If you’re one of those people who wouldn’t be caught dead eating a meal alone, I feel so bad for you.
I do it all the time, and I love it. First thing you can do is order extra — a huge plus most people don’t think about. Because when you don’t have anyone judging you, getting a burrito AND two extra tacos is a luxury you grow accustomed to.
Secondly, there’s so much you can do when you’re not talking about “your day,” “the weather” or “sports”: Watch puppy videos (i.e., get in touch with your feelings); do a crossword puzzle (i.e., exercise your noodle); stare off into the distance (i.e., practice mindfulness). Whatever you chose to do is cool!
And don’t forget, when you eat alone, time has no meaning. Take a load off, sit around for two hours. Or, try and get everything through your pie hole in five minutes flat. The point is, you are beholden to NO ONE.
But perhaps the best reason for eating alone is that there’s no one to ask you why you’re interested in “semen retention.” ? ? ?
Must Read
“The Cult of ‘Semen Retention’”
In his 20s, Chris Bale became concerned with how “internally confused and feminized” cosmopolitan masculinity had become. Part of the cause, in his estimation, was our semen — how we devalue and disrespect it, and how we refuse to treat it as a crucial part of our maleness. Our vitality and metaphysical power, you see, is in our seed. We need to build it up instead of ejaculating it away in order to reach a higher plane of existence. Bale calls this practice “semen retention,” and now, he’s teaching it to men who want to cultivate their sexual energy and innate masculinity. READ MORE
Dirty Money
No, I’m not talking about all the cash Donald Trump has laundered for the Russians in all-cash real-estate deals. I’m talking about the actual dirt on that crumpled $1 dollar bill in your pocket. That’s right — your cash is fucking filthy. Not just in a, dog shit, un-retained semen and cocaine sort of way. But also in a nasty, body-infecting bacteria kind of way, too.
Table for One
Why do people think eating alone is the epitome of loneliness? It’s awesome — and I would know, I’ve been single since Obama’s first term. Think about it: No small talk, you can eat as slow or as long as you’d like, and to cap off, there’s this wholly underrated reason:
The best part about being single is that when you're sitting alone at a restaurant you have half of a table reserved just for your trash
— Pilot (@shepbutt) August 13, 2017
Miles Klee explains why hitting up a restaurant without a crew is the ultimate king move.
Vitamin-D Deficiency
Just because Cardi B recently took to Instagram to admit she was suffering withdrawals from Offset’s dick doesn’t mean she’s saying she wants the Migos rapper back.
Christmas Tree TLC
That tree you bought in an overzealous bout of holiday spirit back in November is probably looking a little worse for the wear just about now. Needles falling like brown snow, and branches sagging worse than Melania Trump’s polling numbers. And so, you might be thinking that it’s time to bin the damn thing. Untrue! You simply need a few tricks in your arsenal to stave off your tree’s slow demise.
All Wrapped Up
If you got all up into some nice person’s guts last night only to forget to remove your condom after falling into a deep, sex-induced sleep, you wouldn’t be the first. But afterwards, you probably looked at your shriveled first mate with his semen-cured latex shell and thought, Is this bad for my dick? Fear not — it might actually have been good for him.
The End of the Line
Like the vast majority of living things out there, humans’ most fundamental goal as a species is the propagation of our genetic code through reproduction. At least, I think I read that somewhere. But unlike, say fruit flies, we’ve been bestowed the choice of whether to carry out that mission. And some guys are using vasectomies to draw a genetic line in the sand.
Jeff Gross
Jeff Gross is MEL’s senior editor for social media and content marketing. His daily ICYMI column, which chronicles all things meta on the site, is the quickest way to catch up on MEL, and the funniest thing you’ll read all day. Follow him on Twitter.
