooler than any lame geometrical arrangement of stars, stripes or other non-dragon shapes. However, there is a small campaign running to try to get an extra element added to the dragon — a dick.
Does the dragon need a hog? Artist Rhŷn Ap Glyn Williams believes so, having launched a petition entitled “Demand That All Depictions of Our Dragon Have a Penis.” If it reaches 10,000 signatures, it will have to be debated in Parliament. At the moment, it has 884.
It’s easy enough to dismiss the idea as being childish — “Hey, let’s put a cock on the flag, wahey!” — but it does have historical precedent. Throughout the second half of the 15th century, there were a series of civil wars in Britain between the houses of York and Lancaster, culminating in the Battle of Bosworth in 1485. Richard III, of the House of York, was killed, and Henry Tudor of the House of Lancaster became Henry VII of England (or, in Welsh, Harri VII). He then married Elizabeth of York, uniting the feuding houses and beginning the prosperous Tudor period of British history.
Henry was born in Wales, and he claimed to be a descendant of a real-life seventh-century Welsh king called Cadwaladr ap Cadwallon. While not a lot is known about the real Cadwaladr, he became something of a mythical figure in the centuries after his death, a symbol of hope that the inhabitants of Britain would one day rule themselves again rather than live under the Anglo-Saxons. Henry had spent a large amount of Richard III’s reign in France, and when he returned to claim the throne, did so via Wales, marching under a banner displaying a symbol long associated with Cadwaladr — a red dragon.
When Henry took the throne, the dragon became part of his coat of arms, along with a white greyhound. Both dragon and greyhound seemed to enjoy being drawn for the coat of arms — as they’re both sporting spiky hard-ons.
And so, Williams’ campaign isn’t just about trying to put dicks on things — he wants to restore the dragon’s penis that was there in Tudor times. “An erect penis depicts fertility and strength,” he writes, and “shows a leader’s capability in sustaining a kingdom.”
In fairness, there are plenty of flags with breasts on them. The state flag of Virginia, for instance, features a woman in a toga with one breast hanging out. And the coat of arms of the United Kingdom features a harp representing Ireland, and until 1952, that harp had breasts. “Women seem to be bared on flags a lot more often than men, who likely design the flags and arms,” says Ted Kaye, secretary of the North American Vexillological Association. There seems to be just one example of a penis on a flag — the coat of arms of the Dalyell baronets of Nova Scotia features a nude man, arms by his sides, hangin’ free.
As for changing them — whether that involves adding more dicks or not — it’s not unheard of. “When a flag change occurs, it might be because of regime change, overlap with another country’s flag, a combination or separation of countries, some change in symbolism or the whim of the ruler or ruling party,” Kaye explains. Case in point: The American flag has had stars added over the years, while the flag of Liechtenstein was changed after Liechtensteiners realized it was the same as the Haitian flag.
Thus, if a penis was judged to belong on the Welsh dragon, there’s no valid reason why it couldn’t be shown on the flag. In fact, a few years ago the Royal Mint designed a commemorative £20 coin with the dragon on it complete with an admittedly boxy-looking dong, and there was no uproar of any kind.
Would a dragon even have a dick in the first place, though? They’re obviously mythical creatures, but there are certain consistencies in how dragons are portrayed. In particular, they’re reptiles. This means, in all likelihood, dragons would have a set of hemipenes, or two penises.
Hemipenes are reasonably common within the class reptilia, and they’re pretty gnarly. They’re generally inverted when not in use, and fill up and plop out of the body one at a time when needed, often covered in spikes. Odds are, most of the time a dragon would appear to have very little going on downstairs, and when it was aroused, it would be a whole gross mess of crap down there, a kind of spiky mucousy balloon type of deal. It might take away from the majesty of the rest of the dragon, to be honest — this fucked-up boner looking like a Koosh ball or one of those toys executives supposedly squeeze when they get stressed.
Gross dick(s) or not, the truth is, the Welsh flag doesn’t really need to have a weiner on it. It’s already got a dragon, which is fucking badass. Even ignoring the unfortunately gendered nature of a penis symbolizing power, everything pales as a symbol of power next to being a dragon. Even if a dragon had a really incredible penis, that would be like the 12th most interesting thing about it. A dragon with no cock is exactly as rad as a dragon with a cock (or two cocks!) — extremely rad, due to being a dragon.
Give it a dick though, it’ll be funny.
Mike Rampton
Mike Rampton is a freelance writer who lives in London. He enjoys making aggressively difficult puns, drinking on trains and pretending to be smarter than he is. He would like to own a boat one day but accepts that he probably won't.
