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Sunday Reads: A Visit to an Alien-Themed Brothel, Extraterrestrial Horniness, the Myth of the ‘Illegal Alien’ and Everything Else from Alien Week

Alien Week is over here at MEL, much like it appears to be over (save for a few Naruto runners) outside of Area 51. But I’ve got one more alien conspiracy for you to consider before the end of the weekend.

Did you know that Scooby-Doo didn’t incorporate aliens as monsters until the late 1990s, despite being on the air for 30 years by that point? Doesn’t that seem a little suspicious? There’s so much spooky content there! I think they avoided it because it was too controversial. Or maybe, Hanna-Barbera was a government conspiracy and wanted to keep the whole concept of aliens out of our heads. 

My theory might seem bizarre, but it’s not even the weirdest Scooby-Doo theory out there. Still, if I end up dead of mysterious causes… remember this. 

Must Read

My Night at the Country’s Only Legal Alien-Themed Brothel
Besides gambling, Nevada is known primarily for two things: Legal brothels and aliens. And if you’re able to combine the two, you’ve got one helluva business on your hands. Speaking of whicn, Isabelle Kohn ventured out to the Alien Cathouse, the brain child of late pimp and attempted politician Dennis Hof. Situated 70 miles from Area 51, Kohn originally planned to investigate how the Cathouse’s “cosmic kittens” were preparing for Storm Area 51. As it turns out, though, aliens were the last thing they wanted to discuss. READ MORE

More from Alien Week

Greetings, Earthlings. Let’s Bang.
Sex with aliens has been a pop-cultural fascination for years (just check out the “Mars Needs Women” page on TV Tropes). So why do some of us find the prospect so intriguing? Madeleine Holden posed this question to a number of Earthlings with an extraterrestrial fetish, and as one comer put it, “They’re full of weird holes and shit.”

Muslims From Outer Space
If plants and animals can be followers of Islam, and if inviting all living things to their faith is a Muslim sacrament, is it the religious duty of all Muslims to try to convert our alien overlords when they descend down upon us? Welcome to the world of Muslim teen Area 51 memes:

Jokes aside, while discussions about extraterrestrial life aren’t atop the agenda for most imams, they can provide a way to discuss Islamic duty — to both the Earth itself and the Muslim community more largely

The Myth of the Illegal Alien
Donald Trump, in all his infinite wisdom, didn’t invent the term “alien” to describe a foreigner. That honor goes to George Washington, who all the way back in 1790 signed the Naturalization Act, a law that was the first of its kind to describe how an “alien” might obtain U.S. citizenship. In the nearly 230 years since, that policy has morphed into an unrecognizable behemoth — and so has the debate surrounding the use of the term “alien.”

The OG Alien Guys
A lot has been made about the “will they, or won’t they?” Storm Area 51 raid, whereby millions were supposed to crash the famed hotbed for aliens to find out once and for all whether little green men exist. But long before the Storm Area 51 meme, members of the Mutual UFO Network (MUFON) have been searching the world for extraterrestrials, and “finding” them, too. Just don’t ask them for cell-phone video.

The Otherworldly Influencer
Lil Mayo, the meme turned Instagram influencer, might look like a literal movie prop alien, but looks can be deceiving. Because he’s a movie prop alien who skates, smokes and clearly fucks. Just peep his Instagram account, where posts often show the doll in a variety of prone and stoned postures — leaning on sports cars, collapsing into a pile of swag, partying with a multitude of naked (or nearly naked) women. The overindulgent spaceman embodies what it means to be an internet star today: Capitalizing on a vibe and riding it for as long and as far as possible.

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howdy yall who wanna ride wit me

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The Week in Features

Not Just Republicans
“Do as I say, not as I do” doesn’t work when your entire identity is supposedly built on ethics, transparency and Doing the Right Thing. But as Democrats perpetually hammer this Republican administration for the creeps, corruption and cronyism that have become its hallmarks, they really should consider getting their own house in order first. Because condemning and exiling their own problem children before they’re hauled off to jail — and not looking the other way when colleagues in government profit unduly from their position — just may break the cliché that everyone lives in the same fetid swamp.

Ned Flanders Overdrive
What do you get when you marry Ned Flanders’ “hi-dilly-ho, neighborinos!” ethos with heavy metal’s pathos? Okilly Dokilly, “the world’s only Nedal band,” that’s what. Consisting of “Head” Ned on vocals and four other Neds behind him, to go to a Okilly Dokilly show is to witness the hellish energy of a metal band and the agreeability of the guy to whom they pay homage. As Miles Klee writes, it’s a combo that works better than you think it might.

Testosterone: We’re Doing It Wrong
There’s no shortage of radio spots and late-night infomercials promising to cure all that ails you as a man with a little bit of T. In fact, testosterone has long been presented by snake-oil salesmen as a quick fix for everything from low energy to erectile dysfunction. But new research suggests it doesn’t have nearly the effect we think it does. 

Travel Agents In 2019
The travel-agent profession would appear to be superfluous in an era where vacationers can book flights, hotels and experiences on their phones, from the toilet. But travel agents haven’t gone quietly into the night; besides keeping up their duties making sure you get into the Louvre without waiting in line, many of them are carving out a niche as, essentially, fixers. And it’s a value-add many travelers find indispensable.

Five Things We Learned This Week

  1. A 10-year-old can of Monster Energy drink can be worth several hundred dollars, thanks to a small community of Monster sommeliers and collectors whose goal is to own as many cans of the Kyle-favorite beverage as possible. 
  2. Selling off your stocks and investing in bonds ahead of a potential recession is a bad idea. Unless you’re nearing retirement age, stocks have always regained the losses incurred during a recession (and then some). So worry about other things like getting a side-hustle, instead.
  3. The first modern iteration of the opioid epidemic began in 1803 with the isolation of morphine. It got so bad that by the late 19th century, scientists were hoping to develop a less-addictive drug –– and ended up producing heroin (whoops!). 
  4. It’s not your fault you’re so ugly on FaceTime. Well, it’s kinda your fault, as it’s your brain that’s messing stuff up since it believes the true you is how you look in the mirror (not that little box in the corner of your smartphone). But the iPhone camera certainly doesn’t help.
  5. Kung Pao chicken is a way healthier Chinese takeout option than orange chicken. Basically everything you might order from your favorite takeout Chinese joint is loaded with sodium and fat, but Orange Chicken has the added downside of a fuck-ton of sugar

Quote of the Week

There aren’t many tools in a soldier’s toolbox as versatile as a plastic bottle of Gatorade. Yes, it’s hydrating and there are good flavors. But also, it makes for a wonderful tactical piss bottle, whether stuck in an armored personnel carrier on mission, or in the barracks when getting up to use the head means waking 20 other guys. It’s one of those truisms about being a soldier that you won’t read about in your field manual.

But Don’t Take Our Word For It…