I regret to inform you all that a grave injustice has been done. National Taco Day — an occasion when many restaurant franchises offer free or discounted tacos — fell on a Monday this year.
You read that correctly: we held our big celebration of tacos on Monday, October 4th.
I know these hashtag “holidays” are basically made-up calendar events that brands use to advertise or trick us into revealing personal data, but for real, has society fallen this far? The tradition is always, always Taco Tuesday. We haven’t been offering Tuesday taco specials in this country for almost a hundred years — and waging legal battles over the now-copyrighted phrase “Taco Tuesday” — just for some stupid algorithm to come along and sow this chaos.
This really isn’t difficult. Tuesday is the taco day, plain and simple. You’ve got the nice alliteration, and “Tuesday” is perfect for punning wordplay around special offers — you’ve got the word “two” right in there. Two tacos for two dollars on a Tuesday? Hell yeah. It’s also the time of the week we most need tacos. On Monday, we probably forced ourselves to eat something healthy, or reheated leftovers, whatever. Depressing. Tuesday rolls around, and we can’t believe how far we still are from the weekend. How can we go on? Fuck it, get some tacos.
“But Miles, if National Taco Day was on a Monday this year, that means it’ll be on a Tuesday next year!” You shut your goddamn mouth. Do I sound like I can wait until 2022 for things to start making a lick of sense? I’m already at my limit. Get Biden to do an executive order, I don’t care. If Thanksgiving can be a moving date, then so can National Taco Day. First Tuesday of every October. Boom, solved. Why is it up to me to fix everything around here? Sick of this.
I just want you to know that if you took advantage of a taco deal yesterday — Monday — you are a traitor and a charlatan. You worship false idols. And you probably use the mild hot sauce. Shame! Dishonor! Taco Tuesday is more than a promotion. It’s a sacred duty and a way of life. Once we abandon its single, cardinal principle, we have shed our very humanity. With the world in shambles as is, we cannot afford to go down that road. For the sake of future generations, and for ourselves, we must come together and renounce it.
Oh, and Happy Taco Tuesday.