Society, god and Garfield would have you believe that Monday is the worst day of the week. This is a lie. The worst day is — as you’ve always suspected — Tuesday.
Monday gets a bad rap, since it marks the end of the weekend and a return to work. But Monday is also likely to be the most refreshed and energized you are in your professional capacity. After all, you just had two days off. Monday has novelty, a sense of renewal and purpose. At the same time, Monday allows you to coast a bit, leveling off that early sense of ambition. You’ve got the whole week to get shit done. No rush, man.
disgusting. get this out of my face
— j a d e (@TheDreamGhoul) March 10, 2020
Then, the unthinkable: Tuesday.
I have no patience (even in quarantine) for people who act confused about what day it is, but if there’s any moment in which I can relate to this feeling, it’s right after waking up on a Tuesday. What is this? It’s not Monday, yet we seem not to have ventured any further into the week. No light at the end of the tunnel. A cruel and featureless limbo, without the hope to be found in Wednesday, the edging thrill of a Thursday or Friday’s finality. The word “Tuesday” derives from the Old English Tīwesdæg, after Týr, a Germanic god of war. And yes, the day is a war — of the soul.
See, Tuesday is what people hate about Monday, only worse. You’re not even supposed to complain about it, which is base oppression. It’s when you start to worry about deadlines, yield to the second cup of coffee, realize you’re out of clean underwear and wind up making boxed mac and cheese for dinner because, just, what’s the point. Tuesday is an unnecessary stop on the local bus line that is life. Why do we even have it? Nobody knows, and, for the most part, nobody dares to ask. We accept this punishment, obscurely convinced of our guilt. Thinking we must deserve it somehow.
It’s only Tuesday? No biggie. pic.twitter.com/d2UYw4L729
— Drew Taylor (@MrDrew_Taylor) May 5, 2020
In Focus: It Only Tuesday http://t.co/WLScA0R2I4 pic.twitter.com/29zYggjpOr
— The Onion (@TheOnion) November 18, 2014
When you realize it’s only Tuesday but you feel like it should be Friday, May 1, 2021. pic.twitter.com/M3v6ZMMRTb
— Phil Sgro (@phillysgro) April 28, 2020
But Tuesday won’t go away if we keep pretending it’s “normal” to have a midpoint between Monday and Wednesday. The Babylonians observed a seven-day week in accordance with lunar phases, so let me be clear: I give not a single piddling shit what the moon is doing right now. Build a new calendar around something that actually matters, like the NBA season.
It’s Tuesday right now, meaning there’s only a week left to solve this before we’re forced to endure it again. I swear, let Tuesday happen one more time… I seriously am at my limit. Start brainstorming, we’ll regroup tomorrow. Fuck.
Miles Klee
Miles Klee is MEL’s resident tank-top dirtbag, shitposter and meme expert. He’s also the author of the novel ‘Ivyland’ and a story collection, ‘True False.’
