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The Life of a Literal Assman, How Jingles About Poop Get Written and the New Generation of Couples Not Weirded Out by Location Sharing

Look, I’ve got nothing to hide. I’m not a serial killer, I don’t dress up as a bat at night to fight crime and I haven’t the wherewithal to keep a mistress. But that doesn’t mean I’m turning on 24/7 location-sharing for my partner, like some couples these days are seemingly a-ok about doing.

Sorry, but imho, that’s a bridge too far — like swabbing my cheeks for a National DNA Registry, or letting Facebook watch me sleep. For a few reasons: It’s creepy, I like my independence, and most importantly, I’d prefer to keep my late-night runs to get frozen yogurt to myself, okay?

Can someone just invent a phone that only makes calls and sends texts, has no built-in GPS, and hey, while they’re at it, flips open? That type of un-trackable future is going to be priceless.

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“Three Men on What It’s Like to Have the Last Name Assman (Or Assmann)”
Today’s the last day of our Ass Week coverage, and we’d be remiss if we didn’t check in with the people whose whole lives are one, long ass week. I’m talking about the Assmans (or Assmann), three gents with one really unfortunate last name. Wait, did I say ‘unfortunate’? Ah hell, that’s just me, projecting — these guys would totally disagree. That’s because, while there’s never, ever a shortage of bad jokes, it turns out life as an Assman is a pretty good life. READ MORE

Jingle All the Way

Imagine, for a second, you’re a creative at one of the top ad agencies in all the land. Pretty cushy, right? Now imagine that your client wants you to come up with a catchy jingle for their new 15-second spot. Now imagine that the jingle is for — you guessed it — ass medicine. That’s basically what happened to Ian Jeffries, and how we got this little ditty:

Here’s why the art of writing a catchy jingle about poop is about more than finding a good rhyme for diarrhea.

White Isn’t Right

White rice: It blows. Sure, it might be the perfect carb in this writer’s estimation, but nutritionally, it’s the pits. So why keep eating the stuff when there’s a boat-load of alternatives just as starchy-delicious that are also, ya know, actually good for you.

Dream a Little Dream of Trump

Have you ever dreamt of Donald J. Trump? Psychotherapist Martha Crawford would like to talk to you. She’s on a mission to collect and study people’s dreams about the president, and so far, she’s amassed more than 3,000 examples. Miles Klee had a few questions for Crawford about her process, the trends she’d identified and what Trump dreams may tell us about our hopes and fears.

Think Before You Eat

Hacks to help us eat less are a dime of dozen, but just when you thought you’d heard the last about smaller plates, drinking a gallon of water before a meal and the power of snacking, a new hack has become all the rage. It’s, you guessed it, “mindful eating,” i.e., the simple concept that your emotional state whilst chomping greatly impacts what you put into your mouth. Only, mindful eating isn’t new — it’s just new to us. In fact, it’s been around for a long, long time.

I’ll Be Watching You

To some, indefinitely sharing your location with a significant other may seem like a breach of privacy, or a lack of inherent trust. But if you ask around, phone-tracking appears to have some fans, particularly among younger couples who’ve grown up on iPhones and other devices with location data built in. So is location tracking the new secret handshake? And should the rest of us get on board? Quinn Myers spoke to a number of GPS-tracking couples to find out what the hoopla is all about.

I’ve Got 99 Problems (All Money Related)

Raise your hand if you stress out about money ?‍♂️. There are few mental sensations more painful than an increasing stream of bills raining down on you that you have no idea how you’re gonna pay. So are there ways to stay calm and avoid stressing out when you’re in debt? We asked a financial therapist how to prevent that next bill from sending you into a death spiral.

And Now, the (Naked) News

When the history of humanity is written, 1999 will be remembered for two things: Y2K, and a lot of people itching to strip naked and read the news.

No joke, we reached peak naked news that year. Apparently, there was something about the dawning of a new millennium that made people want to strip off their clothes. It didn’t come out of nowhere, though — while doing the news naked dates back to the 1970s, it was the fall of communism that helped it reach its full potential.